Black Irish - Sucked. It's sh*tty to grow up in Boston as a poor Catholic kid. Got it.
Gone Baby Gone - Good first 15 minutes, then sucked. It's sh*tty to be a poor Catholic baby with a crackhead mother in Boston. Got it.
Day Zero - Sucked. I know Elijah Wood is actually inclined to suck in terms of sexual preference, but this taking it to the big screen is just bad for us all. I almost changed political parties after watching this smoking ****, so poorly and ham handed was the anti-war sentiment handled. One redeeming characteristic: not set in Boston.
I am Legend - Sucked. I has a dog. Noooo zombies be killin my dog! That's the whole movie, really. Will Smith's taut dialog with @#%^ing department store mannequins confirms what we've all known for a while now, he gets by on being a black guy who can enunciate English words on film and little else. Every movie he's made in the last twenty years should have been titled "Six Degrees of Separation 9: Fourteen Degrees of shouting "What? Oh no you didn't!"
Once - Sucks a movie. As a music video it was fine. As a money making scheme it was @#%^ing genius.
I'm Not There - Sucked. I even happen to LIKE most of Bob Dylan's work. If I were he, I'd find Todd Haynes and stab him in the face with a harmonica 80 or 90 times to express my displeasure. Then, since that just wouldn't satisfy the rage and feeling of being artistically pounded in the urethra with a brine coated drill bit, I'd just start stabbing anyone else named Todd. I tried to think of a Todd who wasn't a massive drain on society, but I just couldn't. I propose we illegalize the act of cursing boy children with this ego crippling moniker.
The Bucket List - Sucked. Morgan Freeman is a talentless empty shell of a dying old man willing to do anything for a paycheck. I'm amazed he found time to pull himself away from making Edison Force 2 with Jamiriqui to shoot this thing. While I'm at it, let me say for us all: YOU DON'T NEED THE MONEY JACK. You've got more than enough just from the residuals of Batman to keep banging skeletal 20 year old aneroxic chicks well into your centarian years. Viagra's just not that expensive, buddy. How much money do you really need? Wait, you're playing a womanizing ultra rich ****? WHAT A STRETCH!! What's next, a transvestite giraffe?
Jane Austen Book Club - Sucked. At first I thought "Hey, what a clever title!" then I realized the horrible truth. The movie is about....a Jane Austen book club. No sh*t, I'm serious. A better title would have been "some crazy old ******** a lesbian and a dot com millionaire @#%^" I'm not kidding. The one mail character is a sexless bicycle riding geek. Wow, a story where the sensitive awkward guy attracts a hot chick, hackneyed but refreshing. Oh wait, right, he's a @#%^ing multi millionaire. Who rides a bike. IN LA. "Gee, I have a metric asston of money, how could I ever possibly get chicks? Oh wait, I know. Cycle to the book club and fail to mention my enormous wealth."
Becoming Jane - Sucked. Jane Austen that is. What the @#%^? Seriously, the woman wrote three great novels that have been made into 1000 movies already, and some other mediocre books that haven't yet become big budget productions. Here's an idea, Hollywood, MAKE ONE OF THOSE INSTEAD OF MOVIES ABOUT HER AMAZINGLY BORING **** FREE LIFE. I've got a high concept pitch for you already: Reese Witherspoon is a woman on a spinning space station in a distopian future where social conservatism has reached ludicrous proportions and decides to rebel by staging a play of the banned work Romeo and Juliet. Austen and Shakesphere in one movie. You don't even need writers for this sh*t. Mansfield Park meets Romeo and Juliet in space. BAM! $250M worldwide gross easy. You're welcome.
Lions for Lambs - Sucked. I'm unsure of what the science is behind the ability for Robert Redford to haunt us from beyond the grave with his sh*tty movie making, but whatever it is, it must be stopped immediately. Here's an idea for your eco consciousness left wing crusades, dude, Melanoma prevention. At one point, I paused the movie, and connected the dots of the cancerous moles littering his face and was shocked to discover the crystal clear image of Paul Newman hanging his head in shame. Indeed Cool Hand Luke, in @#%^ing deed. Why couldn't you have just cast Lee Marvin as Sundance? WHY?? Also, Tom Cruise is still a crazy gay midget.
No Country for Old Men - Pure unadulterated awesomeness. I went out and bought 42 pnumatic cattle slaughtering guns immediately after viewing. Everyone's going to want one for Halloween.
The Invasion - Sucked. This movie was so mindbogglingly boring that it makes Heaven's Gate look like a tightly plotted thrill ride. It probably could have been, good, it had a good cast, it was just about 90 minutes too long weighing in at 93 minutes.
We Are the Strange - Makes me laugh aloud just thinking of it. Fantastic.
King of Kong - Documentary of the year, easy. ***** all that Iraq stuff, no one cares. A director that can make the Donkey Kong world record look like an epic struggle between good and evil deserves and Oscar. Seriously. See it.
I'm looking forward to seeing There Will be Blood, if Daniel Day Lewis can pull off another Bill The Butcher caliber performance it might salvage the year for me. We'll see.
Edited, Jan 2nd 2008 7:25pm by Smasharoo