I made a life changing decision this morningFollow

Maybe with age comes wisdom. I have come to the conclusion I am happiest when I'm drinking, eating, and ********. With this in mind I will begin drinking as much and as often as possible. I recently became confused in this mid-life crisis era and I was running, watching my diet, trying to lose weight-- doing all that stuff that supposed to make you live a long time. It has made me miserable. The saying, "Don't you want to see your grandkids?" is pure D bullsh1t.

I have re-tooled my life with the expectancy of living to 55, so anything after that is a bonus. I'm going out in style and having fun.

I started this morning by sleeping in. The Mrs. asked, "Totem, arent you going running?" I peeked out from under the covers and looked outside. It was cold and windy and decided to make a big a$$ Bloody Mary, followed by two more after that. Suddenly life felt better and I was laughing at crap I used to think and ponder about as I made my way outdoors to go jog. With that major decision taken I grabbed the keys to the family Buick and unsteadily headed out the door to McDonalds. I slammed down two sausage McMuffins with egg and will crack my first brewski long before noon.

You see, I figured out I am happiest when I'm drinking and eating-- and these events bring you closer to the opportunities of *******, my experience has told me.

So as far as "seeing my grandkids," if I'm here, I'm here and so be it, but no way in hell will I be instrumental in helping raise them. I did enough of that crap with my own two kids. Instead I will drunkenly dandle them on my knee while balancing a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger in one hand and something with alcohol in the other. And all them health freaks better stay out of my way.

Who's with me?!?

Totem

You know it; I've already cracked my first beer this morning and fed the sheep. Now I'm loading up the pick-up with all the bottles I've found around here and taking them to the recycling center so I can get some more money to buy some more beer. Then, on the way home, I'm going to expose myself to someone!

Is that what you call it, you perv?

Nah. I've never been one for following that particular trend. I heart being lucid, even when it hurts.

You may want to get that looked at by a doctor

But only if it lasts longer than four hours, cowboy.

Totem

Totes, great plan! Here is a site that you can buy a sling to hold up your stomach apron when you get too large to have sex the natural way. Just lookin out for a brotha.

If you make this a religion, you got yourself a follower!

I'll be sure to not make the same mistake you did when I hit my mid-life crisis.

I'm sure your children just adore you...

Even at only four hours, with all the beer and bloodymary you're drinking you have to start practicing your hand-stands or go outside when you have to take a wizz.

Why would anyone want to have kids so early in life that you would even really consider seeing grandkids?

I would think you'd usually want to wait to have kids so that their organs would be ripe by the time you need them.

I've been half assing my drunkedness for the past couple of years, but this post has inspired me. Count me in.