I hate...Follow

My colleague at work.

Now, in real life, I'm a nice person. Really. I never get angry, I'm chilled-out and nice, and always try to see the positive in people and situations. I'm diplomatic and considerate. 5-10 years of smoking pot regularly has turned me into a relaxed, easy-going, happy-go-lucky young man.

I work in a tiny think-tank, that's focused on policing and criminal justice matters. There are 4 of us permanent and 2 more part-time. I share my (tiny) office with a female researcher, let's call her... "Twatface". Twatface started at the same time as me, a couple of months ago. The first question she asked me was "Do you love stationary too??". She then proceeded to explain to me how much she loved stationary, and showed me all the pretty pens and highlighters she got from the office manager. Fine.

One her *third* day, she was all excited when I came in, and showed me her drawer which had this metal pen organiser thing. I asked where she found it, and she told me she took it from the desk of another colleague, who was on vacation. That colleague is, by the way, a part-time police officer. I questioned the wisdom of stealing stationary from a colleague, who is also a police officer, in an office where there are only 4 of us, one her third day, and she replied "Do you think I should've asked?".

A week later, she was chatting on msn to a friend of hers, who's girlfriend had died 2 days earlier, after being in a coma for a week, cos she was hit by a car. She turns to me, and tells me this guy's story, to which I can relate cos a girlfriend of mine also died after being hit by a car. She then tells me how she can't stand his whining, and how "Mancs are such drama-queens", and how he should really "get over it cos they'd only been together for a month"... I couldn't believe it.

And then, there's the rest: when she types on her keyboard it sounds like she's murdering it, she offers to make tea every 10 minutes and then complains she's the one always making tea, she sucks up to the director like I've never seen anyone suck up before, she whines about everything, she gets stressed when the phone rings, she is a complete, total, unabashed nightfUcking mare.

And I have to share my office with her, every single god-forsaken day of the week, pretending I like her and everyting is fine.

When I see her, I feel like gouging my eyeballs with a lit cigar. When she speaks, I wish I could rip out my ears with my teeth. I don't know how long I can last before I start doing crack-cocaine first thing in the morning.

FUcking stupid retarded petty dumbass heartless fart-in-a-jar twatface ****** tosspot evil witch.

I hate her.

I feel a bit better typing all this, but I can still hear her, just behind me, murdering her fUcking keyboard, and it's driving me nuts. She's gonna make me start smoking cigarettes again, I know it.

Anyway.

What about you guys, any pet-hates lately?

You can't tell your boss that while you love working for your company, you suspect you would be far more productive without the distraction of sharing your office with her?

Nexa

***** that. Duct tape was invented for annoying children.

Wood chipper.

Actually wasn't that on CSI Miami? It works but the machine still had blood residue or something. I'd go with storing the body in a trunk, weighting the trunk and dumping it out to sea.

No, CSI Wisconsin was where the guy fed the body parts to his pigs.

That would be awesome during rush hour in the Tube

She could be "ok" if she was a decent human being. But when people are complete twats, it kinda shows on their face. It's weird but people's personality affects their looks, once you get to know them a bit.

It was the original CSI. You know, Vegas.

I have a co-worker who gets on my last nerve, too. Thankfully, I don't have to share an office with anyone, but our company is extremely small as well. There's six of us, including the boss man, but he's never really here.

When she was hired, she had one kid, and said they weren't having any more. She was done. Within her first year and a half, she got pregnant on accident twice. Once I could maybe understand. Twice?

She gets personal phone calls all day long. She started as the receptionist, and they offered her a promotion. She filled in for another co-worker while they were on maternity leave, and she messed up so badly, they gave the promotion to the newer girl and told this girl she had to go back to the receptionist desk.

Now, they've decided to give her another chance. Someone has left our office, so they've given this girl accounts payable. At this point, she pretty much sits in her new office and talks on her cell phone. Why our manager won't talk to her about it, I can't fathom. She also pops into my office all the time to tell me her problems. I want to strangle her most of the time.

A stupidly high-risk and incredibly low-return strategy.

I like it.

Wow, what's up with you and Cat-ho? Both of you are all jacked up about co-workers. Reeeeelax. You two are gonna die of a coronary.

Totem

Dentures are a wonderful thing, no?

Totem