/wristsFollow

I feel pretty shetty right now. As you guys prolly remember my parents got divorced like I dunno, a year ago. Times have been up and down for my mom, mostly down. She lives with my grandma and is not allowed to go near our old place. They're selling the land that she wanted to pass on to me and my bro. She's depressed and almost never leaves the house. This of course drags my grandma way down.

My dad has moved on, still lives in our house, works on our farm, has a girlfriend, new car, etc.

It's not like the karma on the two of them is misplaced. My dad was always hard working, a great fun dad, and imo entirely too patient of my mom who took us all for granted and screamed at us whenever she felt like it. She's moody, has panic attacks, has faked panic attacks for attention, is not on speaking terms with my "evil" husband, and lies whenever it suits her. Yet, she's my mom and she was loving at times while I grew up and taught me a lot of good things in between the 6 month groundings and the yellfests.

With the two kids it's extremely easy to just burrow my head in the sand and be happy with my little life here on another island. Tonight though, my mom called in tears, sobbing about all that she'd lost and all that she'd never have again. She lamented about her past wrongs and though I couldn't understand half of what she was saying through her sobbing, I got the gist of it. I wasn't completely sure until she started talking about her wishes after she dies and how my brother doesn't want to scatter her ashes like she wishes so that he can have someplace to visit. I told her I put her wishes first and if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get. I got up enough courage to ask her whether she was going to kill herself and after more sobbing, I really didn't know what to say.

Finally, I told her what I've been thinking ever since this whole thing started. I said that it may sound cold, but considering everything she's been through and everything she has to go through for the rest of her life, I couldn't say I wouldn't feel differently than she does. Her reaction wasn't exactly what I was expecting. She thanked me profusely and said she really needed to hear someone say that. We talked a while more. She mentioned she loves my kids so much but that sometimes it's not enough. She said she's so miserable she can barely stand it and she can't tell my grandma. It doesn't help that there's this big wall between us since she and Mr. Pikko aren't on speaking terms meaning she can't/won't come to our house anymore.

Anyway, end result is I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for a call that she's dead. When she hung up she couldn't stop telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she was for all the things she did wrong. I've felt for a while now that she's in so much pain mentally that it was only a matter of time before it came to this point. Mr. Pikko isn't very happy with the situation, saying that I may not feel this way 10 years from now and that I may end up living with a lot of regret feeling like I contributed to what she may end up doing eventually. I'm kinda irritated with him for saying so because it makes me feel like I must be a cold-hearted ***** when really all I want is for my mom to be at peace. He says there may be things for her to live for but I have known her all my freakin' life. He doesn't even believe she's actually "chemically imbalanced" so how am I supposed to take what he thinks about her seriously?

Well, I'm rambling now. I just needed to post to get it out and I don't want to blog it on MySpace cause my brother will read it.

Edited, Jul 27th 2007 10:27am by Pikko

/hugs for Pikko.

That's all I got. But I'm thinking about ya.

She's histrionic. Now that she's got you all upset she's probably chillin' like a villain.

Wow, thats rough Pikko. Im not sure how I would handle that situation in your place. She either has the resolve to continue on, or she doesn't. Regardless of what was said, the fact that you talked to her at length, and truly talked , may be what keeps her around. If she had gotten an answering machine, or no answer at all, who knows how things would have turned out. Parents are a great force in our lives, but eventually the child becomes the foundation on which the parent relies instead.

....Mr Prudhomme? Seriously?

Pikko i wrote a whole long post about how the same thing happened to me about 8 years ago. But its not important, what you have to do is remember that you are the child and she is your mother. Love her care for her be there when she needs someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Learn from her mistakes and promise yourself never to do it to your children.

I know it sounds harsh but the way i got through it was reminding myself that my mother should know better, and that i am her kid not the other way round. I will never make the same mistakes as my parents.

Good luck pikko if you ever need a chat just hit me up.


Oh and as for the whole not liking your partner thing, my mum, bless her alcholoic satanic soul, told my GF she was a slag and i should dump her. My GF laughed at her and got her a coffee. L.M.A.O

*hugs* Pikko

That's hard. I'm glad that you were able to take the opportunity to express to your mom how you feel and that you were able to give your mom the empathy and compassion that she was seeking. Whatever your mom does, I think you can take comfort that you've done what you can and just remember you have to balance what's in your life against what she's wanting from you.

Thanks for all that you guys have said, it really does help.

The thing with my mom is she's been in therapy for I dunno, 2 decades now? One of my most common memories from growing up is getting her a Xanax and 2 Imipramine with a cup of ice water. On bad days, 1 Xanax, no water cause she'd stick it under her tongue so it would work faster. She's been committed twice, has actually attempted suicide twice and should actually be dead if me and my brother hadn't found her purple in the face hanging in the shower. Part of the reason that I could never stop siding with my dad (and which was always a source of jealously for her) was that after all she did, my dad could still forgive her and hug her better. I wouldn't have wanted to touch her after hearing the things come out of her, yet he always did.

I've tried lots of ways including the "think of the kids" approach, the "suck it up" approach, and the "get better for Grandma's sake" approach. They only seem to work temporarily. For a bit she wanted to pick up her life and move to Korea but now that doesn't seem to be in the picture anymore. It sounded fucking crazy, but I was ready for her to do worse so I told her I was all for it.

I'm not too irritated with Mr. Pikko anymore because I know that one of the main reasons he's such a prick to her is because of the way she treats me. He's tried very hard over the years to get me to snap out of the mental hold she has over me and just tell her to shape up or never call me again. Unfortunately I've only ever been able to manage a half hearted attempt at it.

Well pikko, it really sounds like your dad did his best and tried his hardest to be there for your mum when things were bad. But it also seems like she dragged the whole thing out. Probably not her fault, Depression is not something we can control, mental illness and the like. Sounds like your dad got tired of dealing with it and moved on.

Im sorry to hear about your mother beeing in such a rut, and for such a long time. I'm sure i could never understand the bond you have with your own mother, but it seems deep enough to keep you around when nobody else would stick with her. I think that the very fact that you took time out of your day to talk to her was probably a very large factor in her finding some sort of solace in her life. You may be the last person she has.

Sometimes thats is the best thing a person can do, just be there untill the very end, and have no regrets. I hope things work out in a way that leaves you not remorsefull.

/em hugs Pikko tightly.

I'm sorry...I hope though that everything will be okay.

/comfort Pikko ; ;

I don't post here often, I probably never have in fact, but I figured here was a better time than any. I hope things improve for you. I've had sort of the same situation only with my dad, and far less drastic (my parents divorced nearly 14 years ago and as far as I can tell doesn't have any severe emotional problems or any other problem habits like alcoholism and gambling like he did back then)



I'm only making a comment on this because we live on the same rock -- what's wrong with a (quiet) beach for "visiting"?

Personally I find it more calming and natural, and less dreary and depressing, than a place like a cemetary or mortuary. If someone were to comment on where I was after my death, I'd rather someone be able to point to the ocean's horizon and say "he's everywhere out there", rather than point at my nametag and say "he's in that box in the ground/wall".

I'm not making any sort of comment on what I think your mom should do, but it has always been my opinion that it should be up to the individual person to decide what is done with their body after death, not anyone else. As long as they don't have some absurd request like a $100k+ funeral service when it clearly can't be afforded in reasonable means, or something like that.

It involved lots of moogles I imagine

Hang in there Pikko.