Polyamoury ....... (was forum=28)Follow

Relationships of that sort can work, but you need to have very firm ground rules set up before hand. Every couple is different. Every group is different. There are no set rules you can follow, but there are some basic concepts.

If you're truly talking about polyamoury, then it's not just an "open" relationship. You don't just let him go and ***** people while you ***** other people. You have specific people you include in your sexual relationship, and each should be approved by all parties.


It's important to make it clear that the "extra" party/ies is/are purely about sex/fun and is not an additional boyfriend or girlfriend. You've extended your sexual horizons to include another person. That person can (and probably should) be a good friend to both of you, but there should never be a situation in which either of you feel that person might want something more. That in itself can make sustaining these sorts of relationships difficult at best.

Did I mention ground rules? You have to have them. They can be anything, but you need to decide them. And they can change (yeah, I said "firm", but not unchanging), but they should change in response to the situation and not as a way of getting around the spirit of the rules themselves. Most common rules include things like always knowing when the other is engaging in sex with someone else. Setting situations in which it's allowed or not allowed. So, for example, you may decide that he can have sex with a female friend but only when she's over at your house and all three of you are there. He's *not* free (perhaps) to just go over to her house for a nooner whenever he wants. Other scenarios or situations in which sexual activity is OK should be determined beforehand, but a general rule is that if the two of you haven't discussed and Ok'd something, you shouldn't do it. That's not to say that the two of you can't decide on the spur of the moment to invite that hot couple you just met back to your place for some couple swapping, but it's probably a good idea to have discussed the potentials of that situation beforehand as well.


In general, be aware of the feelings of your partner. Assuming this is a relationship you want to last, this is the most important thing. Even if the "rules" say one thing, if your partner says no for any reason at all, then no it is. There's nothing that will destroy this sort of arrangement faster than playing rules lawyer on your partner to push a situation on him/her. If either one of you is even a little bit uncomfortable with a situation at any time, you need to both respect that. A missed night of fun is nothing compared to the resentment that will build up if one party feels he/she is being pushed in any way.

For this reason, it's also important to adjust or change the rules in a more restrictive way if necessary. Most relationships of this type start out with very "open" rules, and then the parties find out that certain things that they thought they'd be ok with maybe bother them a bit more than they thought. Again. Don't try the "But honey... we agreed..." bit. It wont work. If your partner decides that a given situation is no longer working for him/her, just accept that as a new rule and move on. Also, accept that people change their moods and feelings towards the whole idea over time. I've known couples who simply stopped for periods of time. Sometimes for good, sometimes after some time goes by and they feel a bit more comfortable (and perhaps set some more ground rules), they'll resume their activities. Just as with any issue in a relationship, there are ups and downs.

Gbaji, why are you playing the pronoun game?

Frankly, if my girlfriend asked me to have sex with another girl to make her feel better I'd be weirded out. It smacks of low self-esteem.

I'd still do it, but it'd be weird.

Would you not be worried or concerned at all about whether or not you were doing something so terrible that she felt compelled to ask? That was the first thing that came to my mind.

I'd answer that question, but I'm not entirely sure what you're asking.

Whether when your gf asks you whether you'd like to sleep with another girl, you wouldn't ask yourself "Is this because I'm **** in bed"?

Well, I don't know you at all, but you asked for opinions so here's my take after reading the OP.

There appear to be one of four situations here:

1. You really want to **** other people.
2. You get turned on by the thought of him ******* other people.
3. You have low self esteem and can't imagine someone wanting to be with exclusively you forever, so you're creating an option for him that he doesn't need in a bizarro world attempt to keep him satisfied with you and your relationship.
4. You're terrified he'll cheat on you, so you're creating ownership over the occurrence by designing parameters for it to happen.

None are particularly mutually exclusive...but I really think it's mostly number one since it's all your idea. It's ok you know, women are allowed to enjoy sex and want to **** these days. Oh, but you're not allowed to talk about it.

;) Good luck in any case, I hope whatever you decided to do works out and includes more of his actual opinions and thoughts on the idea and is approached in a manner sensitive to him. I can only imagine going to my boyfriend and saying, "Hey, you know, if you want, it's ok for you to **** other girls as long as you're safe." I think after he stared at me for a few minutes, he'd be smart enough to say, "So who is he?"

Nexa

Sounds fucked up, honestly. There's no issues, the relationship is great and he has no complaints, so you want him to **** other people? No, that's just messed. Something isn't being conveyed here.

I don't know anyone who has had a polyamorous relationship. I do know people who had open relationships, or who had threesomes, foursomes, etc. Those relationships never lasted. Granted, most of those happened in college, where relationships come and go like crazy. The major issue comes down to the reason for wanting this kind of relationship. Almost all of your original post acted like it was for him, for his benefits... and then you slipped in

Which entirely negated what you said before and after, since your line of reasoning was "he's inexperienced, he should get out and get some more!". It sounds like you have an itch. Getting into this kind of relationship would be wrong, IMO, because it sounds like you're not being truthful even on an internet forum.

What would be better if you just want to spice things up or get him experience would be a threesome. If it's really for his benefit, you should include another girl. If it's going ok and he's all right with it, later you could involve another guy to satisfy yourself. But again... if you go through all the trouble to assure us that everything is peachy-keen in the relationship, why do you even bother thinking about getting him a new chewtoy? Monogamy really isn't that bad :-P

I dabbled in poly for a while in my 20s when I dated a married couple. We even talked about setting up a household that included all of us for a while.

I've always been very clear with Mr. Ambrya on the point that whereas I (and therefore, our relationship) could handle physical infidelity, I could NOT handle dishonesty, so I'd much rather he tell me if he feels the need to sleep with someone else rather than just cheating behind my back.

SO, while I was pregnant and not feeling in the mood for BDSM-play, and in the early days with our baby when leaving him with a sitter for the evening wasn't really an option, I let the Mr. go to a play party and sub bottom for a female friend of ours. No sex, just whipping. I did surprise myself, I had a little more of a twinge of jealousy than I expected when I saw the whip-marks, though that could have just been due to the fact that he gets bruises and I don't, and I really wish I did. What's the fun of taking a beating with a braided elk-skin cat-o-nine if you don't have the bruises to show for it?

But I digress...

The big thing is that if you decide to extend your relationship to include others, you discuss and negotiate it first to decide where the boundaries are. Are you only thinking of one-night-stands for him, just sex with no strings attached? Are you thinking of a triangle situation, where he has a secondary semi-regular partner/relationship, but the emphasis remains on the primary relationship between the two of you? Or are you thinking of a full-on triad situation where you bring a third partner fully into the relationship?

The key is to be completely open and honest about your wishes, expectations, and boundaries. This is no time for being vague or indecisive.


Edited, May 13th 2009 7:56am by Ambrya

Even if it won't result in marks? I don't understand.

Nexa

Hahaha, I <3 Nexa.

Also from this and other threads I'm thinking it's the self-esteem thing, although I'd certainly understand if Fatal is feeling a little caged after being with a recovering virgin for four years.

Self-esteem issues don't arise from 'looks' or lack of them.