Lunch was great...Follow

...but the floor show sucked.

I'm walking home from lunch today and I hear the hysterical cries of a woman in anguish. Seeing as I'm a super nosy fuck, I poke my head around the apartment building I am passing, hoping to witness someone getting a beat down or some poor sap getting mugged, instead I see some fat 'tard laying on the ground, on his back, with blood spurting out of his arm. I walk up, some ugly *** woman is screaming "Help him! Help him! Someone! Help my boyfriend!" and four or five other people are standing around gaping like a bunch of beached fish.

I do the right thing and tell miss attention ***** to go get a towel and threaten to do something worse then a little cut on the arm, to the rest of them, if one of them doesn't call 911. Someone calls 911, emo girls gets the towel and I get drenched in a drug addicts blood while applying pressure. Seems fatboy Oded on his anger management pills and punched a window. Why couldn't I save the life of someone with a hot girlfriend and lots of money?

So, I'm kneeling there keeping the pressure on, the fish are gaping, and weepy wont stop yelling and she is really getting on my nerves at this point. She alternates between screaming at her cell phone (Mom wont drop everything and run right over to help. Sounds like she's use to this ****, huh?) and pleading with me to save her boyfriends life. Finally, I lose it and tell her to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

Actually, I ask her to come sit next to her boyfriend and talk to him. Anything to shut her up and keep him conscious. She sucked at both. First she gets mad at him for hurting himself and then she pleads with him to not die. He closed his eyes and feigned death. I didn't blame him.

About that time the Fire department rolls up and I figure I could step back and act like one of the fish. Not so fast Mr. Bloody McHero. The hot firechick completely ignores me as does the fireguy beyond a "where is he bleeding?" So I stay there kneeling in a pool of blood keeping the pressure on while the other two comment on how fun it is to come to this fat fuck's rescue twice in the last week. I guess he Oded on some other med last week and passed out. They really need a quick and handy way to get the synopsis of a person's life before you try to save them. It would help Darwin out, ya know?

At this point the ambulance shows up, they try to take his blood pressure, but can't find a working vein and I get freaked out. Some idiot that makes a habit of Oding on his meds is one thing, some **** that fucks his veins up is another and I got his blood up to my elbows and all over my pants and shoes. Ick.

Finally they ask me to remove the towel and they apply a bandage, load his fat butt up and the ambulance drives off, sirens and lights a go-go. They didn't need them but fuck him. He can pay the extra fee for all I care.

The firechick takes me aside and asks me if I knew the guy and was surprised to hear I was just walking by, so she thanks me, says I did everything just right, "just the way I would have done it, if I was here" and says she wished more people were as selfless as I. Now I'm even more freaked, so I asked if I should be worried about the blood? She uses some nasty smelling stuff to wash my arms and hands off and she says to wash my cloths in hot water and bleach if I can and to wash myself in bleach when I get home.

So, I'm sitting here, reeking of bleach, inspecting every square millimeter of my skin for cuts and not feeling all that much like I did the right thing. Funny how people react under pressure though. Fatboy laid there and groaned. The attention *****, well attention whored. The fish just stood around. And while it was happening I did what I felt needed to be done. I may as well have been working for all the pressure I felt. It only seemed surreal when I told myself this wasn't supposed to seem normal. Funny, huh?

COngrats on being a lifesaver. Did you at least get a firefighter chick phone number out of it? Or one of those junior rescue fireman stickers?

No phone number. She just smiled when I asked. One of the cops did ask if I had grabbed an application from the Fire Department yet. That made me laugh.


I want to pick at some of the left over chicken I have in my frig but I'm skeered. I guess I'll go wash with more bleach first.

Just rub some Purell all over it.

You're a *******

And if he's not bleeding yet, push him through a window and then call.

Well isn't this the attention-***** calling the kettle black.

Good job, there. You're fine, don't worry.