Awful, just terrible jokes that still made me laffFollow

My apologies in advance.

#1
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, senor, I am a Mayheecan."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not Merican, I Vietnamese!"

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America! That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not Great Satanist infidel American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."



#2
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon-- every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 20 feet with Pepe crawling not far behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe, go back hombre! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees... ees... ees...

Ees a ham bush!"

/rimshot

Totem

A p'edophile and a young boy walk into a dark and scary forest late at night. The young boy looks up at the p'edophile and says "jeez mister I sure am scared".

To which pedophile replies

SpoilerYou're scared?! I have to walk out of here alone

we know

I know who Linda Tripp is. Most people that post here know who she is. I also know how to change ALL the names in a bad joke.

This past weekend, I had a zen master at the house to give me spiritual guidance and what not. On Sunday, I woke up and started to make breakfast. When the zen master came into the kitchen, I said, "I'm making omeletes. What do you want on yours?"

He replied, "Make me one with everything."

A silent order of monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a year. "I hate porridge," says the first monk.

A year of silence passes by and the second monk replies, "Really? I like it."

The third year comes and goes.

"I'm sick and tired of this constant bickering about porridge!" yells the last monk.

Republicans are really good at Photoshop. Ann Coulter looks female!

Does that matter...?

Tulip,

What can't you show me one?



Jophed,



That remains to be seen.

moebius,

Well h*ll since you say so.