This will be a rather odd question that I pose to you guys. Most of you know that in the beginning of August my father passed away from lung cancer. This is going to the people here who have lost someone. I go over to my parents house usually once a day to go and make sure my mother is alright and that she doesn't need anything.
My father used to sleep down in the family room which he kind of turned into a pseudo apartment if you will. Long story short, my mother likes hot temperature and my father liked it extremely cold hence why she slept upstairs.
My mother refuses to go into the family room now, claiming that it just feels strange in there. I will go in there periodically when I need to do things around the house to help her out and sometimes I feel really strange going in there and other times nothing.
My question to you guys is has this happened to any of you before and does it ever really go away? Or is this something that my family is just going to have to get used to? I'm not saying something like I think my father is haunting the house or anything like that. I'm just saying there are sometimes where being in the room feels really strange.
Maybe it's just our minds playing tricks on us or whatnot, I don't know. Any thoughts aside from the obligatory GFY's? Is this natural or am I going insane?
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My dad's sickroom was downstairs. It's now a resting area and guest room, and where I sleep if I need to take a nap when I visit. I don't think we have a weird feeling about it at all.
Do what now?
I don't have a death experience but, when my son is off for the summer, I find it odd being in his room. It just feels a little ***** as if I'm invading something even though, when he's home, I have no qualms about walking in whenever I want.
I guess it's just mental and an adjustment to the fact that things are different, particularly when you're confronted with it via your surroundings.
I guess it's just mental and an adjustment to the fact that things are different, particularly when you're confronted with it via your surroundings.
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
I felt the same way about my great grandma's room after she passed away. I was quite young when she died, but I was always used to to seeing her there in that room, and everytime I went in there after her passing, it just felt odd... The feeling didn't go away for about 5 years... until we moved for my schooling, and my fathers job.
With my great aunt, a similar thing happend, but the way my mom dealed with that feeling was just by going into the room, cleaning things up a bit, moving some old stuff out, etc -- Making it look as if my great aunt was never there to begin with.
Yeah, it sounds stupid, but w/e ^_^;
With my great aunt, a similar thing happend, but the way my mom dealed with that feeling was just by going into the room, cleaning things up a bit, moving some old stuff out, etc -- Making it look as if my great aunt was never there to begin with.
Yeah, it sounds stupid, but w/e ^_^;
"It just feels a little *****..." --FleaJo2
/squints and shakes his head at this verbal faux pas
Totem
/squints and shakes his head at this verbal faux pas
Totem
The room has basically fallen into disuse now. My mother used to do their bills in there but has moved everything of relevance out into the living room. My sister has gone in there a few times and she never mentioned anything about it, so I assume that she is fine going in there. It still is weird for me though. I'll walk into the doorway and be expecting to see my dad in his recliner watching the History channel. Now the room is just empty.
I suppose it doesn't help that there is still a very large amount of his belongings in the room itself. He had wanted my sister and I to go through his movie collection and take the ones that we wanted when he passed away. Other than that the majority of his belongings are still right where they were when my mother took him to the hospital. I'm sure that's not helping any.
I suppose it doesn't help that there is still a very large amount of his belongings in the room itself. He had wanted my sister and I to go through his movie collection and take the ones that we wanted when he passed away. Other than that the majority of his belongings are still right where they were when my mother took him to the hospital. I'm sure that's not helping any.
I think that feeling that you're invading someone's space probably plays a big part in why people sometimes leave a room as a sort of shrine to the deceased.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Brill wrote:
The room has basically fallen into disuse now. My mother used to do their bills in there but has moved everything of relevance out into the living room. My sister has gone in there a few times and she never mentioned anything about it, so I assume that she is fine going in there. It still is weird for me though. I'll walk into the doorway and be expecting to see my dad in his recliner watching the History channel. Now the room is just empty.
I suppose it doesn't help that there is still a very large amount of his belongings in the room itself. He had wanted my sister and I to go through his movie collection and take the ones that we wanted when he passed away. Other than that the majority of his belongings are still right where they were when my mother took him to the hospital. I'm sure that's not helping any.
I suppose it doesn't help that there is still a very large amount of his belongings in the room itself. He had wanted my sister and I to go through his movie collection and take the ones that we wanted when he passed away. Other than that the majority of his belongings are still right where they were when my mother took him to the hospital. I'm sure that's not helping any.
If you REALLY want to help get rid of that feeling, move some things around, pack some things up. You will have to do it someday anyway.
It might be tough to "disturb" the stuff, but it is something that WILL help you get over that feeling.
See the problem with that though is I do not live there. Maybe if I was alot younger and still lived at home I might be able to get away with that. But my mother wants the room to stay as it is.
It's kind of hard for me to say no we need to get rid of some of this stuff or put it in storage or whatever when I'm only there for a little while. It's her home and I think Samira summed it up perfectly that it's turned into some sort of shrine to him. Ah anyways thanks for the input I just wanted to see what someone else thought of the situation.
It's kind of hard for me to say no we need to get rid of some of this stuff or put it in storage or whatever when I'm only there for a little while. It's her home and I think Samira summed it up perfectly that it's turned into some sort of shrine to him. Ah anyways thanks for the input I just wanted to see what someone else thought of the situation.
To me, a shrine to a dead person seems like just a waste of space. YOu've gotta put the dead behind you and move on, ya know?
Humans are weird.
Humans are weird.
Packing up the deceased family member's belongings is part of the grieving process. Some folks wait longer than others to do it as they have a hard time letting go. Waiting too long can be unhealthy, but it's tough to say what too long is. For some folks, a week is long enough, for others it takes months. I would suggest start making subtle hints that maybe it's time to go through his things and start packing them away. Having a few things out for remembrence is fine, but don't get carried away. Your mother will likely come around in time, once she's ready to say goodbye.
So sayeth the doctor. Now GFY.
So sayeth the doctor. Now GFY.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
It's hard to lose your spouse, I'd imagine. Maybe thats her way of staying connected to him.
When I'm uncomfortable in a room I ********** in it. You could suggest this to your mother.
FUck you for beating me in this week's fantasy match-up.
FUck you for beating me in this week's fantasy match-up.
Maybe you have the shining, Brill.
Seriously though, Joph said it best, it's the confrontation of that empty space so much associated with the absent person that creates anxiety. At least, it did for me. My dad's garage was locked and ignored for almost 5 years before any of us could go in there.
Seriously though, Joph said it best, it's the confrontation of that empty space so much associated with the absent person that creates anxiety. At least, it did for me. My dad's garage was locked and ignored for almost 5 years before any of us could go in there.
What's bred in the bone will not out of the flesh.
Didn't you find that harder, after all that time had passed?
It's not such a problem in Southern families, I think. Relatives descend like so many vultures right after the funeral and announce, "Your mama wanted me to have this hutch." By the time they're done it's just a matter of cleaning the carpet and repainting.
It's not such a problem in Southern families, I think. Relatives descend like so many vultures right after the funeral and announce, "Your mama wanted me to have this hutch." By the time they're done it's just a matter of cleaning the carpet and repainting.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Brilly,
I do not mean to be insensitive. However, my Grandfather passed away via heart attack in the restroom of the first floor of the house my parents now live in. My grandmother passed away in the room attached to said bathroom.
I have no problems sleeping in that room, nor using the restroom.
It was weird at first, especially when my older sister mentioned that she thought the toilet was cursed. But I grew out of it.
I do not mean to be insensitive. However, my Grandfather passed away via heart attack in the restroom of the first floor of the house my parents now live in. My grandmother passed away in the room attached to said bathroom.
I have no problems sleeping in that room, nor using the restroom.
It was weird at first, especially when my older sister mentioned that she thought the toilet was cursed. But I grew out of it.
"The Rich are there to take all of the money & pay none of the taxes, the middle class is there to do all the work and pay all the taxes, and the poor are there to scare the crap out of the middle class." -George Carlin
Samira wrote:
Didn't you find that harder, after all that time had passed?
It was easier for me. I guess the time passed and the ability to really come to grips with what had happened was necessary in my case. My dad was such a private man in life that it seemed almost a betrayal to go through his stuff, even in death. Eventually I went in to this space knowing that all that was there was just stuff, it wasn't his stuff anymore. Now, in logistical terms, it was a nightmare. What the hell do you do with eleventy billion bolts and nails?
What's bred in the bone will not out of the flesh.
You build stuff! Duh!
Brill - it will take some time for your mother to deal with that room - or perhaps never. Best thing to do is not do anything and just be there for each other for support.
Put Joph to work!
Quote:
What the hell do you do with eleventy billion bolts and nails?
Put Joph to work!
'Lo, there do I see, the line of my people, back to the beginning, 'lo do they call to me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave...may live...forever.
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
I think that it's different for every person that grieves over someone, in that they associate a smell, or a place, or an event with that person more so than any other thing, and that's what would be hardest for them to get over.
When my paternal grandparents died, more than anything it was knowing that I would never hear grandma's voice or grandpa playing the guitar. I still tear up when I hear one of their old tunes. My father had a hard time going into their room, but I found it comforting. Grief is an individual thing. What may you feel better may make her feel worse. She'll move on in time. It's been nowhere near long enough.
When my paternal grandparents died, more than anything it was knowing that I would never hear grandma's voice or grandpa playing the guitar. I still tear up when I hear one of their old tunes. My father had a hard time going into their room, but I found it comforting. Grief is an individual thing. What may you feel better may make her feel worse. She'll move on in time. It's been nowhere near long enough.
My father died just two weeks ago and I've wondered how my mom is holding up. She still lives in their big house, with her cats and my brother. With limited mobility, dad couldn't handle stairs so he was primarily in the living room on a hospital cot, or in the computer room on his laptop. My mom spends much of her time there on her own computer so I don't think turning it into a shrine would be an option (though he hasn't been in the house at all in like eight months). The house itself, being mostly empty and echoing and crawling with kitties, is pretty creepy overall.
But if there is ever anywhere I need to go to be with my father, I just go to the Hudson River which is where we speard the ashes.
But if there is ever anywhere I need to go to be with my father, I just go to the Hudson River which is where we speard the ashes.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
Quote:
My father died just two weeks ago and I've wondered how my mom is holding up.
My condolences.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
I'm sorry for your loss, Debalic.
'Lo, there do I see, the line of my people, back to the beginning, 'lo do they call to me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave...may live...forever.
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
Thanks guys. It was pretty much just a matter of time, since he'd been in and out of hospitals and care facilities for several months, but be's not suffering anymore. The service was held on a gloriously bright, clear, brisk autumn day which was always his favorites. Now he resides in the Hudson River where we spread his ashes (with a distinct lack of Lebowski references).
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
Sorry 'bout that, Debalic. Cool place to spread his ashes though. We took my dad's urn all the way home to Scotland and buried him in his home village with his dad. There's comfort in that for me.
What's bred in the bone will not out of the flesh.
Sorry to hear about your loss there, Debalic.But you at least used a Folger's can, right?
Debalic wrote:
Now he resides in the Hudson River where we spread his ashes (with a distinct lack of Lebowski references).
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
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