Today, I join the ranksFollow

...of the true medical professionals.

I walked into the ER tonight and was immediately told by the resident surgeon that I had to have my 'game face' on. I laughed, as any doctor or nurse will crack before I do when I'm working. He bets that I'll crack, as this case 'is one of those'.

On the table, on his side, is a gentleman in his 50s curled on his side, holding his stomach. We begin the standard Medical History, age, etc. Then:
"So what brings you to the ED today?"
"I can't ****."
"Oh, constipated?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Thursday."
"What happened Thursday?"
"I was drunk and in an alley and two men held me up and put something up my ***."
"....."
"I was drunk, I don't remember, but it was like 18 inches, and it's still up there."
"......"
"And I can't **** much since it went up there."
"I bet."



For the record, I didn't crack, not even when an 18" double-sided, flesh-toned ***** was pulled from him and the resident had to excuse himself to go howl with laughter in the hallway.

As I waited outside with the nurses, they each told me "theirs." Apparently, you can't work in an ER without experiencing this. Objects involved a bottle of Glow perfume, a mango, a cucumber, and curiously, a potato.

Idaho!

That or an Irishman.

Good times, Flea.

'Mine' is the fella ( late teens) who turned up in the OR one afternoon for 'removal of foreign body'....

We put him off to sleep and put his legs in stirrups....and

You know those spirally candles you get at christmas for table decorations? (forget the colour now (?brown, maybe?) Well it seems he had poked, or more correctly, screwed one of those into his butt. All the way in. And then in his excitement he'd let go of the end of it and it had disapeared inside.

Not to worry tho! He just needed to get something to hook it out again. First thing that came to hand was a builders pencil, the rectangular section heavy duty ones. So after some time spent trying to work it out with a pencil (Ba boom tissshhh) he only managed to push the candle in even further, and then he let go of the pencil!

In the ensuing state of panic that he found himself in, the first implement that came to hand was a small 'Kitchen Devil' vegetable knife. I don't know how long he spent trying to get the pencil out with the knife, but by the time he managed to let go of that up his chuff, call the ambulance and get to us, he must have lost 2 litres of blood, completely shredded his **** and sigmoid colon.

The operation went from a quick retrieval and a bit of a giggle to a 3 hour operation that saw him lose about a foot and a half of bowel and gain a temporary colostomy.

Luckily, not long after this, someone invented the Playstation for bored people to occupy themselves with during those long boring afternoons.

To Flea's credit, I'm sure she'll be a medical professional long enough to surpas even that, Paulsol.

Edited, Jan 15th 2008 10:21pm by Omegavegeta

I want to know the day you can keep a straight face when a guy walks into ER with a hamster up his ***.

My favorite was the kid who swore he fell off a ladder and landed on a flashlight. Pantsless, for some reason.

And he said to me, "Brodie, how else am I supposed to get the hamster out?"

That's the second time I've been able to use that quote recently. Too much discussion of **** insertion this week, I guess.

Yeah, when I worked in a doctor's office we had a patient who tried to use Silly Putty as ear plugs.

People: not that bright.

I don't think I ever want that kind of action.

The one thing that might change my mind on the whole life imprisonment vs capital punishment issue.

Too bad inmates with full size mayonnaise jars aren't always available.