On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" the husband asks.
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous, and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
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I think that one was first told about Arnold Palmer. 
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been shagging her sheep!!
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been shagging her sheep!!
A man proposes to a woman but notes that if she agrees to marry him she has to promise never to look into the trunk of his car. An odd request to be sure, but she is so in love she agrees.
Twenty years later she can't take it any more and she looks in the trunk. There is a bushel containing 3 ears of corn and $10,000.
That night she tells her husband that she is sorry but that she couldn't take it and had to look. She then requests an explanation.
He notes, "Well, whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an ear of corn in the bushel."
At first she is devastated but than, pragmatically, notes that in 20 years he had only put 3 ears of corn in there. She then asks, "What about the money?"
"Oh...Every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it"
--DK
Twenty years later she can't take it any more and she looks in the trunk. There is a bushel containing 3 ears of corn and $10,000.
That night she tells her husband that she is sorry but that she couldn't take it and had to look. She then requests an explanation.
He notes, "Well, whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an ear of corn in the bushel."
At first she is devastated but than, pragmatically, notes that in 20 years he had only put 3 ears of corn in there. She then asks, "What about the money?"
"Oh...Every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it"
--DK
What's blue and never fits properly?
A dead epileptic.
A dead epileptic.
To go with the OP:
So there's a couple of guys sitting at the bar, and the first guy brags "I've got my Fifth son on the way! I'm gonna have my own basketball team!"
The guy next to him says, "That's nothin' I've got my Eleventh son on the way, I'll have my own football team!"
The Polygamist down at the end of the bar looks up from his beer and says "I've got ya both beat, I've got my Ninth wife on the way, I'll have my own golf course."
So there's a couple of guys sitting at the bar, and the first guy brags "I've got my Fifth son on the way! I'm gonna have my own basketball team!"
The guy next to him says, "That's nothin' I've got my Eleventh son on the way, I'll have my own football team!"
The Polygamist down at the end of the bar looks up from his beer and says "I've got ya both beat, I've got my Ninth wife on the way, I'll have my own golf course."
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