A man walks into his bedroom late one night carrying a sheep under his arm. His wife looks up at him, confused. The man says "See, this is the pig I have to fu[Aqua][/Aqua]ck every night."
His wife looks at him contemptuously and says "That's not a pig, that's a sheep."
The man replies "I wasn't talking to you."
- Forums
- Cross Site
- The Asylum
- Friday is joke day!
Friday is joke day!Follow
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
A man walks up to a pretty young thing trying to hail a cab in front of a popular nightclub. She is unsuccessful in her attempts because all of the cabs seem to be getting snatched up in quite a hurry. The man says to the girl "You seem frustrated, I'd be glad to assist you in return for only a kiss". The girl, rather desperate at this point and seeing that this man was rather handsome decides that this is a fair deal. She replies "I'll give you a kiss if you can manage to call me a taxi."
He replies, "Certianly!" "You are a taxi!"
Badum-ching!
He replies, "Certianly!" "You are a taxi!"
Badum-ching!
A journalist visits a woman to write a true-life story of her courage in selflessly decating herself to nursing her son as he dies from AIDS.
Asked to describe a typical day:
Mother: "Well I take him toast for breakfast, then a sandwich for his lunch. At dinnertime I take him pancakes and fo supper he has some crackers"
Journalist: "That's an unusual diet ma'am."
Mother: "Well it's all I can think of that fits under the door"
I thank you
Asked to describe a typical day:
Mother: "Well I take him toast for breakfast, then a sandwich for his lunch. At dinnertime I take him pancakes and fo supper he has some crackers"
Journalist: "That's an unusual diet ma'am."
Mother: "Well it's all I can think of that fits under the door"
I thank you
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
A newly wed couple goes back to their room to consecrate their marriage.
The woman says, "there's something I have to confess. This isn't the first time I've done this."
The man says, "In this day and age, that doesn't surprise me."
She says, "Well he was someone famous."
"Who?", he asks.
"Tiger Woods".
The man says, "Ok, I can see that. He's famous, rich, talented, and not bad looking."
So they do it. Afterwards the man get's up and goes to the hotel room phone. "What are you doing?", she asks. He says, "I thought I'd order some room service." She says, "That's not what Tiger Woods would do." So he asks, "Oh, what would Tiger Woods do?" She says, "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
So this little scenario plays itself out twice more when on the fourth time, she asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm calling Tiger Woods", he replies.
"What? Why are you calling Tiger Woods?" she asks.
He says, "I want to find out what's par for this damn hole."
The woman says, "there's something I have to confess. This isn't the first time I've done this."
The man says, "In this day and age, that doesn't surprise me."
She says, "Well he was someone famous."
"Who?", he asks.
"Tiger Woods".
The man says, "Ok, I can see that. He's famous, rich, talented, and not bad looking."
So they do it. Afterwards the man get's up and goes to the hotel room phone. "What are you doing?", she asks. He says, "I thought I'd order some room service." She says, "That's not what Tiger Woods would do." So he asks, "Oh, what would Tiger Woods do?" She says, "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
So this little scenario plays itself out twice more when on the fourth time, she asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm calling Tiger Woods", he replies.
"What? Why are you calling Tiger Woods?" she asks.
He says, "I want to find out what's par for this damn hole."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
10k before the site's inevitable death or bust
The World Is Not A Cold Dead Place.
The World Is Not A Cold Dead Place.
Alan Watts wrote:
I am omnipotent insofar as I am the Universe, but I am not an omnipotent in the role of Alan Watts, only cunning
Eske wrote:
I've always read Driftwood as the straight man in varus' double act. It helps if you read all of his posts in the voice of Droopy Dog.
Driftwood thought his joke was funny.
Bode - 100 Holy Paladin - Lightbringer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeepers temple, ***** it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull that trigger."
Edited, Fri May 26 17:05:40 2006 by Kaelesh
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeepers temple, ***** it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull that trigger."
Edited, Fri May 26 17:05:40 2006 by Kaelesh
I used to hate going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What did the blind and deaf kid get for Christmas?
Cancer!
Cancer!
Quote:
Driftwood thought his joke was funny.
Then again I'm a sucker for anything with the word ******* in it.
Recent Visitors: 240
All times are in CST
Anonymous Guests (240)
- Forums
- Cross Site
- The Asylum
- Friday is joke day!
© 2024 Fanbyte LLC