How do you tell someone their child is a menace?Follow

I believe I mentioned last weekend that I was attending the first meeting of an "all parents" role-playing group. I sort of spear-headed the planning of this event. There are five couples and 10 children in this group, ranging in age from less than 3 months old to about 6 years old. Of the five couples, there are two couples that I REALLY want to be included in this, and two who are more than welcome, but whose participation is not as important to me as the others. My enjoyment of this event would not hinge upon their participation as it would that of the other two couples.

I have now been told by my closest friend in the group ("Friend A", of one of the couples I very much want there) that she and/or her husband and son might not be coming anymore, because of an incident with the child of another, less intimate friend ("Friend D", one of the latter variety of couples.) While we were all together last weekend, the oldest child of "Friend D" (maybe about 4-5 years old) pushed the child of "Friend A" (not yet 2 years old) down half a flight of stairs. Had "Friend A's" husband not been there and literally caught the child mid-air, he could have been SERIOUSLY injured (a fall down the stairs like that could even be fatal.) And why did the four year old push the not-yet-2 year old down the stairs? Just because he didn't want him going up the stairs with him. He said, "You stay down!" and pushed him as hard as he could.

According to "Friend A" this is not the first time this has happened. She claims the child of "Friend D" has pretty much no conscience when it comes to hurting other children. The first time her son ever encountered this child, he had a toy the boy wanted, so the boy not only ripped it from his hands, he then CLUBBED her son upside the head with it.

So, "Friend A's" solution is to not participate in the group gatherings, or possibly just to come by herself while leaving her husband (who is also an integral part of the group, from my point of view) home with her son, because she feels her son is just too sensitive and emotionally vulnerable to not be traumatized by this other child's unchecked aggression (assuming he manages to escape another such encounter physically unscathed.)

Personally, however, I don't feel this is right. Admittedly, my perception is colored by the fact that I really WANT "Friend A"and her husband there while not really caring if "Friend D" and her family are there, but it doesn't seem right to me that "Friend A" should not participate in something she and her husband have really been looking forward to and would very much enjoy just because someone else is being remiss in checking her child's aggression toward other children. At the same time, I understand and appreciate her desire to keep her son safe, and am, in fact, concerned with the safety of my own son (now 8 months old) because what happens if the "problem" child decides to go after MY baby for something? I assure you my answer will NOT be to quietly exclude myself.

I don't want to create hard feelings. I don't think "Friend D" is a bad mother. I don't think her son is necessarily a bad child (though I think at his age, that level of aggression and lack of empathy could mean he has some sort of psychological issue.) I do, however, think the onus of keeping other children safe from her son lies with "Friend D", and that if her son poses a threat to other children, "Friend D" should exclude HERSELF and her son from events where other children might be harmed by her son's behavior. And I feel I have an obligation to say so, not only on behalf of "Friend A" but on behalf of myself and the other people involved, whose children might also be hurt at future events.

The question is, how to go about it?

Bring an Excorcist to the next one. That'll solve that.

Sounds like the ground rules are still being worked out for this.

Maybe you could make a suggestion to the group that because of the ages of the children they should be strictly supervised. Each week supervision duty can switch between the parents...or something like that???

That should be enough to assuage the fears of friend A.

But yeah, 4 year olds really can't be held accountable, yet, for their actions.

echoing what Joph said. Kids dont understand empathy or realize their actions can seriously cause harm to smaller kids until at least age 4 but even that's pushing it. I can understand the scare friend A is going through, but to say the child is bad is an overreaction.

And to be honest, it's not your fight. If Friend A feels so strongly, she should get off her *** and say something to friend D. Shes the mother, start acting like it. It might be that friend D really has no idea, especially if she is busy gaming with you guys. Give her the benefit of the doubt before you castrate her. Youd want the same if you were in her shoes



Edited, Jan 27th 2008 9:59pm by DSD

Is this kid's name Jason.......

Someone, preferably parent D, needs to smack that kid upside the head.

As my son is about to come into this world, please correct me if my parenting instinct is wrong...

Just tell them that if another incident even remotely worrisome happens again, they can't bring their child with them. They will most likely either stop coming or put the fear of hell into the kid for embarrassing them.

I personally don't think Friend A should be putting the pressure on you. I would, however, try to resolve this as easily as possible.

Also you mentioned you really don't need Friends D there. Go ahead and tell them they need to control their child. If that's your priority, then that's your priority.

I agree that there should be a set person/people in charge of the children (especially child D) each night and rotate it.

In the end, it's true. Kids are kids but bad behaivor should at least be scolded, not brushed aside like it's nothing. Maybe it won't have an effect now but in a few years it might.

An excellent point. If mom or Dad A did not say anything at the time of the situation, they lost their right to without really causing major bad feelings. if someone sees a kid hurt another child, the time to act and talk is when it happens, not weeks later. First response should be to make sure the child hurt is ok. Second, if the parent of the kid lashing out is not taking an initiative or isnt there, the parent who is there should tell them No hitting/kicking/biting/etc! We do not allow that! Then the parent needs to step up and inform the parent of the child what happened after making sure the two kids are seperated. After that, the ball is in said parents court.

You just may not understand it until you have children that age, but every child goes through that stage. Every. Single. One. It's part of the learning process. You raise an infant to a toddler, and they grow up thinking the world is theirs. How can they not when every need, every want, every whim is taken care of and delivered to them by those around them? It's not until they get a little older we change the rules on them and start to teach them to share, that others matter, that the world they thought was only theirs is actually others too. They don't get that immedietly. You turn their world upside down. And a child forgets lessons they are learning when they feel passionate about something. When toddlers and preschoolers get passionate about something, anything goes as they get their tunnel vision. Don't believe me? Watch a tantrum. After the fact, when they're calm and rational, they realize their actions were not ok. And they may feel contrite. but during a moment when they feel "their" toy is being attacked by another child, "their" ideas of going upstairs alone, "their" view of the world is threatened, toddlers become cavemen mentality and just act out their aggression and anger without forethought.

Sorry to hear about this. My girlfriend's nephew is much like Friend D's child. As a result, her sister kept the boy out of school this year and he'll start a year late as she's spending this year trying to get him to behave better around other kids. He's big for a 5 year old, about the size of your average 8 yr old and he's hyper active. They've already seen huge improvements with him, so hopefully it's working. i think he just needed an extra year to mature a little.

God no. He's really good with kids who are younger than him. My girlfriend's son is 16 months and he's great with him. Not sure how he is with kids his age, but he's really rough with anyone older than him. I could see him picking on the older kids in his school, easily.

I love that joke. I can see Charmaine doing that to Ray and me.

I didn't read any of this thread. Just the title.

That said I've always been a fan of being direct. I.E, "YOUR CHILD IS A FUCKING MENACE!!" gets the point across fairly well.