In return for bringing edjamakashun and kulcher to our American dominions, we were repaid with an offensive tea party and reruns of "I Love Lucy". Ungrateful bastages!
Now other parts of Her Britannic Majesty's domains were far more civilised about it. And none more so than the Indian subcontinent. They learned to play cricket so we usually have someone to beat. They took the Beatles off our hands when they'd gone a bit wierd. And they graced our hallowed island with. . . Curry!
So in celebration of the culinary, nay, cultural beauty that is Indian cuisine, I present:
Nobby's Guide to an English Curry Night
Destination
Choose the right restaurant.
- Cuisine: Ideally Bangladeshi or Punjabi. Hot if you want it, but flavoUrsome and hearty.
- Location: Close to a good pub
- Timing: Late enough for a few preparatory pints, but not so late that you're cheek-by-jowl with pissed up Chav brain-donors after the pubs have kicked out. 9 or 9:30's usually good.
Preparation
This is vital.
- Place 2 toilet rolls in the fridge. Bottom shelf is best.
- Tie a brick to each corner of the quilt on your bed. Avoids having to peel it off the ceiling at 2am when the flatulence really kicks in.
- Place air fresheners in every room of the house
- Notify your local Environmental Health Officer and Air Traffic Control that you're going for a curry with the lads (this is now a legal requirement)
- Put the toothpaste in a prominent place, and hide the Hemorrhoid Cream
- Remove any matches, cigarette lighters, or any source of ignition from the bedroom
The Journey
Sturdy walking boots are essential, and flammable clothing is ill-advised.
Go via the pub. Guinness may sound like a good idea (isn't it always?) but to leave room for the imminent gastronomic adventure, a lager is more sensible. Stella Artois or Becks Bier are ideal. Don't go mad. Just keep to 3 or 4 pints.
On Arrival
Don't call the waiters "Apoo", "Saddam" or "CUnt-Face". Apparently these can cause offence.
Immediately identify the member of your party who will order "the hottest fUcking thing you've got". Kick him repeatedly in the nuts and place him on the pavement outside. Anything less is just not British.
Order beers (lager again), preferably the house special Indian brew. Cobra and Kingfisher are OK, but if you find "Lal Toofan", knock yourself out with it. Lovely stuff.
Ordering
Starters:
Pickles and Poppadums are OK, and maybe a few Pakoras, Bhajia or Samosas are acceptable. Anything more, and the waiters will be wheeling 80% of your main course off to the rubbish bin untouched. Pace yourself!
Main Course:
Rice: Any rice other than Pilau Rice is an universally accepted indication of Homosexuality, Pederasty and possible Frenchness. Order Pilau Rice.
Acceptable Main Course Dishes:
- Any Korma, Madras, Bhuna, Dopiaza or (if you like it hot) Jalfirezi is acceptable, unless it's King Prawn. If anyone tries to order King Prawn, remind them what happened to the guy who wanted to order "the hottest fUcking thing you've got"
- Saag Dishes are OK, as Popeye told us Spinach is good for you. And who's going to FUck with Popeye?
- Chicken Tikka Masala is officially the most popular dish in England. That doesn't alter the fact that it's plastic Shite for the tabloid reader. If you like that sort of thing, find a rough-sleeper and go down on him. You probably won't notice the difference.
Naan Bread
This, alas, is where many an Englishman lets the side down.
Firstly, don't **** about with the ponced up ones: Peshwari, Kulcha, Keema etc are strictly for Salesmen and puppy-molesters. Plain Naan is all you need to mop up the lovely goopyness of your chosen meal.
Secondly, don't order too many. It's a clear sign to waiters that you're an ignorant cUnt, and guaranteed to add a gobbet of Chef Moazzam's Saliva to your repast.
If you're lucky enough to find an establishment that serves a "table naan", go for it. A 4' x 2' loaf that covers the table and can communally be ripped up and devoured.
Please note that Naan bread is not just an accompaniment. If you're truly noble in the art of Curry Nights, it also serves as your cutlery (avoids orange fingernails the next day) and a convenient yet tasty napkin.
Dessert
Kulfi is acceptable if you're sharing it with a girlfriend. Anything else is just wrong. And besides, who needs dessert when they serve ice-cold pints of Lal Toofan?
Payment
Just before the end of the meal, step outside, scrape Mr "Nothing's too hot for me" off the pavement, kick him again, and bring him to the table.
Explain that he unsuccessfully attempted the "Death by Vindaloo" challenge and has to pay the agreed forfeit.
Smile at the waiters, point your 'friend' out to them, and leave quietly, making sure to weave from side to side as you aim for the doorway.
Voila! A truly civilised and worthwhile pastime, brought to you by Nobby.
Enjoy.
Edited, Nov 4th 2009 5:12pm by Nobby