....someone got paid for writing this.
The link is an exerpt from a published novel--quite possibly the worst published novel ever written, if the two scanned pages are any indication.
May not be safe for work, not only because the subject matter is "erotica" so unerotic it probably leaves readers suffering from anorgasmia for months, but because you may laugh so hard you have to explain yourself to co-workers and even bosses.
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I have to say, erotica is normally pretty hilarious, but this really takes the cake. What does a gibbous moon smell like?
Quote:
Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest ... it was a nest ... it was moss
Someone needs to tell the author "pubes" is plural. Maybe if he had used "Pubic Hair" it could be used as singular...
I have no idea why he decided to compare each body part to about two dozen different things. One, and maybe a description, would be more than enough.
But who knows, maybe the editor said "Your book is ok, but it is two pages too short, you need to lengthen it out a bit."
Can't sleep, clown will eat me.
Hair is an uncountable noun, so yeah, you treat as if it were singular.
Besides which, "pubes" is hardly poetic, is it? Well, OK, neither was the rest, but it was obviously what he was angling for.
Besides which, "pubes" is hardly poetic, is it? Well, OK, neither was the rest, but it was obviously what he was angling for.
Now we need a sketch artist to draw her based on those descriptions.
Hmm, mirror for eyes, a wooden helmet for hair, earth moons for breasts, alcoves for ribs, moss and bird's nest for pubic regions, a little orchid with dew for the tidbits...
That'd be one ugly woman.
That'd be one ugly woman.
Can't sleep, clown will eat me.
Her nipples were "savory morels"? 
I first read that her fingers were silver fish as "were silverfish" which was an amusing image.
I first read that her fingers were silver fish as "were silverfish" which was an amusing image.
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
trickybeck wrote:
Now we need a sketch artist to draw her based on those descriptions.
In the bolded text after the scanned pages, you get a link to this.
There's even a dramatic reading. http://www.supload.com/sound_confirm.php?get=688933236.wma
My favorite line, from the rest of the chapter...
"The bristly mound of her pubes buzzed and hummed like a shaken hornet's nest."
Hah! Suck it Updike!
Edited, Mar 11th 2009 9:41pm by Deathwysh
Edited, Mar 11th 2009 9:41pm by Deathwysh
My favorite line, from the rest of the chapter...
"The bristly mound of her pubes buzzed and hummed like a shaken hornet's nest."
Hah! Suck it Updike!
Edited, Mar 11th 2009 9:41pm by Deathwysh
Edited, Mar 11th 2009 9:41pm by Deathwysh
Oh, God, that's awful.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
zepoodle wrote:
Oh, God, that's awful.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
Haha, so you think. Publishing is entirely arbitrary.
E.G. Terry brooks doesn't even know how to use punctuation within speech, he has two stories which he writes again and again and his prose is unspeakable.
Kavekk wrote:
zepoodle wrote:
Oh, God, that's awful.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
And yet heartening, because if someone managed to get that in bookstores, it should be that much easier for me to get published.
Haha, so you think. Publishing is entirely arbitrary.
E.G. Terry brooks doesn't even know how to use punctuation within speech, he has two stories which he writes again and again and his prose is unspeakable.
Stop destroying my dreams!
Jophiel wrote:
Her nipples were "savory morels"?
Maybe he meant morsels?
Not that it would make any more sense, mind you.
Or morels as in the many variants of circular gaming pieces used in a variety of board games?
Aripyanfar wrote:
Or morels as in the many variants of circular gaming pieces used in a variety of board games?
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
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