As some of you know, until about 10 years ago, I used to be a practicing God-botherer of the christian persuasion. I attended church most weekends, and prayed most days.
Then my faith buggered off. This coincided with a number of major incidents going on, but I genuinely can't say whether they were cause, trigger or coincidence. All I know is that all of a sudden the whole concept of a God, and that trinity stuff sounded ridiculous in the extreme.
Lately I've wondered about why my faith could go from being a core part of my day to day life to a distant memory. While I have contempt for most organised religion, I'm always happy to respect people's right to believe in what they want spiritually (even though I do sometimes take the **** - can't resist an open goal), and sometimes I envy them their conviction.
I am a believer in the importance of silent contemplation, whether it's called 'thinking time' or 'meditation', and as I often have to visit places of worship through work (churches, mosques, gurdhwaras etc) I do find them good places for this. I also find the same solace in ancient places (iron age barrows, ruined castles, dark, quiet forests), so I don't see it as 'religious'.
Anywho, today my ramblings took me to a local cathedral where I fancied a snoop around the history. I'm nerdy like that.
[Digression]
The place was founded by St Chad in the 600's AD, and the Lichfield Gospel is on display (illuminated manuscript on calf-skin dating from about 700AD). There are tombs of bishops dating back well over 1,000 years, and the building itself is alive with real history (the stonework is scarred where besieged soldiers in the 1640s used it to sharpen their swords). I've been there often, but mainly in 'tourist' mode (I did enjoy a memory today of when I gave DF's bum a squeeze by the Chancel).
[/Digression]
Today, I plonked my **** on a pew and let my mind wander. Memories returned of the calm I felt after taking Holy Communion. A few choristers were practicing a beautiful, melancholy plain-song, and the shadows were flickering by candle-light. Without realising it, I was lapsing into Christian mode - contemplating the injustices and stupidities I've committed lately (a loooong list), and considering how I might redress these. On auto-pilot by now, I realised that I was not sitting on the pew but kneeling on the hassock. WTF?
I became conscious of the power that faith had had on centuries of priests and worshippers. I was acutely aware that my surroundings were testament to generations of people who had committed time, money; their very lives to erecting and maintaining this magnificent building, and filling it with works of intense beauty. I even thought about praying. I could do with an uplift at the moment, and I know some special friends who would really appreciate being in my prayers.
Then I thought "FUck it. It's all a load of **************
So I'm wondering. I know some here have faith (of whichever persuasion). Any of you gone from really believing to not believing and back again?
{Insert obligatory tl;dr here}