Movie Review: Barbie and the Twelve Dancing PrincessesFollow

An alternate title could be "A Bedtime Story for Barkingturtle"

This movie has something for everyone. There are 12 daughters ranging in age from 18 to 5 years old. Whatever your CGI fantasy, Barbie and the 12 DPs can fuel it. Of course they're all basically Barbie shaped so you need to have a thing for extremely thin women with budding breasts that will soon be larger than your head. The marketing department says that most of you are included in that demographic. The marketing department also says that the average male viewer will need to suffer through 2-7 minutes of plot before reaching satisfaction. That's why they kept the plot simple and moving slowly.

Plot

The daughters have no mother because she died of unknown causes. The father is the King of somewhere and he's worried that since mom is rotting in the ground instead of teaching the girls how to fold a cotton sash into a crude dark-ages-era maxipad the daughters won't be raised to take over the kingdom after he joins his wife in Barbie heaven. Of course he never has time to teach them anything. He's way too busy doing nothing all movie long. He never goes anywhere or has meetings with anyone. More of a middle management type, I think. The only thing he does in the movie of any consequence is he hires his cousin to teach his daughters to be princesses and then drinks the poison she feeds him.

The daughters all got a book from their mom. The books all have the same story inside which foreshadows the rest of the movie but the girls don't know this because they're naive, innocent, and living in a castle during the middle ages. What do they know about foreshadowing? Mom didn't get to that part of life before her spirit told her body to go to hell. Mom did have time to make different covers for the books. Each cover matches a stone in the floor of their bedroom. The story says to dance on stones in a specific way and the dancer goes to a magical place where wishes come true.

The evil stepmother's evil cousin keeps the girls in bland rags, tells them they can't sing and dance anymore, and teaches them exactly nothing. Dad is clueless to this because he's too busy worrying about his daughters to actually do anything for them or even talk to them. He starts drinking the poison which makes him sick and bedridden. Then he gives the kingdom to his cousin until he gets feeling better. The daughters go to the magical place and dance all night. Evil cousin finds the daughters magic Yoshi land and somehow usurps some of dead mom's enchanted powers. She can make wishes come true in the real world but I'm not sure how since I had already wiped myself up with a dirty gym sock and went to bed.

I'm pretty sure the girls defeat the bad cousin, save dad, save the kingdom, and discover something warm and fuzzy about their dead rotting mom but that's purely speculative.

Totem

Is this a plot for a peedophilic movie (or, if you're gbaji, a legally-ok-movie-in-some-states), or are the Bloody Marys turning you into a big softy?

Cos the plots sucks.

And you didn't describe any of the sex scenes.

Weak.




Edited, Oct 27th 2006 at 3:50am PDT by RedPhoenixxxxxx

I'll give ya some props anytime, big boy.

And funny how THAT worked out...

Mattel really is the debil.

I totally read the title as "Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Penises", which would have been a completely different movie.

My daughter is begging me to buy this movie for her. I don't wanna.

Well if you mother cured it that would be acceptable as well.