“Voilà ! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.â€
Don't know why I thought of that, but probably one of the most entertaining monologues I've ever heard.
Any other contenders? Either entertaining, comedic, or touching?
I'm sure the majority of you will trip all over yourselves to quote some obscure ramble by Conrad or Faulkner, but try to keep it not so nerdy.
VFollow
I had to turn subtitles on when I was watching that. And still I had to replay it a few times.
Those V words throw me off.
Those V words throw me off.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Somehow I sense that 'F' might be equally if not more entertaining.
John Cooper-Clarke wrote:
The pest pulled up, propped his pushbike at a pillar box, pulled his 'peen, paused at a post and pissed.
'**** in the proper place' pronounced a perturbed pedestrian, and presently, this particular part of the planet was plunged into a panorama of public pressure and pleasure through pain.
The pandemonium prompted the police, who patrolled the precinct in panda-cars, to pull up and peruse the problem, while pickpockets picked pockets in pairs.
'Arrest the pest who so pointedly pissed in that public place' pleaded the peeved people, practically palpitating.
The powerful police picked up the pest: pronounced him a poof, a pansy, a punk rocker, a pinko, a poodle poker. They picked him up, pummeled his pelvis, punctured his pipes, played ping-pong with his pubic parts, and packed him in a place of penal putrifaction.
The period in prison prooved pitiless. The pendulous pressure of a painless personality purge prompted the pest to ponder upon progessive politics... and a workable prognosis.
He put pen to paper and provatively and persuasively propogated his personal political premise -- pity:
A police provacateur put poison pellets in the pest's porridge. The police provacateur was promoted, and the pest was presented with the pulitzer peace prize...
posthumously.
'**** in the proper place' pronounced a perturbed pedestrian, and presently, this particular part of the planet was plunged into a panorama of public pressure and pleasure through pain.
The pandemonium prompted the police, who patrolled the precinct in panda-cars, to pull up and peruse the problem, while pickpockets picked pockets in pairs.
'Arrest the pest who so pointedly pissed in that public place' pleaded the peeved people, practically palpitating.
The powerful police picked up the pest: pronounced him a poof, a pansy, a punk rocker, a pinko, a poodle poker. They picked him up, pummeled his pelvis, punctured his pipes, played ping-pong with his pubic parts, and packed him in a place of penal putrifaction.
The period in prison prooved pitiless. The pendulous pressure of a painless personality purge prompted the pest to ponder upon progessive politics... and a workable prognosis.
He put pen to paper and provatively and persuasively propogated his personal political premise -- pity:
A police provacateur put poison pellets in the pest's porridge. The police provacateur was promoted, and the pest was presented with the pulitzer peace prize...
posthumously.
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I saw JCC in the Worlds End pub in Finsbury Park in about 1987. Bloody brilliant. Wonder what happened to him?
T'was a scary pub back then. every second person in there was collecting money for the IRA. remember them? they were proper terrorists! Not these gumbies we are all so 'frightened' of these days.
Thats what we should do! Reform the IRA, and send them off to have a word with the Al qaeda types. that'd sort them out. And perhaps when they have sorted out what the US army is struggling to sort out, the maybe, just maybe, I WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE BABY FOOD BACK ON THE FU[i]CKING AIRPLANE AGAIN!!![/i]
Something is but nothing
something it is not
nil plus nil is nothing
nothings what i got
Nothing on the tele
Nothing going on
Nothing to get worked up about
Nothing by the ton
Nothing times a million
Nothing minus ten
Don't say nothing to no one
It's nothing to do with them
Come all the way from nowhere
and now I'm nowhere else
where nothing is out of place
No one lives
and nothing smells
talking to no one
it's like talking to the wall
i give you what i get
i give you bugger all
(My favorite)
T'was a scary pub back then. every second person in there was collecting money for the IRA. remember them? they were proper terrorists! Not these gumbies we are all so 'frightened' of these days.
Thats what we should do! Reform the IRA, and send them off to have a word with the Al qaeda types. that'd sort them out. And perhaps when they have sorted out what the US army is struggling to sort out, the maybe, just maybe, I WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE BABY FOOD BACK ON THE FU[i]CKING AIRPLANE AGAIN!!![/i]
Something is but nothing
something it is not
nil plus nil is nothing
nothings what i got
Nothing on the tele
Nothing going on
Nothing to get worked up about
Nothing by the ton
Nothing times a million
Nothing minus ten
Don't say nothing to no one
It's nothing to do with them
Come all the way from nowhere
and now I'm nowhere else
where nothing is out of place
No one lives
and nothing smells
talking to no one
it's like talking to the wall
i give you what i get
i give you bugger all
(My favorite)
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders". Carlin.
Elderon the Wise wrote:
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Not a punt cut rough
but a rough cut punt.
3 times quickly. . .
Go!!
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a pond,
A man in a Punt,
stuck his pole,
in the water,
and said,
you cant swim there, its private.
Who went for a swim in a pond,
A man in a Punt,
stuck his pole,
in the water,
and said,
you cant swim there, its private.
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders". Carlin.
Oran 'Juice' Jones wrote:
Hey, hey baby. How ya doin'? Come on in here. Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you. Listen, first things first; let me hang up the coat. How was your day today? Did you miss me? You did? Yeah? I missed you too. I missed you so much I followed you today. That's right, now close your mouth 'cause you cold busted.
Now just sit down here, sit down here. I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do. You know, my first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo. I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you. But I didn't wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat. So instead I chilled -- That's right. Chilled. I called up the bank and took out every dime. Then I cancelled all your credit cards. I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you. Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. What were you thinking? -- You was with the Juice! I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds and Gucci handbags. I gave you things you couldn't even pronounce. But now, I can't give you nothing but advice. 'Cause you're still young, yeah, you're young. And you're gonna find somebody like me one of these days. Until then, you know what you gotta do? You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. 'Cause you dismissed! That's right, silly rabbit, Trix are for kids, don't you know that. You without me is like corn flakes without the milk! This is my world. You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut! Now get on outta here. Scat!
Don't touch that coat.
Now just sit down here, sit down here. I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do. You know, my first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo. I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you. But I didn't wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat. So instead I chilled -- That's right. Chilled. I called up the bank and took out every dime. Then I cancelled all your credit cards. I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you. Don't go lookin' in that closet 'cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. What were you thinking? -- You was with the Juice! I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds and Gucci handbags. I gave you things you couldn't even pronounce. But now, I can't give you nothing but advice. 'Cause you're still young, yeah, you're young. And you're gonna find somebody like me one of these days. Until then, you know what you gotta do? You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. 'Cause you dismissed! That's right, silly rabbit, Trix are for kids, don't you know that. You without me is like corn flakes without the milk! This is my world. You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut! Now get on outta here. Scat!
Don't touch that coat.
Edited, Sep 26th 2006 at 4:31pm EDT by Jophiel
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live.
From Sandman Brief Lives.
The little quote on my Myspace is from Sandman too.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live.
From Sandman Brief Lives.
The little quote on my Myspace is from Sandman too.
V as in very dissappointing that this thread isn't really about V.
Renton ranted
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ********* brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
Quote:
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ********* brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders". Carlin.
Smoove B wrote:
Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.
Aw, baby, I know that I had said some things that made you mad, but I am extremely sorry. If you just come on home, I will make it up to you. I will take you to new stratospheres of love. I will sex you wild.
To make up for all the foolish things I said, tomorrow night, I will escort you to my crib, where I will prepare for you a romantic meal comprised of succulent lobster from the finest sea. We will both eat the lobster and enjoy a side dish of rice with it. There will also be a baked potato waiting for you, and some butter for you to place upon that potato. In addition, there will be sour cream, which you may also put on the potato if you so desire.
I will also serve juice.
Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.
It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.
While I am freaking you, I will whisper various things in your ear. Some of the phrases I will say to you are, "Baby, you are my everything," "You feel so good, I can't stand it," and, "Girl, ride me." There will also be candles and a CD featuring the music of Keith Sweat to create an atmosphere of unbridled romance, making you wet.
This is how you will get Smooved.
Just say the word, and we will share interplanetary cocoa love until the break of dawn. We will bump across the galaxy, exploring the known solar system with our passion. We will journey to places even the astronomers have never been. We will bump to Pluto, as well as to the moon.
When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.
If you would like to be massaged with scented oils, I will appear behind you and do so. I will make sure to rub your neck and shoulders lovingly, neither rubbing so hard as to be painful, nor so soft as to be ineffectual for massaging purposes.
Aw, girl, I want to throw you on the floor right now and ride you hard.
To summarize my feelings, I love you, and that fact is inscrutable. If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me for all the foolish things I did and said, we could take a magical voyage to Atlantis together, sailing on a caravan of love. Just say the word, and I will sting you. I will Smoove you.
All night long.
Aw, baby, I know that I had said some things that made you mad, but I am extremely sorry. If you just come on home, I will make it up to you. I will take you to new stratospheres of love. I will sex you wild.
To make up for all the foolish things I said, tomorrow night, I will escort you to my crib, where I will prepare for you a romantic meal comprised of succulent lobster from the finest sea. We will both eat the lobster and enjoy a side dish of rice with it. There will also be a baked potato waiting for you, and some butter for you to place upon that potato. In addition, there will be sour cream, which you may also put on the potato if you so desire.
I will also serve juice.
Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.
It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.
While I am freaking you, I will whisper various things in your ear. Some of the phrases I will say to you are, "Baby, you are my everything," "You feel so good, I can't stand it," and, "Girl, ride me." There will also be candles and a CD featuring the music of Keith Sweat to create an atmosphere of unbridled romance, making you wet.
This is how you will get Smooved.
Just say the word, and we will share interplanetary cocoa love until the break of dawn. We will bump across the galaxy, exploring the known solar system with our passion. We will journey to places even the astronomers have never been. We will bump to Pluto, as well as to the moon.
When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.
If you would like to be massaged with scented oils, I will appear behind you and do so. I will make sure to rub your neck and shoulders lovingly, neither rubbing so hard as to be painful, nor so soft as to be ineffectual for massaging purposes.
Aw, girl, I want to throw you on the floor right now and ride you hard.
To summarize my feelings, I love you, and that fact is inscrutable. If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me for all the foolish things I did and said, we could take a magical voyage to Atlantis together, sailing on a caravan of love. Just say the word, and I will sting you. I will Smoove you.
All night long.
Link
I love this paper.
NephthysWanderer the Charming wrote:
I'm sure the majority of you will trip all over yourselves to quote some obscure ramble by Conrad or Faulkner, but try to keep it not so nerdy.
Yeah, I do tend to ramble obscurely.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
Quote:
Conrad or Faulkner, but try to keep it not so nerdy.
yeah, he does try.. it's a gallant effort too...
i saw this thread and thought hm.. V for ... chalice lol the da vinci code is stuck in my head
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