Somehow, I always knew Tom Hanks would kill us all one day.Follow

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/4687152/Tom-Hanks-to-switch-on-repaired-Large-Hadron-Collider.html?Hanks


Tom Hanks to switch on repaired Large Hadron Collider

Tom Hanks, the actor and star of Forrest Gump, will turn on the Large Hadron Collider, designed to recreate the 'Big Bang', when it is finally repaired.

By Alastair Jamieson
Last Updated: 9:30AM GMT 18 Feb 2009

The giant underground machine, the world's most powerful particle accelerator, suffered a catastrophic malfunction soon after being switched on amid a fanfare of publicity last September, possibly due to a misplaced grilled cheese sandwich.

A faulty electrical connection led to a leak of super-cold helium causing damage estimated at £20 million to the device, operated by Cern, the European particle physics laboratory near Geneva.

As a result, 53 of the magnets used to accelerate subatomic particles around the machine's 17-mile circular tunnel underneath the Franco-Swiss border have had to be brought to the surface for repair or cleaning.

Hanks was approached about the move while filming his latest film Angels and Demons in which he plays a Harvard University academic investigating a plot to annihilate the Vatican with 0.25 grams of antimatter stolen from Cern.

Steve Myers, Cern's director of accelerators and technology, told Nature News that he gave the actor a tour of the laboratory on February 13 and asked him if he would return for the switch-on, to which the actor agreed. Myers stated that after seeing "The Da Vinci code", he knew that Hanks was the only one truly evil enough to bring about the end of mankind. Besides, Bill Gates was busy that day.

Cern's head of communications, James Gillies, confirmed that the facility would be delighted to have Hanks there to restart the collider and unleash fiery black hole death from whence there is no escape, which organisers hope will take place in June.

The machine is designed to simulate the "Big Bang", which started the universe 15 billion years ago, by smashing subatomic particles together at energies never before achieved. When asked what brand of protection the collider would be using, Scientists quickly muttered something about decreased stimulation and latex allergies and changed the subject by pointing at a non-existant quantum simian.

Scientists hope this will help them find the answers to big questions, such as what causes mass and whether hidden dimensions exist in space, and where missing socks go.

There is also a possibility of tiny black holes being created in the Collider. Experts insist that if this happens, they will pose no threat other than a small risk of complete or partial annihilation of the planet. Experts also insist that Larry Niven's "Ringworld" series was really cool anyways, so if a chunk of the middle of the planet goes missing, who cares? Besides, they have been running similar tests on cheese in switzerland for centuries and no one has complained before right? Either way, France will likely be destroyed, so it's not all bad.

I think the collider will bring about the zombie apocalypse, not a black hole.

Forest doesn't need to run. You could throw him into a spewing volcano and he'd come out unharmed.

That's okay, Tom Cruise will save us.

He has to come out of the closet first.

Once you go black you definitely don't go back to retarded white boys.

I thought it involved your credit never coming back.

You have no imagination.