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Patently Bad Ideas

Ever gotten drunk with your buddies and had a ridiculously awesome, testosterone-inspired idea? You're not alone. Just ask Scott Seegert, who combed through the more than 7 million inventions filed with the US Patent and Trademark office to find the dumbest, dude-liest schemes ever proffered. He compiled his favorites in a new book, It's a Guy Thing: Awesome Innovations From the Underdeveloped Male Mind. Here's a sampling of choice man-novations Seegert uncovered.

Pogo-Copter (1969)
Take a standard pogo stick, add a wheel and a propeller and what have you got? A spring-loaded ticket to the hospital. As you bounce, the copter's blades send you high into the air. It's like floating on a cloud — for about a second. Then you crash.

Helmet-Mounted Pistol (1953)
Essentially a hard hat with a gun strapped to the top, this weapon is perfect for the multitasking hunter (or armless serial killer). To shoot, simply blow into the connected tube. Talk about a killer hands-free device.

High-Speed Track Trainer (1982)
No pain, no gain. Supercharge your workout routine with this two-wheeled cart that hitches to the back of a car. As a partner drives, you train by holding on, running, and generally trying not to fall and kill yourself.

Missing-Eye Glasses (1975)
If you have only one eye but want to approximate (however poorly) the appearance of having two, don these specs. They use a mirror to capture the image of your lone peeper and reproduce it in the location of your missing one. The results are not exactly out of sight.

Airbag Undershorts (2006)
What better way to magnify the humiliation of falling on your *** than with inflatable undies? These brainy briefs feature accelerometers that detect a tumble in progress, sending compressed gas into balloonlike pockets throughout the knickers. Phew — that was almost embarrassing.

***** Exerciser (1995)
Bet your health club doesn't have one of these. To stay, um, functional as you age, use your male organ to repeatedly push up the bar attached to the metal box. You can pump up the difficulty by adjusting the fulcrum. Be very careful not to pull any muscles.