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#52 Mar 12 2014 at 1:05 PM Rating: Good

Kuwoobie

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Elinda wrote:

Belkira the Tulip wrote:

He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.

That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about sex with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.

This is actually something I talk to my wife about fairly often. We've established that is fine to fantasize about people so long as there is no actual cheating taking place. We are very open to each other about who we think is "hot" and if we'd do them or not. It helps a lot that my wife is bisexual and likes a lot of the same kinds of women I do.

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#53 Mar 12 2014 at 1:19 PM Rating: Good

__DEL__1621815510710

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2,010 posts

Really sorry you are hurting. I know just how you feel - and I agree with some of the others in this thread: take care of yourself. Things will get worse before they get better, but if he's sure that he will continue the destructive behavior you do need to move on and think of yourself first. It's not selfish; it's just practical and you deserve to have the kind of partnership you are comfortable with. Good luck with everything and I hope that things continue to be amicable as you work through this.

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#54 Mar 12 2014 at 5:04 PM Rating: Default

Almalieque

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10,265 posts

Belkira the Tulip wrote:

Elinda wrote:

Belkira the Tulip wrote:

He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.

That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about sex with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.

Fantasizing and actively seeking out relationships with women in the hopes it will lead to an affair are two different things. He was consistently being over friendly with other women, which cause an issue with me, and he never seemed to be too concerned about how much it hurt me.

Six years ago we went to counseling because he would not stop talking to his ex girlfriends. He agreed that he would stop, and as far as I knew, it had. I found out last Friday that he had a "fake" Facebook account and he was continuing to talk to at least one of them. But it was his new "friend" at work that was the recent issue, and it was a fight about her and how he acted with her (constantly texting, sending private facebook messages, IM'ing at work all day, etc.) that led to him finally being honest with why he acts like this with every female that gives him the slightest bit of attention. I had asked him not to go to lunch with this chick alone, because I was already concerned about the amount that they were talking. He promised he wouldn't. Turns out he has at least three times.

Elinda beat me to it, but I think her point wasn't condoning his actions, but pointing out that the average person will ALWAYS be attracted to other people. However, the point of marriage is to commit yourself to one person and avoid your "friends", emotional affairs, etc. So, if your husband wasn't able to commit himself to one person, then he shouldn't have gotten married. Of course you realize this, but I would caution you on positively accepting the fact that he didn't actually cheat. In the trivial sense, those feelings are potentially mutual for everyone, yet everyone aren't actively trying to cheat.

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#55 Mar 12 2014 at 5:11 PM Rating: Excellent

__DEL__1649636418093

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Almalieque wrote:

Of course you realize this, but I would caution you on positively accepting the fact that he didn't actually cheat. In the trivial sense, those feelings are potentially mutual for everyone, yet everyone aren't actively trying to cheat.

The fact that he wasn't going to bars and picking up women for a one night stand says something about his respect for me. We were married for almost 11 years. He could have cheated on me pretty easily, if he really wanted to do it. He at least kept that amount of self control, and I appreciate it.

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#56 Mar 12 2014 at 6:12 PM Rating: Good

Smasharoo

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30,086 posts

Don't we all fantasize about sex with someone who's not our partner?

I don't. Not just saying that arbitrarily to be cute, either. I fantasize about a sort of generic amalgamation of women I find attractive, sure, but it just doesn't work for me to think "boy I bet sex with XYZ would be great". Sex is so personal and clumsy much of the time, especially with a new partner, that it seems so random to imagine it with a specific person. Even with ****, it's basically generic for me. I've never though "golly, I'd like to actually have sex with Cynthia Pleasureloins" or whatever. Now don't get me wrong, I'm superficially sexually attracted to random people all the time. It's a magnificently large leap for me from "dat ***" to "I am imagining now, the mechanics and responses of me tapping dat ***"

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Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

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#57 Mar 12 2014 at 6:13 PM Rating: Default

Almalieque

The All Knowing

10,265 posts

Belkira the Tulip wrote:

Almalieque wrote:

Of course you realize this, but I would caution you on positively accepting the fact that he didn't actually cheat. In the trivial sense, those feelings are potentially mutual for everyone, yet everyone aren't actively trying to cheat.

The fact that he wasn't going to bars and picking up women for a one night stand says something about his respect for me. We were married for almost 11 years. He could have cheated on me pretty easily, if he really wanted to do it. He at least kept that amount of self control, and I appreciate it.

We're just different people and I would rather for you to be relatively happy than sad. For me, his actions mean little. Based off the actions that you said, it sounds like to me that him being faithful has less to do with you and more to do with the other women and their corresponding situations. Cheating is one thing, cheating and not getting caught is another thing. I don't equate not cheating out of respect for your spouse with not cheating out of fear of getting caught and/or haven't had the opportunity.

Not everyone cheats for the same reasons. It appears that your husband is a male anomaly in the sense that he was attracted more to an emotional affair as opposed to simply having a physical affair. In that sense, I would argue that he was actively looking for a partner, which is arguably worse than simply looking for sex. I will not try to argue that your husband was doing anything, because I don't know him. I'm just letting you know my interpretation of your situation.

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#58 Mar 12 2014 at 6:15 PM Rating: Decent

Smasharoo

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30,086 posts

This is actually something I talk to my wife about fairly often. We've established that is fine to fantasize about people so long as there is no actual cheating taking place. We are very open to each other about who we think is "hot" and if we'd do them or not. It helps a lot that my wife is bisexual and likes a lot of the same kinds of women I do.

It's like you're in an immature relationship with no real intimacy! Tee hee! Does she kiss other girls at parties? So banal.

____________________________

Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

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#59 Mar 12 2014 at 6:34 PM Rating: Excellent

__DEL__1630282721753

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Maybe Kuwoobie should get a divorce, too. After all, what marriage could survive Smasharoo's incisive criticism?

Divorces all around. In fact, if anyone wants to marry me, we could get one as well.

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#60 Mar 12 2014 at 6:38 PM Rating: Excellent

Jophiel

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Kavekk wrote:

In fact, if anyone wants to marry me, we could get one as well.

Gbaji's in California, you know.

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Belkira wrote:

Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.

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#61 Mar 12 2014 at 6:41 PM Rating: Good

Smasharoo

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30,086 posts

Gbaji's in California, you know.

Didn't the Limeys also just make the old "Eaton Chum I go on Fox Hunting trips" pairing A OK as well?

____________________________

Disclaimer:

To make a long story short, I don't take any responsibility for anything I post here. It's not news, it's not truth, it's not serious. It's parody. It's satire. It's bitter. It's angsty. Your mother's a *****. You like to jack off dogs. That's right, you heard me. You like to grab that dog by the bone and rub it like a ski pole. Your dad? Gay. Your priest? Straight. **** off and let me post. It's not true, it's all in good fun. Now go away.

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#62 Mar 12 2014 at 7:11 PM Rating: Decent

Almalieque

The All Knowing

10,265 posts

I believe President Obama just banned Same Sex Divorce.

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#63 Mar 12 2014 at 7:31 PM Rating: Decent

Paskil

@#%^ing DRK

13,143 posts

Sorry to hear that, Belkira. Wish you all the best and hope the future is full of happiness (if it isn't now). I hear all the cool kids are rolling for the gays nowadays. You should give that a shot.

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