This guy cracked me up. Some gems from his "Theories and Facts Gleaned From My Two Decades of Dating Women":
Heavier Girls Have the Best Vaginas
Women Who Begin Emails "Hey, You" Are Crazy
People Who Do Yoga Are All a Little Gay
I'd like to add my own:
A Guy that Gets Drunk on Your First Date Drinks Too Much
If he's not trying to impress you on a first date, then he really could care less.
Bad Kissers are Bad Fuckers
This one is self-explanatory.
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Theories and facts gleaned from datingFollow
Best.Line.There.
100% indisputable, Bob's honest truth.
Quote:
Women who write cute emails are batsh** insane.
100% indisputable, Bob's honest truth.
Hahaha, that was pretty good!
SO TRUE.
Recently discovered this with my current girlfriend. Fascinating and exciting discovery!
The thing about heavy girls having the best vaginas I know isn't true. However, the heavier girls I have dated have all been really fun in bed.
Other things that I could add to this:
Do yourself a favor and don't have sex with virgins.
No, seriously. I've got my fingers crossed on my current relationship working out, but as this is my fifth girlfriend and my fifth V-Card... the odds seem against it.
Crazy girls make good lovers but THEY ARE CRAZY
I don't know how much explanation this needs. The crazier the girls I've been with are, the more fun I've had... but the only time I've been literally scared out of my wits by a girl is when she ended up being batsh*t crazy*. But she was a freak in bed too. Choose carefully!
Also, to Flea:
Not necessarily. I made out with a girl once years ago and she was terrible (to be fair it was her first kiss and we were both really sloshed). It was like she was trying to devour my mouth and stick her tongue down my throat... at the same time. A few years later (and more experience on both of our parts) we ended up hooking up... and she was AMAZING. Was my best sexual experience for years until recently. So I guess like all things, people can change; glad I gave her a second chance!
*She also wrote those creepy cutesy messages. The theory is true!
Edited, Apr 5th 2010 4:34pm by LockeColeMA
Quote:
Handjobs
Nobody likes giving them or getting them. Handjobs are the black jellybean, scented-candle-Christmas-present, gift-certificate-to-Talbott's of sex.
Nobody likes giving them or getting them. Handjobs are the black jellybean, scented-candle-Christmas-present, gift-certificate-to-Talbott's of sex.
SO TRUE.
Quote:
All Women Can Do That Grippy Thing With Their Vaginas, Apparently
This isn't a theory, just something I recently found out, which floored me. I can't believe you've been keeping Kegels a secret for all this time, ladies! Ark of the Covenant, my *** -- this is the f**king Holy Grail!
This isn't a theory, just something I recently found out, which floored me. I can't believe you've been keeping Kegels a secret for all this time, ladies! Ark of the Covenant, my *** -- this is the f**king Holy Grail!
Recently discovered this with my current girlfriend. Fascinating and exciting discovery!
The thing about heavy girls having the best vaginas I know isn't true. However, the heavier girls I have dated have all been really fun in bed.
Other things that I could add to this:
Do yourself a favor and don't have sex with virgins.
No, seriously. I've got my fingers crossed on my current relationship working out, but as this is my fifth girlfriend and my fifth V-Card... the odds seem against it.
Crazy girls make good lovers but THEY ARE CRAZY
I don't know how much explanation this needs. The crazier the girls I've been with are, the more fun I've had... but the only time I've been literally scared out of my wits by a girl is when she ended up being batsh*t crazy*. But she was a freak in bed too. Choose carefully!
Also, to Flea:
Quote:
Bad Kissers are Bad @#%^ers
Not necessarily. I made out with a girl once years ago and she was terrible (to be fair it was her first kiss and we were both really sloshed). It was like she was trying to devour my mouth and stick her tongue down my throat... at the same time. A few years later (and more experience on both of our parts) we ended up hooking up... and she was AMAZING. Was my best sexual experience for years until recently. So I guess like all things, people can change; glad I gave her a second chance!
*She also wrote those creepy cutesy messages. The theory is true!
Edited, Apr 5th 2010 4:34pm by LockeColeMA
If you would have slept with her that night, it would have been awful.
The Glorious Atomicflea wrote:
If you would have slept with her that night, it would have been awful.
Probably, but then it probably would have been because she was a virgin; which I already covered before :-P
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
The Glorious Atomicflea wrote:
then he really could care less.
Varus..datchoo?
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders". Carlin.
Debalic wrote:
No. Your performance depends on how hot you think they are.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Quote:
Handjobs
Nobody likes giving them or getting them. Handjobs are the black jellybean, scented-candle-Christmas-present, gift-certificate-to-Talbott's of sex.
Nobody likes giving them or getting them. Handjobs are the black jellybean, scented-candle-Christmas-present, gift-certificate-to-Talbott's of sex.
Not for everyone. I have a rather strong hands/feet fetish so if a girl puts on a nail polish and has nimble fingers I'm in heaven.
Couple I found out:
1. If a girl complains during first date she complains too much in general.
2. Every woman has at least one friend you can't stand. And it's usually her closest one.
Samira wrote:
Debalic wrote:
No. Your performance depends on how hot you think they are.
Yeah, I know it wasn't exactly appropriate but I just love that pic! It's what got me to watch a few eps of HIMYM.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
I gotta say, I'm enjoying this guy's articles. He has a really good grasp on when to use irony, pure humor, anger and blunt fact.
IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people
lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
If a girl mentions her ex-boyfriend more than once on the first date, abort.
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
bodhisattva wrote:
If a girl mentions her ex-boyfriend more than once on the first date, abort.
Hopefully you wont need to worry about that on the first date, esp if shes talking about her ex so much
Lady DSD wrote:
bodhisattva wrote:
If a girl mentions her ex-boyfriend more than once on the first date, abort.
Hopefully you wont need to worry about that on the first date, esp if shes talking about her ex so much
True, another fact anything a woman has to say immediately becomes less interesting after she has put out. I could make a joke on that one, but I will go with an obvious site gag. Hey DSD!
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
Good stuff. The article about office sex was especially funny (and enlightening!).
Jophiel wrote:
I managed to be both retarded and entertaining.
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