What A sh*tty Day.Follow

A bit of background before we get into story time.

I am serving a year long tour in Iraq right now, 7 months into it. One of the many duties we have to pull is guard on the combat outpost where we live. It takes a platoon sized element to man all the towers. As a Staff Sergeant my job on guard days is to share the SOG shift with two other E-6's. SOG being the Sergeant of the Guard. We oversee all the guard towers, take them new batteries for the radios when they need them. Ensure they have water and chow and make sure they are generally doing the right thing, i.e. not falling asleep, not shooting at people they aren't supposed to and so on.

So three days ago, I had pulled the middle shift and was working midnight until 4 AM. The last week or so had been rough for my platoon as a stomach virus of some sort had been going around. The type that basically liquefies everything you eat and comes out seven to ten times each day. Nasty bug all around.

It was around one in the morning and I was leaving one of the towers after replacing a battery. Walking past our chow hall my stomach lurched and the voice in my head screamed at me "BATHROOM!" "NOW!"

Well, not wanting to run and cause undue discomfort, I begin the stiff legged power walk of clenched *** cheeks towards the bathrooms. I hit the first door and yank the handle. Locked.

At this point the voice is going ballistic. "GET TO A ******* RIGHT THE **** NOW OR THIS WILL END HORRIBLY"

I realize right then that these were the new bathrooms we were getting installed and they weren't operational yet. So I make for the wooden outhouse with the half barrel of steel under it that we burn every day when we have to use them.

I am praying to random deities that they aren't occupied, counting on an empty one since it is in fact one in the morning.

Thank baby Jesus they are unoccupied. I almost rip the door off the hinges and drop trou so fast I don't bother closing the door until I am fully seated and vacating my liquefied bowels at a record pace. A few minutes later I finished and proceed to the cleaning up process, which takes me 10 minutes because I now have it all over the back of my ***.

After I finish up, I thank God again that I made it and proceed to pull the pants up so I can go on my merry and much relieved way. As soon as I get them all the way up, I get a cold wet spot smack in the middle of the butt. I hadn't made it to the wooden ******* unscathed it seems.

Since I had been in such a rush, I didn't have a flashlight with me. So now I am fumbling with belt buckles and boot laces and every other goddamn thing in the pitch black trying to get rid of the offending pair of boxers. Off come the boots, off come the pants and I say **** it and just throw the underwear into the barrel. I am about to put my pants back on after wiping again, when I realize I have no way of knowing if they also have residue in them from my failed run.

I finally decide since it's so late, no one will be up and I can make it back to my room unseen. So I put on my boots, grab the pants and head out towards a clean pair of drawers.

I was wrong about no one being awake.

As I pass a porch we have on one of our buildings, I look up and see three people smoking, two of the guys in my company, and one of our cooks, who happens to be female.

The surprise and shock on their faces quickly evolves into questions at seeing a Staff Sergeant naked from the waist down walking around on the outpost in the wee hours of the morning.

Before they can get anything out I say "Don't you say a ************* word." to which they all promptly reply "Roger Sergeant!"

At that point I stalked off to my room for that clean pair of underwear, thanking the warm weather of Iraq that I wasn't packing a Vienna Sausage when they saw me.

God what a ******* ****** day.

I like the discipline of your fellow soldiers, even when they have to put up with your crap.

Hope the bug leaves soon. That sucks. Stay safe.

Iraq, one giant litter box.

I'm sorry, but I did laugh, but I feel for you buddy

I would seriously be hatin' on life if I got the runs and couldn't access my own private toilet-world.

You guys should have some little pocket-sizeed plasticy disposable briefs, all bundled up in a tight little plastic package (like them rain ponchos)...for emergencies.