Ack, rereading this I've started off in a way that's so pompous and condescending. I'm sorry. Thumbelyna, acknowleging your loss comes first. This death is a horrific personal tragedy, and I'm so sorry you have to do through the pain of it. You, your family, your cousins. The world loses out for not having your nephew in it any more.
As for the anger, it's a valid feeling.
There are no "wrong" emotions, (they are your emotional responses) there are only constructive or unconstructive physical reactions/actions as a consequence.
May I suggest that in the long run letting most people in your extended family know about your anger might be ultimately destructive in a way that you don't want to your extended family relationships, in the end. Let it out at home, privately, where your kid's can't see and perhaps pass it along when you don't want it passed along. Let your partner and perhaps some very trusted friends (who you can trust to not speak about it if you ask them not to) know how enraged you are.
This might help you restrain yourself around your cousin: No matter how much, you, Thumb, loved your nephew with all your heart, your pain, and NOTHING you can say or do for the rest of your life will match the constant self-blame and utter self-loathing that your cousin will go through for the rest of her life. Nothing you can say to her will cover more than she already knows about how much she was at fault. And she'll be really lucky if her partnership survives this. Even if her partner doesn't blame her, the stress and grief of losing a child to death breaks up most relationships when it happens.
As for you, I'm sad and I'm sorry that I can't walk up to you and give you a long, long hug. I can't really wish for your pain to be less than it is, because it's a measure of how deep your love for your nephew is. I can only hope for one day for your memory of him to be a source of joy or peace in your life, rather than the raging scar it is now.
My only experience with a death of someone close to me, it turned out that talking all about that person with someone who also loved her was the thing that consoled me most in the end.
So, I invite you, IF and when you are ready, to post here everything about your nephew that you can remember. I'm interested in it all.
What did he look like? What did he get dressed in? You visited him, and saw his in snapshots, so what were the markers of him growing up for you, and what were you there for? Did he paint? Climb things? What was he like when you held him? Was he quiet, or noisy? Energetic, or quiet? What were his favourite toys? What did he play with. Did he ever go to a parent's group? Did he have playfriends? Other children in the family his age he played with? Did he have any health problems? How was eating for him starting off? I'm sorry if these questions start you crying, but I'll ask them anyway, because he was real, and he was beautiful, and he was precious, and there are other people in the world who understand that, even if they'll never get to meet him.
Edited, Sep 3rd 2008 4:36am by Aripyanfar