Hillary and her driver are cruising thru New Hampshire when the limo strikes and kills an old cow that wandered into the road. Hillary sees a nearby farm and tells the driver to go explain.
An hour later the driver staggers back to the car holding a bottle of fine wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and lipstick smeared all over his face.
"What happened to you?" Hillary asked.
The driver says, "The farmer gave me this cigar. The farmers wife gave me the bottle of wine and the farmers twin daughters made mad, passionate love to me."
"What did you tell them?"
"I said I was Hillary Clintons' driver and I just killed the old cow....."
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The teacher is asking her 4th graders what their fathers do for a living. She gets the usual answers of firemen, cops, doctors, lawyers, but the last kid, Justin, says, "My father dances in a gay cabaret. Other men put dollar bills in his thong and sometimes he spends the night with them for money."
The teacher is horrified and ushers the other kids away.
"Justin?" she asks, "Is that the truth?"
"No, ma'am, my father works for the Democratic National Committe and is trying to get Hillary Clinton elected president. I was too embarrassed to tell the other kids the truth."
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The teacher is horrified and ushers the other kids away.
"Justin?" she asks, "Is that the truth?"
"No, ma'am, my father works for the Democratic National Committe and is trying to get Hillary Clinton elected president. I was too embarrassed to tell the other kids the truth."
Totem
Ole vas verking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut, vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da mergency room in da clinik and vhen he got der, da doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haff da finkers and I see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I hafen't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord, it's 2007! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Vhich Ole replied, "How da fock vas I supposed to pick dem up?"
He vent to da mergency room in da clinik and vhen he got der, da doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haff da finkers and I see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I hafen't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord, it's 2007! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Vhich Ole replied, "How da fock vas I supposed to pick dem up?"
RACK Git, that made laff.
Totem
Totem
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what amazing sight had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders going?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying, "Well, we're not having any of that ****** **** going on in our garden!"
Totem
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what amazing sight had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders going?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying, "Well, we're not having any of that ****** **** going on in our garden!"
Totem
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Dan. It's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK !
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Dan. It's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK !
Blonde Jokes > Liberal Jokes
19 posts
WOW!Nice jokes really like the innocent little girl one!LOL
magohombre wrote:
WOW!Nice jokes really like the innocent little girl one!LOL
WOW!Thanks for the invaluable contribution to this thread!LOL
Seriously, go play with sharp objects.
Jophiel wrote:
I managed to be both retarded and entertaining.
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench discussing theological differences, when a little boy runs by.The priest turns to the rabbi and says "let's f'uck him".The rabbi says "out of what?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. There's nobody else there but the bartender. After about 5 minutes, he hears this voice say, "That's a nice tie." He looks around, but nobody else is there, and the bartender is at the other end of the bar, so he goes back to his drink.
About 5 minutes later, another voice says, "Have you lost weight? You look great." The man looks around again, but he's still alone, and the bartender is still at the other end of the bar.
The man orders another drink, and after another 5 minutes, yet another voice says, "That's a sharp looking haircut." Finally, the man calls over the bartender and asks him what the hell is going on.
The bartender replies, "Well, it's not me, but it might be that bowl of nuts there."
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
"Well," the bartender replies, "they are complimentary."
About 5 minutes later, another voice says, "Have you lost weight? You look great." The man looks around again, but he's still alone, and the bartender is still at the other end of the bar.
The man orders another drink, and after another 5 minutes, yet another voice says, "That's a sharp looking haircut." Finally, the man calls over the bartender and asks him what the hell is going on.
The bartender replies, "Well, it's not me, but it might be that bowl of nuts there."
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
"Well," the bartender replies, "they are complimentary."
Jophiel wrote:
I managed to be both retarded and entertaining.
Drving his new convertible, Jim came up on a fruit stand selling "The Best Apples in the World". Intrigued, he pulled off to the side of the road and approached the stand.
"Best apples in the world, huh?" Asked Jim
"Yessir" replied the vendor, "$2 will get you the best apple you've ever had. Tastes just like a ham & cheese sandwich"
"Really?" queried Jim. "OK, I'll take one"
Taking a bite, Jim was surprised to find out it did indeed taste just like fresh sliced smoked ham.
"I taste the ham, but what about the cheese?" asked Jim
"You've got to spin it around." remarked the vendor.
A bite taken from the opposite site of the apple yeilded a bite of sharp cheddar, pleasing Jim's pallette.
"Thank you sir, I'll take a half dozen of these apples back to my cottage."
Continuing his drive, another fruit stand came into view, "Best Apples in the World!" it boasted. His curiosity peaked from his last stop, Jim again pulled off to the side of the road
"What do YOUR apples taste like?" asked Jim to the scruffy man sitting on a barstool.
'Peanut Butter and Jelly, much more appetizin' than ham & cheese apples" barked the man.
Agreeing, Jim purchased an apple for $3 and took a bite.
' "MMMM, creamiest peanut butter I've ever tasted!" Jim crooned. "Where's the jelly flavor?"
"You've got to spin it around" sighed the man
Taking a bite out of the other side, Jim found that the apple tasted just like frehly made raspberry jam
"These are great!" exclaimed Jim, "I'll take a half dozen back to my cottage!"
Many miles ahead, Jim again happened upon a fruit stand. "THE Best Apples in the World" in bright gold leaf was plastered on a large sign hanging from the front of the stand.
"OK." Jim said as he purchased an apple, "I've had ham & cheese apples AND penut butter and jelly apples today, what are these supposed to taste like"
"You really want to know?" sneered the thin man standing at the table.
'I do." snipped Jim
"Well, these apples taste just like fresh virgin pussy." Stated the thin man proudly.
Jim fell silent. He stared at the apple, then gobbled 3 bites down as if he had never eaten before
"Oh my god!" Jim yelled, "This apple tastes like SHIT!"
The thin man merely rolled his eyes and said, "You've got to spin it around."
"Best apples in the world, huh?" Asked Jim
"Yessir" replied the vendor, "$2 will get you the best apple you've ever had. Tastes just like a ham & cheese sandwich"
"Really?" queried Jim. "OK, I'll take one"
Taking a bite, Jim was surprised to find out it did indeed taste just like fresh sliced smoked ham.
"I taste the ham, but what about the cheese?" asked Jim
"You've got to spin it around." remarked the vendor.
A bite taken from the opposite site of the apple yeilded a bite of sharp cheddar, pleasing Jim's pallette.
"Thank you sir, I'll take a half dozen of these apples back to my cottage."
Continuing his drive, another fruit stand came into view, "Best Apples in the World!" it boasted. His curiosity peaked from his last stop, Jim again pulled off to the side of the road
"What do YOUR apples taste like?" asked Jim to the scruffy man sitting on a barstool.
'Peanut Butter and Jelly, much more appetizin' than ham & cheese apples" barked the man.
Agreeing, Jim purchased an apple for $3 and took a bite.
' "MMMM, creamiest peanut butter I've ever tasted!" Jim crooned. "Where's the jelly flavor?"
"You've got to spin it around" sighed the man
Taking a bite out of the other side, Jim found that the apple tasted just like frehly made raspberry jam
"These are great!" exclaimed Jim, "I'll take a half dozen back to my cottage!"
Many miles ahead, Jim again happened upon a fruit stand. "THE Best Apples in the World" in bright gold leaf was plastered on a large sign hanging from the front of the stand.
"OK." Jim said as he purchased an apple, "I've had ham & cheese apples AND penut butter and jelly apples today, what are these supposed to taste like"
"You really want to know?" sneered the thin man standing at the table.
'I do." snipped Jim
"Well, these apples taste just like fresh virgin pussy." Stated the thin man proudly.
Jim fell silent. He stared at the apple, then gobbled 3 bites down as if he had never eaten before
"Oh my god!" Jim yelled, "This apple tastes like SHIT!"
The thin man merely rolled his eyes and said, "You've got to spin it around."
Ok, Frak, while I knew where that joke was going, it still made me spew coffee. Good one.
Totem
Totem
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Edit: For proper spelling
Edited, Feb 14th 2007 8:59pm by Maverak
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Edit: For proper spelling
Edited, Feb 14th 2007 8:59pm by Maverak
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