New Slant on an Old SubjectFollow

So, I was listening to the radio the other day, and the hosts were asking thier gay callers to describe what it was like for them to come out to their parents. During the course of the discussion, there was a point made by two of the hosts that they felt that being gay was not a choice, and then the throwaway comment that being bisexual was.

I took Nobby's quiz, and was 'gayer' than I thought it would be, if anything I suppose, because gender identitites are changing at a rate never before seen, and I suppose I have a wider definition of my female-ness than the quiz would expect. Also, IMHO, that quiz doesn't measure attraction to the same sex as much as your percieved gender identity. But I digress.

It made me think back to college, to a friend I had that was SO eager to be the poster-child for open-mindedness that she became dangerously free in her sexual favors, and she didn't limit herself to just one sex. Now I can't honestly say I know, but at the time she told me she had discovered she was bisexual, and, knowing her past issues and traumas, I just thought to myself "You need to be loved so bad you don't care who does the loving". Now, for her, I think it was a choice, and I didn't see her as a "true" bisexual even though she slept with several men and women, but never once attempted a relationship with her female partners or introduced them to friends or family as significant others like she did with her men.

In my mind, the idea of a gay person means that not only are you sexually attracted to the same gender, but that your entire idea of love and happiness revolves around the fulfillment of your romantic ideal, and that's a multidimensional concept that involves more than heavy petting and random one-nighters. In other words, it's a lifestyle.

I did meet a woman once who was bisexual, and we worked together for two years. During that time, she dated both men and women, and her attitude towards it was that she had just realized at one point in her life that she didn't care what body her soulmate came in, and that she could love one as well as the other. This seemed to me less of a choice, and more of a self-realization. Since my experience with the bisexual community has been so limited, though, I find I have no real stance on whether or not this is a chosen lifestyle, something you're born with, or a combination of both. I understand there is even a significant stigma within the Gay and Lesbian Community towars Bisexuals, like they just want to have their cake and eat it, too. I was looking to see if any of you (including Yanari, as the obvious Token if she is so inclined) had any thoughts on this.

Edited, Jun 23rd 2006 at 10:45am EDT by Atomicflea

Joph, sounds like there could be some 3-way action in your near future!

Giggidy goo!






What, you expect me to post in a thread involving sex without some sexual comment regarding getting it on? Ha!

Bow-chicka wow-wow!

More on subject, but the only "bisexuals" that I know are girls who like the positive reception they get from guys by flirting with their female friends, or by talking about the ways that they flirt with their female friends.

But that's college for you.

Edited, Jun 23rd 2006 at 11:16am EDT by Eske

OMFG Smash is a bisexual!11!!

And Eske, not to be an ***, but what you're discussing is the denotation of a term, while I'm discussing a lifestyle that happens to come under its heading.

That's why I prefaced my post as such, heh. Yup, I understand what you mean, I was just a little curious if you believe that someone who's only interested in the sexual aspects of being homosexual was legitimately gay.

/dies

I suppose that they could be "legitimately" gay in their own mind, but that behavior seems to point towards an individual who is in the closet more than one who is openly gay. They may want the release of the sexual union, in other words, without actually WANTING to look any deeper at their orientation.

Even some heteros have no interest in relationships or personal connections outside of sex, but in a commonly accepted orientation like the heterosexual one, that tends to be more of an indication of a psychoemotional problem than the reaction of a healthy individual who is sexually attracted to a member of the opposite sex and does not try to limit his/her emotional or social involvement.

In highschool, I had a female friend that has come out as being bisexual. She was petite and very pretty (definitely the anti-Butch stereotype of a lesbian). It was during our senior year in high school that she came out and professed herself to be attracted to females and became involved in a sexual relationship witn another female. Needless to say, everyone was shocked and her female friends weren't sure how to act around her and the guys were just all turned on (they would either convert back to straightdom or they'd get the 3some).

Anyway, when college hit, she "switched" her preference back to males and announced that her earlier decision that she was gay was wrong and that she THOUGHT she liked women, but now knew better. She dated men exclusively and later entered a very serious relationship with a man who she later married. I thought at that point her previous adventures into the world of lesbians were just experiments and since she didn't know what she wanted, she tried both until she found a fit.

During the marriage, she found that she was becoming very attracted, once again, to women and had a few affairs with her female companions. She was still married. Her husband found out and their marriage went through a very rough patch. They were on the verge of separation, but managed to work through their problems. Anyway, the way she explained it to me is that she found her one true love with her husband. He fulfills her every need in life, but one, she is still attracted to women and since her husband is NOT a woman, she nees that fulfillment in someway. Somehow, her husband has accepted this and, for lack of a better term, turns a blind eye to her other relationships with women. She has assured him that there is no other man in her life and she wants no other man in her life and would never leave him, but she can't help herself to not want other women.

I see that what she has done has had her tubesteak and gets to eat the pie too. For that reason, it is very hard (for me at least) to take her seriously when she says that she takes her marriage very seriously. If these were men she was sleeping with, her husband would have had a different stance on her activities. It just comes across as her having the security of marriage and yet getting to be a lesbian as well.

For those that are gay, it's always described that they did not have a choice. Their brains/bodies were wired that way in that they are attracted to those of their own gender. After seeing what my friend has gone through, I have come to view bisexualism as being gay, but not wanting to really face it. So they couch it in a way as "I'm straight, but I need other things too."

That is an incredibly lame excuse. I know you're not defending her since you just said that you thought she doesn't take her marriage seriously but... meh.

I guess if he's going along with it, so be it.

I find that this is a common view of bisexualism, and I've even had it myself at times. However, I try very hard not to limit my thinking on the subject since I don't have first-hand experience, and I don't want to be unfair or misunderstand the population.

I tend to think that your friend's inability to be faithful isn't part of her bisexuality (or in your mind, homosexuality), but rather more of a part of her general views re:intrarelationship morality. Being unfaithful is wrong, no matter what. If you miss the sex with women, you should not make a commitment to monogamy. If the husband accepts this, he's enabling amoral behavior that is poisonous to a committed relationship.

Edited, Jun 23rd 2006 at 12:30pm EDT by Atomicflea

Having been through both an affair with a wonderful lesbian in high school and then married to an transsexual, I guess I been force to do some soul searching on my gender and sexuality.

Ones gender does not have anything to do with your sexual preference. I know my gender is female and I have no interest in changing it. I'm currently committed to one man and am very happy with him sexually. That doesn't stop my fantasizing about sex with women, I just don't act on it. I just haven't met any females since high school, who have come on to me.

So sexually I would say I'm bisexual and open to having a committed relationship with either males or females, but not at the same time.

That would be swinging. Or polygamy.




Edited, Jun 23rd 2006 at 2:18pm EDT by Elderon

Why does it seem that many people connect sexual attachment so intimately with emothinal connection in such a way that having sex with anyone else seems such a terrible thing? I would think that if you can't meet all your needs with one person then having a purely sexual relationship with another person would solve your issue.