It's 2008 and Hillary has been elected President. So during a victory lap around the country she and Bill wind up in New York City to attend a Yankees game. As the First Couple settle down into their seats in the first row behind home plate, one of the Secret Service agents ***** his head to the side listening to his earpiece and briefly speaks into his cuff. After a moment the agent leans down and whispers into Bill's ear. Bill pauses, looks at the agent for a long moment, sneaks a peek at his wife sitting primly by his side, and looks back at his agent.
"Are you sure?" asks Bill.
"Yes, sir. It was a unanimous request by the entire team from Steinbrenner to the batboy," the agent replies.
Bill hesitates, but relents when the Secret Service agent tells him the fans would love it. The ex-president shrugs, then grabs Hillary by the collar and the seat of her pants and chucks her over the wall into the field. Hillary gets up beet red, cursing at her husband, and threatening to end his life if she ever gets her hands on him. The fans go wild at the sight, high fiving each other, clapping, and screaming. Bill, seeing their reaction, bows and waves smiling.
"Wow, how about that!" he exclaims, "I never would have thought they'd enjoy watching me do that so much! If I had known, I'd have done that back when I was president!"
The agent turns pale and says to the old satyr, "Sir, you misunderstood! I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch!"
/rimshot
Totem
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How do you knock up Ann Coulter?
*** on her knees and let the flies do the rest?
*** on her knees and let the flies do the rest?
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
Long joke for shitty punchline.
Oh and congrats on 15k
Edited, Jul 30th 2007 11:49pm by Paskil
Ouch. Tough crowd. A'ight, I'll try again:
A trout was swimming happily through some spawning beds when he saw a beautiful white fish. He tried to talk her into spawning with him but she flipped her tail and swam away. He caught up to her and tried again. She ignored him a second time. He slowly sidled up to her and said, "C'mon now, baby. Don't be koi."
/rimshot
Totem
A trout was swimming happily through some spawning beds when he saw a beautiful white fish. He tried to talk her into spawning with him but she flipped her tail and swam away. He caught up to her and tried again. She ignored him a second time. He slowly sidled up to her and said, "C'mon now, baby. Don't be koi."
/rimshot
Totem
Why was a trout trying to ***** a whitefish? 
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
Because white fish are the standard of beauty for all fish ethnicities, silly! Duh!
Totem
Totem
Since a political joke that requires some build-up is too laborious for the more simple minded among us (S'up, Paskil?), I'll stick with the waterbreathing variety for the moment.
How come oysters don't give to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
/rimshot
Totem
How come oysters don't give to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
/rimshot
Totem
It's good that you drop by Totes, I used to have black friends, then my dad sold them all.
What is gbaji's definition of Foreplay? Don't scream or I'll kill you
What is gbaji's definition of Foreplay? Don't scream or I'll kill you
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
In honor of Bhodi's homosexuality or 15,000th post, either/or. Take your pick.
A guy says to his coworker, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my boyfriend, Bhodi, has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend tells him, "It's simple. Drive Bhodi to the other side of town. If he finds his way back home, don't **** him."
/double rimshot
Totem
A guy says to his coworker, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my boyfriend, Bhodi, has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend tells him, "It's simple. Drive Bhodi to the other side of town. If he finds his way back home, don't **** him."
/double rimshot
Totem
Two priests are standing at a urinal. The first one looks down and sees a Nicoderm patch on the other one's d1ck.
He says, "You're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not on your *****."
The second one says, "Well, it's working. I'm down to two butts a day."
/rimshot
Totem
He says, "You're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not on your *****."
The second one says, "Well, it's working. I'm down to two butts a day."
/rimshot
Totem
Why does L.A. have so many **** and N.Y. so many black people?
L.A. had first choice!
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
What do Mexicans and billiards have in common?
The harder you hit them the more English you get... S'up, Gitslayer?
Totem
The harder you hit them the more English you get... S'up, Gitslayer?
Totem
A man was in a huge hurry on his way to work. He was preoccupied with what his day held and he rear-ended a car at a stop light because he wasn't really paying attention. He spilled hot coffee in his lap and now was running really late.
"Great, just great", he moaned.
The other driver, who happened to be a dwarf, opened his door, stepped out of his car, and stared at the damage to his bumper. After examining his car's backend, he walked over towards the businessman as he rolled down his window.
The dwarf said, "I am not happy..."
To which the man replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
/rimshot
Totem
"Great, just great", he moaned.
The other driver, who happened to be a dwarf, opened his door, stepped out of his car, and stared at the damage to his bumper. After examining his car's backend, he walked over towards the businessman as he rolled down his window.
The dwarf said, "I am not happy..."
To which the man replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
/rimshot
Totem
Oh, come one! You aren't even trying:
Quote:
The latest telephone poll taken by the Governor's office, asked
whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious
problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious
problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
At the end of a small, almost deserted bar in San Francisco sat a huge black man named Totem. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man named Bhodi walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, Bhodi got the courage to say a few words to the fearsome big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Hey, do you want a ********?"
At hearing this, Totem leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the ever-livin' **** out of Bhodi, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat the little c0cksucker all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, eventually returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the massive and scowling Totem and said, "I've never seen you react like that before! What in the world did he say to you?
"I don't know," Totem mumbled. "Something about a job."
/rimshot
Totem
After three or four beers, Bhodi got the courage to say a few words to the fearsome big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Hey, do you want a ********?"
At hearing this, Totem leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the ever-livin' **** out of Bhodi, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat the little c0cksucker all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, eventually returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the massive and scowling Totem and said, "I've never seen you react like that before! What in the world did he say to you?
"I don't know," Totem mumbled. "Something about a job."
/rimshot
Totem
A professor is sent to deepest, darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. But one day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The
tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief, I think you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence --what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look
at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what-- you don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white kid."
/rimshot
Totem
tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief, I think you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence --what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look
at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what-- you don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white kid."
/rimshot
Totem
Ahh, ****. DDP.
Totem
Edited, Jul 31st 2007 12:32am by Totem
Totem
Edited, Jul 31st 2007 12:32am by Totem
A man brings home a bouquet of flowers to Bhodi. Ol' B says dryly, "Well, I guess I got to spread my cheeks for you now."
To which Bhodi's boyfriend responds, "What, you don't have a vase?"
/rimshot
Totem
To which Bhodi's boyfriend responds, "What, you don't have a vase?"
/rimshot
Totem
Moebiuslord, who has been out on the road for two weeks, stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
Moeb replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
/rimshot
Totem
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
Moeb replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
/rimshot
Totem
Jophiel comes home from work one day, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his new wife, Atomicflea, "Quick, Flea, bring me a beer before it starts."
Flea looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. Jophiel slams it and he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's just about start!" This time she looks a little angry, but brings him another beer. Just as fast as the first one Jo shotguns the beer. He belches and says, "C'mon woman, bring me another beer before it starts."
She blows her top, and yells, "That's it, you *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat a$$ down and don't even say hello to me! Then you expect me to run around like your slave while you drink yourself into a stupor! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Jophiel sighs. "Oh ****, it's started."
/rimshot
Totem
Flea looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. Jophiel slams it and he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's just about start!" This time she looks a little angry, but brings him another beer. Just as fast as the first one Jo shotguns the beer. He belches and says, "C'mon woman, bring me another beer before it starts."
She blows her top, and yells, "That's it, you *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat a$$ down and don't even say hello to me! Then you expect me to run around like your slave while you drink yourself into a stupor! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Jophiel sighs. "Oh ****, it's started."
/rimshot
Totem
Little Johnny's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral. So he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral of my story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Johnny is last to speak. He says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, armed with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 VC. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed another 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Johnny replies, "Yeah. Don't **** with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral of my story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Johnny is last to speak. He says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, armed with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 VC. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed another 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Johnny replies, "Yeah. Don't **** with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazilian?"
/rimshot
Totem
He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazilian?"
/rimshot
Totem
I can only hope that last political joke was brief and fun-nay enough to meet with Paskil's highbrow tastes and ADHD shortened attention span.
G'night now. Elvis has left the building.
Totem
G'night now. Elvis has left the building.
Totem
Doh!
Bill Richardson for president!
Bill Richardson for president!
Jokes are nice.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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