OK, so some friends of my buddy's come into town yesterday from Maine. We go out to a local sports bar, watch the Sox take a beating, have a couple beers, it's all good. Then my buddy mentions there's a Bikini contest with Hooters girls at some dive bar down the road from his house. We decide to make a drive-by, if it's not too packed we'll go in.
Already, this is a bad idea.
So we swing by, it's surprisingly dead in the parking lot. I mean, you advertise a bikini contest and there's pretty much guaranteed to be a sausage fest at the very least. We decide to get out and check it out real quick. We get to the door and there's a hastily written sign saying "Bikini contest cancelled"
The smart thing to do would be to jump back in the car and go home. However, if there's one thing my friends and I can never be accused of, it's having a plethora of intelligence.
One of them says "Well, we're here, we may as well go in and knock back one before we leave." At this point, I knew I was going to be miserable at work in the morning. So we head in and pull up to the bar, there's about 25 people there and some fat dude in a Zorro hat is running a karaoke machine at the front. The only hot chick in the bar is the bartender, who is nummy. Also, it's outside the city limits so they allow smoking inside, which immediately appeals to two of the guys I'm with.
We order a round and sit at a table fairly close to the stage. Several people take turns going up to strangle the cat, including one guy who only sang Sinatra tunes (badly), one chick who only sang tv show theme songs (badly), and another dude that insisted on pulling the most obscure songs out of the book that I've never heard (badly).
At this point, I think I got real close to bailing on my buddies and getting a good night's sleep. But then one of them, who we'll call Bruce, started hitting on this girl who was not the bartender. She was packing probably an extra 30 pounds, and she did not have a pretty face to at least make it forgivable. Bruce was smitten. I realized that I would be doing myself a disservice not to stick around and watch this train wreck unfold.
So slump-buster (the girl) was hanging with two obviously older women somewhere in their 40's. One of them is actually the second best-looking gal in the room, and the other turns out to be slump-buster's mom. The other guy from Maine, who we'll call Mark, plays the good friend role and starts running interference on the mom. They start playing pool together and he keeps her occupied while Bruce takes slump-buster to the bar for some shots.
Meanwhile, my other buddy and I are sitting back and chuckling over the whole affair, when two girls who just got done with their version of "Ice, Ice, baby" come over to begin flirting. Turns out they are sisters, one is the fat ugly one, and the other is the mostly skinny ugly one. They begin trying to convince us that we should get up on stage and perform for them.
Let me pause a moment and make this perfectly clear. If Salma Hyek and Alyssa Milano came up and asked me to sing karaoke, I would turn them down. I know my talents, and butchering songs on stage in front of complete strangers is not going to happen.
So we banter with the UT sisters (UT=ugly tree) just because there's nothing better to do. Meanwhile, Mark is getting wupped up on in pool by slump-buster's mom, and Bruce and slump buster are beginning to get fairly well in the bag up at the bar. By this time I've had twice my usual amount of beer, and starting to feel invincible. The third chick (the actually decent looking older one) comes by and asks me to play pool with her. As the game progresses it happens she's in the military. So Sarge starts beating me in pool while I oggle her butt.
The beer is flowing like the wine from Capistrani. Soon, it's midnight and Bruce leads slump-buster out to the parking lot for some action. The mom doesn't notice at first, as Mark is keeping her sufficiently occupied but as we all know, mom's have a sixth sense and she starts panicking cause her baby girl is missing. We all join in with interference, hoping at least Bruce is getting a BJ out of the deal. By this time we're all inebriated enough to start hitting on these older gals, and I get Sarge off to the side trying to convince her to "take a walk to clear our heads." Unfortunately, older women have experience, and she knew where I was going with that idea. She grabs my butt a few times, which I took as encouraging, but I don't get anywhere with her.
At about that time, Bruce comes back in. He's wearing everything that slump-buster had to drink for the last several hours on his pants. As the rest of us bust up laughing, mom and Sarge head out the door to go find slump-buster and take care of her. Bruce is so intoxicated he doesn't care that he's got vomit all over his jeans. We finally calm down enough to get the story, and apparently he did coax slump-buster to give him a BJ after some heavy making out and petting. They found a bench where she started doing the deed, when all those shots came back up on her and she didn't even have time to turn away before the projectile vomiting began. He jumped up and got away from her, zipped up and walked away.
The rest of us are laughing so hard that the bartender (hottie) comes over to see what's happening. She sees that Bruce is wearing vomit as an accessory, decides it's his, cuts him off and tells us it's time to go.
I get a cab home, woke up this morning bleary-eyed and probably still intoxicated, and have to bike to work cause my truck is up at the bar.
Thank Bob it's Friday. But there's a good chance another adventure will occur tonight, as it's one of the guy's birthday and we're going out again.