I find Christianity so cute. So... human. It's so very human, in fact, that it's almost hard to believe it deals with God.
Take Genesis. God creates the world, and it all looks very nice. And yet, He doesn't put humans on it straight away. I guess the Earth wasn't designed for humans, but for animals, since we were safely in the Garden of Eden. Still, we ***** up, and get relegated to Earth. Fine, no big deal. We kinda ruined it for the animals, but if anyone's to blame it's surely God: A week's work, and He had another Earth, just like ours, for the animals to be safe. Instead He decides to be lazy, which is fine, but He can't then act all surprised when we ***** up the place.
So He does all this, in all his wisdom and glory. But of course, God is still yound and somewhat immature, so He feels he has to brag about it. So He's like "Yo, Moses, wanna know how the whole world came to be?" and Moses is like "Sure, but gimme five minutes cos I gotta take a quick leak" and "God is like "fine, I'll just chisel away some rules in the meantime", and God takes a chisel and some marble, and He chisels away.
When Moses stopped pissing, God tells him:
- So this is how it goes: On the first day, I created the Earth and the Heavens.
- Nice.
- In the dark!! I did it all in the dark... But it wasn't great for my eyes, so then I created the light, on the second day.
- Cool. This is going to take a while, isn't it?
- Yes Moses, it is.
- Ok, any chance you could chisel it down, and just let me know when you're done?
But God is not that kind of guy, so he continued blabbing away at poor Moses, who had to remember everything, and then write it down. It's safe to assume that not everything is true, since God is an unverified source, and being a teenager, He was probably just bragging.
Then, after he told his story, young God gets pissed off with some homos and blasts them away. Then he sends some locusts on the Egyptians, and asks some guy to sacrifice his son, only to say "NOT!" just in time. What a joker!
And then, like all good men, God has a son. That obviously chills him out, big time. He goes from vengeful, angry, homophobic teenager, to a much nicer and much more relaxed adult. It happens to a lot of men, and it's not very surprising. As you get a child, you start to put things in perspective a bit more. You feel slightly sorry for nuking a couple of towns just because some inhabitants were part-time ************* And because you're getting old, you send your son to do the dirty work for you. Not only that, but you decide that having dudes with names as long as sentenses, and that live for 1000 years is not all that great. So you cut down the life expectancy by some 950 years. Harsh, but necessary, I guess.
New God, it must be said, is pretty withdrawn. In the Old Testament it's "God said this" and "God said that", but He must have realised that running the world requires a spokesperson, what with all the misinterpretation and libels and stuff. And so God never speaks another word again. Slightly extreme, but that's the kind of guy God is.
Christianity is kinda cool too, since it show what people really thought at the time.
Take the Virgin Mary. She's a hugely symbolic figure in Christianity, and yet, she's never said a word either. There isn't a "Virgin Mary" philosophy. No speeches, no catchphrases, no "what would the Virgin Mary do?". All we know about her is that she had was a virgin, and that she had a child.
Sucks for Jospeph, to be honest. I can't help but think he was slightly supsicious when he learnt his wife was pregnant. Especially since Jesus was blue-eyed and blonde in a land of Arabs. And I don't think he got any any after Jesus was born either.
Seriously though, she was a "married virgin". The two most important virtues for a woman at the time: dedication to the husband, and sexual abstinence. And of course, no chit-chat. Even if you are the mother of the Son of God, but not His wife. And of course, she was not allowed to call herself a Godess. That tells all you need to know about inheritance rights at the time.
So you have God, the dude who created everything, his Son, who become spokesman for God laid the foundations for monotheist religion for the next 2000 years, and the virgin, who was, well, a virgin. And, err, that's it.
But that's not the Trinity, of course. The Trinity comprises of the Holy Ghost. And it makes sense. Without the Holy Ghost, it would just be two slightly macho blokes. Throw in a ghost in there, and it's suddenly a whole lot more mystical.
The Holy Ghost, however, does not have much of a philosophy either. He doesn't have a book about him. He didn't really die, or get born. We know he's "holy", which is just as well I guess. And yes, he talks to people sometimes, in whispers. A bit like an unofficial source. The ancient version of "a friend of God who asked to remain anonymous told this reporter that..." Still, you can't help but feel he's a bit of a filler.
Anyway, all of this makes perfect sense.
What is strange is that since the year 33, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost have stopped giving official statements. No marble scripture, no guest appearances, except sometimes on a piece of toast, and not a single word. That's still 1973 years without any sign of life.
My guess is that God and Jesus have died. Well, we know Jesus died, nailed by some Sicilian peasant while his dad was watching. It's quite likely that God died too. I think he got pissed off by the whole "crucifying his Son" bit. He condemened mankind for all eternity just cos one dude ate an apple. So i'm guessing the homocide of his Son didn't go down too well. We already were given the Original Sin, so it's likely he ran out of punishment. He used his Wild Card too early, basically.
So, i'm guessing he became an alcoholic, out of sadness and despair at these stupid ungrateful people He creaed. He probably had liver complications due to esxcessive drinking, and most likely died of a heart failure. That's why He never told the Popes, or the priests about the Earth not being flat. That's why he didn't tell them about the Universe either, and how we are just a dot lost somehwere in this giant soup. That's why he didn't stop the Inquisition, or the Crusades, or the pedophile priests.
And that's why some of you people still believe that man and the dinosaurs existed together, that the earth is a few thousand years old, and that the Bible is a true story. There's no one up there to tell you otherwise...