I just snuck into the cute dispatch *****'s office while she was at the copy machine and ripped a giant egg burrito cloud. The air was wet with gaseous poison and made my eyes water as I dashed out back to my vantage point.
I bet she lubricates when she comes back into her office and smells my pheromones.
Totem
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I just cut oneFollow
You're all man, T.
What's bred in the bone will not out of the flesh.
I have to admit I just lubricated a bit in my pants.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Ha! She grabbed the nearest folder at hand and started waving it around to clear the air like she was swatting a swarm of bees coming for her!
Totem
Totem
It's men like you that personify the stereotype that men like me spend precious time trying to prove isn't true.
Totem wrote:
Ha! She grabbed the nearest folder at hand and started waving it around to clear the air like she was swatting a swarm of bees coming for her!
Totem
Totem
Roller the Charming wrote:
It's men like you that personify the stereotype that men like me spend precious time trying to prove isn't true.
Please. Like you bother to spend any time doing that.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Nope, I skeedaddled quick before she got a whiff of Eau d'Totem. She's asking around for guilty parties now...
And Roller? A man not farting in the workplace is either gay or named Bruce. Ok, that's an oxymoron, but you get the idea.
Totem
And Roller? A man not farting in the workplace is either gay or named Bruce. Ok, that's an oxymoron, but you get the idea.
Totem
Technically, it's a paradox. Oxymorons have to be two consecutive words.
Yes, I'm being pedantic again.
Yes, I'm being pedantic again.
This reminds me of the time when someone in my family one time farted into a jar, screwed the lid as tight down as they could get it and then asked me to open the jar. My eyes still water from that.A gasbomb that nasty must surely have left it's mark in your underpants.
I have sharted a few times in my day...
Totem
Totem
lol, its always fun to do that.
I let one rip in an elevator then turned to my mother in law and said "Mom"...Good times
Haha. I wish I could see the look on her face. Classic.
The Chicago Sun-Times has something to say about my behavior:
How not to commit office faux pas
Q. What about offensive office odors? Do we just have to suck it up?
A. If you're worried about upsetting a co-worker, you can always ask Human Resources to intervene. Of course, if the colleague finds out it was you who officially complained, things could get uncomfortable, and not just in an olfactory way.
If she called HR, I'd really let her have it. Everybody down! Incoming sniffy-snack!
Totem
How not to commit office faux pas
Q. What about offensive office odors? Do we just have to suck it up?
A. If you're worried about upsetting a co-worker, you can always ask Human Resources to intervene. Of course, if the colleague finds out it was you who officially complained, things could get uncomfortable, and not just in an olfactory way.
If she called HR, I'd really let her have it. Everybody down! Incoming sniffy-snack!
Totem
Totem wrote:
Q. What about offensive office odors? Do we just have to suck it up?
I will not be sucking up anybody's odor.
If I worked with Tot3m, I'd just always assume that any foul odor came from him and immediately spray him with my purse-sized Febreze.
Clearly you've just earned a bajillion man-points there, but wasn't the moment slightly marred by the absence of a quilt to hold her face under?
That REALLY shows 'em you care.
That REALLY shows 'em you care.
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
Very nice! Did you notice anyone walk into the copy room and accuse her?
Nobby wrote:
Clearly you've just earned a bajillion man-points there, but wasn't the moment slightly marred by the absence of a quilt to hold her face under?
That REALLY shows 'em you care.
That REALLY shows 'em you care.
Don't get any ideas!
I actually gave Mrs. Totem a hot box the other morning. As most of you know, I am a helicopter pilot. That involves working weird shifts where sometimes I sleep days and then rotate to nights. In this particular case I was back to a "normal" circadian rythym, where I went to bed with my bride at her behest, rather than keep with my odd nocturnal lifestyle wherein I type posts in the Asylum at 3 AM.
Anyhow, morning arrived and the alarm went off, after which she promptly hit the snooze button. And then she proceeded to do so thrice more. Well, this wasn't getting me any more sleep, so after a night of decent rest, I had one of my patented Banana Farts* locked and loaded. I quickly seized the blanket, threw it over her head, and pulled the trigger. My poodle shot off the bed like I had administered an electric shock to her nether region and my wife screamed and promptly punched me in the stomach-- although I suspect she was aiming for my balls, but had missed due to her eyes tearing up.
Serves her right. Nobody interrupts my sleep on a day off. Nobody.
Totem
*Banana Fart: A greasy sounding and foul smelling semi-gaseous defecetion that resembles the olfactory nuance of jungle fruit rotting in high humidity and buzzing with flies.
Edited, Tue Jun 6 14:32:50 2006 by Totem
Anyhow, morning arrived and the alarm went off, after which she promptly hit the snooze button. And then she proceeded to do so thrice more. Well, this wasn't getting me any more sleep, so after a night of decent rest, I had one of my patented Banana Farts* locked and loaded. I quickly seized the blanket, threw it over her head, and pulled the trigger. My poodle shot off the bed like I had administered an electric shock to her nether region and my wife screamed and promptly punched me in the stomach-- although I suspect she was aiming for my balls, but had missed due to her eyes tearing up.
Serves her right. Nobody interrupts my sleep on a day off. Nobody.
Totem
*Banana Fart: A greasy sounding and foul smelling semi-gaseous defecetion that resembles the olfactory nuance of jungle fruit rotting in high humidity and buzzing with flies.
Edited, Tue Jun 6 14:32:50 2006 by Totem
****, that's a regular day for me. My wife complains that everytime she rolls over to hold me while I'm sleeping my perimeter defence system deploys and floods the area behind me in deadly noxious fumes, thwarting any would-be assailants.
She has since learned to keep her space when I'm sleeping.
She has since learned to keep her space when I'm sleeping.
Thin walls can be entertaining sometimes.
When I was stationed in Florida, I lived with 3 other guys. We were all pretty good buddies, and got along well. One morning I got up and started doing my daily ritual of grooming and breaking fast. One room-mate, who was in retail and never had to get up early made a point to come greet me before I left for work. He said that when he got home the night before at around 1am he was just laying down to sleep (in the next bedroom from me) when he heard a rumble which sounded markedly like he imagined a tear in the fabric of existence might sound. A deep bass ripping noise which rattled his rib cage. Afterwards, in the silence, he heard me giggle softly in my sleep.
I informed him I had no such recollection of the event, but that I would proudly lay claim to that one.
When I was stationed in Florida, I lived with 3 other guys. We were all pretty good buddies, and got along well. One morning I got up and started doing my daily ritual of grooming and breaking fast. One room-mate, who was in retail and never had to get up early made a point to come greet me before I left for work. He said that when he got home the night before at around 1am he was just laying down to sleep (in the next bedroom from me) when he heard a rumble which sounded markedly like he imagined a tear in the fabric of existence might sound. A deep bass ripping noise which rattled his rib cage. Afterwards, in the silence, he heard me giggle softly in my sleep.
I informed him I had no such recollection of the event, but that I would proudly lay claim to that one.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
My girlfriend, bi[white][/white]tch that she is, farted on me while we were cuddling the other night. 
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
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