So last night, as I'm concluding my day, I start performing my final task which requires me to herd my sheep-sheeps from one section of the property to another. I'm doing this lately because they had over-grazed a third of the property, and I want the grass to gow back, but I still want them to eat, so they're alternating between two other sections of the land during day and night.
Well, as is usual, I'm sort of beat by this point. I work about nine hours a day around here when I'm not being lazy; then it's about twelve hours. I get the sheep into the area I want them in by running around with arms flailing, speaking in tongues like a charismatic preacher, and realize that one is missing. I scan the field, looking for any sign of Piggy(whom you can see in my avatar, whom's hooves I pruned the previous day, and whom is the matriarch of my harem) and finally I spot her.
She's right up against the fence, and she isn't moving. I make my way to her, and as I get closer, she at least shows signs of life and releases a torrent of frothy yellow urine. Apparently, the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, and her head was stuck, tangled in the thin metal strands of the fence itself while her body was quickly becoming constricted by the thorny blackberry vines which run the length of my property on the north side. So I've got the Shit and mud-stained back-side of this gnarly woolen animal facing me, her body all twisted up in thorny chains and with her head through a hole in the fence. Yeah, it was pretty fUcking hawt.
So I grab my shears and get to work on the vines, cutting them away to free her body first, and she's so fUcking calm she's just munching away on the unmowed grass beyond the fence. I contemplate leaving her there. In the end I decide against it, because I'm already slaughtering two other sheep this week.
And this is where it gets good. Once I have her free from the thorny vines, I grab two fistfuls of wool right up on the middle of her torso and start tugging her back, out of the fence and toward me. It's a struggle, and she's not budging and it goes on for maybe five minutes before I even notice my neighbor watching me. These are the same neighbors who pulled into my drive the previous night, drunk as Nadenu after noon, and interrupted me while I was playing Vanguard with Git and Smoggy. He's been watching me stand behind this sheep, and pull it toward myself as I grimace and grunt.
"Need any help?" He says to me.
"Do I look like I need help?" I'm a grumpy ******* by nature, and the situation had me red-faced, fer sure.
"You look like you're fUcking that sheep," and he starts laughing. So I decide to have the last word, and I unzip my fly, release the rigid lance from my pants, and plunge angrily into Piggy. She gives a stunned half-baaah, half-oooh and pulls back hard out of the fence, cooing in satisfaction before she collapses on the ground. Missions accomplished.
Okay, again, that last part didn't really happen. I laughed when he said the sheep-fUcking thing, and replied "sure" and he came over and pushed from his side. We had her out in just a couple seconds after that and I made a new drinking buddy.
And that was my weekend in a nutshell. Oh, except the part where Git started coming on to me last night and demanding I cybor with his halfling.
I feel better now that I've shared all that.