In honoUr of Valentine's Day. . .Follow

Albert & Gertrude were in their 80's and had been living in the same nursing home for 10 years, when romance blossomed. The nursing staff would smile at each other as they saw the couple strolling hand in hand around the gardens.

After a few months, Albert led Gertrude by the hand to a secluded spot behind some bushes and said "Gertie. We've shared a fondness for some time now, and I think you feel the same way about me as I do about you."

Gertrude blushed, and a smile smoothed the lines on her face, melting away the years. "You know I do Albert"

Albert became a little embarrassed and hesitant. Taking a breath, and taking her hand in both of his, he said "I think the time is right for us to show our love for one another in a more physical way".

"Oh Albert" said Gertie, shaking a little. "I never thought a man would feel about me that way. This last 20 years I've never felt this way. But I must warn you. Apart from my arthritis and rheumatism, I have other conditions that mean I'm not the complete woman I used to be."

"Oh Gertie my love, my darling. If we were both 50 years younger we'd keep everyone awake at nights, but like you, I no longer have the wherewithal to bring true satisfaction to a beautiful woman such as you. What I had in mind was simpler, but would mean the world to me."

"You only need to say the word, Albert my love, and if I can please you I will."

Albert leaned close, kissed her on the cheek and whispered tenderly in her ear "would you just hold it? Here? Now?"

Maintaining a tender gaze into his eyes, Gertie nervously slid her hand down the front of Albert's trousers. She looked into his eyes and planted a soft, tender kiss on his lips. Their eyes welled with tears. She moved her hand gently, but he placed a palm on her wrist. "No my love. Just hold it."

After a few minutes, she removed her hand, and with their eyes bright with love, they linked arms and strolled back to the day room. Over the next few weeks, staff would notice the couple in a tender embrace in the more hidden parts of the grounds, and presently they realised where Gertie was putting her hand. The idea that even in their twilight years, a couple could not only find romance, but a genuine physical attraction raised everyone's spirits, and all the staff turned a blind eye.

Until a few months later. . .

Gertie was late coming downstairs for breakfast one day and noticed her beloved Albert was not in the dining room. She asked about him, and the nurse hesitantly told her he had gone for a stroll. "What's wrong? Something's wrong?" wailed Gertie. The nurse could not make eye contact. Gertie walked to the gardens and stopped in her tracks.

By an Oak tree, there was her Albert, and to her dismay, Betty was standing close to him, with her hand down his trousers. Not knowing whether to weep or scream, Gertie strode as briskly as her joints would allow towards them.

As soon as he saw her, Albert looked crestfallen and red-faced. "You'd better go Betty". Withdrawing her hand from his trousers, Betty skulked away, avoiding Gertie's accusing stare. With a speed and strength that belied her frailty, Gertie slapped Albert across the face. He barely flinched and maintained a stare at his feet.

"How could you Albert? How could you? What's Betty got that I haven't got?"

Albert mumbled. . . "Parkinson's Disease"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

But did they also cause the death?

Actually, I knew a husband/wife that had a office together. He was a divorce attorney, she was a family counselor. Their respective client/patient lists were pretty much identical.