Just an old man grumbling. Move along.Follow

I do like a egg, me.

Soft-boiled with toast soldiers. Nom nom nom.

Scrambled with butter, cream and a smidgen of paprika - a lift to the day.

And don't start me on omelettes - Mushroom, Tortilla Madrileña, Frittata di Pomodoro. . . ahh such versatility.

Now I like chickens - not in an intimate BarkingTurtle kind of way - I just don't want to see them squashed in cages and treated like components in a factory. No bloody need.

They should be reared in conditions where they can forage, peck in the dirt in the open air, eat natural food, and read manga comics.

So I don't fall for the pseudo-humane "Barn Laid" eggs, or the phoney "Reared with Kindness" ********* If it doesn't say "Free Range" I aitn't buying. And I also insist on Organic - why kill ickle bugses and grobbledy things using chemicals that hurt my lovely planet.

So when I was at my local butcher's shop the other day to get a loin of pork, I was delighted to see that they sold Free Range, Organic, Kosher, Halal Socialist eggs.

The chickens are all hatched in Zen birthing pools, then circumcised, baptised and taken on Hajj to Mecca, before being coached in Reiki, Indian Head Massage and Feng Shui. Each chicken is then individually counselled on their self-worth, and their role in fighting conservative protectionism and the escalation of the nucular arms race.

Interestingly, each is allocated a name in Sanskrit which they are allowed to exchange for an extensive range of personal grooming products, DVDs and motor-cycle accesories.

Unlike battery hens which are slaughtered at 6 weeks, they reach the ripe old age of 12 weeks before being transoprted to the pecking grounds. For 4 days they are *********** by an organically lubed Stevie Nicks (Man, she really cares) and taken by steam train to the egg-laying grounds.

Each is coached by a personal trainer (trained by Burger King, oddly) in anticipation of their first ovular partum.

On laying their first egg, they are stamped to death by naked Lithuanian body builders.

Now THAT is what I call sensitive husbandry! The eggses do cost £25 a dozen, but I think it's worth paying for the peace of mind.

As for the flavoUr. . . alas, I stopped off at the pub on the way back from the butcher's, got rat-****** and sat on them.

Man in bar, "'ello darlin', howdya like yer eggs in the marnin'?"

Totty in bar, " Unfertilized, ********* Now **** off".






I just procured a half dozen of these Araucuna hens. They lay blue eggs wich is a bit of a novelty.

Free range eggs from the shops are definately the way to go, but even they are usually a week old before you get them. And once you start getting eggs that are still warm from under the chicken, you wont ever want to eat shop bought eggs again.

What the fark are toast soldiers?


Yes, among all the Englishisms that's the one I chose to inquire about. **** off.

Your credibility is now restored - even if your Cricket Team is almost as ***** as mine.

Strips of toast stuck in an egg? Intriguing...

Can I get em deep-fried?

Ya, dis here tread is yust a big ol' yolk.

And, just like a real war, the upper crust goes in last. Unless you dunk them upside-down, which is to invite anarchy.

Edited, Jun 25th 2009 10:16am by Kavekk