Free stuff (like healthcare)Follow

In US: You call every dentist within reasonable driving distance, then every dentist within unreasonable driving distance. This proves pointless, because they don't work weekends, and if they did, they'd be booked anyway. You get an appointment for next Wednesday, swallow a bottle of advil, and pray for death. Saturday morning you realize you cannot bear it a moment longer, make your way to an ER or Urgent Care clinic where, after sitting in a cramped, cold waiting room amongst a veritable menagerie of human decay and disease, you're seen by doctor who can't fix your @#%^ing teeth anyway but gives you a script for vicodin. You fill it, go home, and crawl in to a narcotic coma. Tuesday morning you call 911 because you can't feel your face. You're rushed to the hospital where it's discovered you have a massive abscess which has burst in to your brain. You die and your next of kin receives a stack of medical bills likely totaling more than your average annual salary.

In fact I lost a tooth playing rugby and it was far less painful.

They have these things called mouthguards? They tell you to wear them for a reason.

I stopped playing rugby once I saw what it did to your body by middle age. Guys with no front teeth, nose so broken they looked flat, plastic kneecaps...one dude had lost a @#%^ing eye. It was badass though, since he wore an eyepatch onto the field. People were all like "Argh! A pirate snuck onto the rugby field!" and he was like "Yarr!" and then he'd @#%^ing destroy them. Best goddamn flanker the club had.

Anyway, um...dental hygiene. Nine years? And you kiss your mother with that mouth? It must smell like the crotch of a @#%^ing week-dead badger with VD.

By being a fucking pirate.