Then comes the cold sweat. I don't have any KY Warming Liquid. Crap.
I've been in similar situations before-- the wife is horny, but we are lacking something. By the time I run to get whatever it is, she's alseep or the mood has changed. No eff-ing chance I'm getting in the tricked out and dubbed Caddy Escalade and running to the store. The boy is gonna score tonight! So I say to her, "Why don't you retire to the bedroom while I get the KY Warming Liquid?" She giggles coquettishly and walks away dropping clothing and coyly looking back over her shoulder along the way. Schwinnng!
I go into the kitchen with the idea that I'm going to whip up some KY Warming Liquid substitute. I figure, how fricking hard can it be? We've got some Astroglide, but that tastes like... Astroglide. No way I'm doctoring that shit. Might as well swallow motor oil.
So I figure, what did the really old-skool people do, you know, like in Pompeii and Rome? Huh. Then it hits me! I grab some olive oil. It has to taste better than Astroglide, but what about the warming feature? I look around the kitchen and my eyes become fixed on a packet of South African Peri-Peri powder my friend in the Peace Corps sent to me. This stuff rocks, but I usually blend it with sour cream and eat it on something like a baked potato or perogies. Potato and perogies both begin with "P", so its got to be good to go on pussy, right?
When I get into the bedroom, the wife is nekkid but covered with a sheet. She's got one of those trashy novelettes going, which is cool with me, because its like foreplay I don't have to participate in. Besides, if Fabio is what turns her crank, who am I to complain? Double D starlets for me, viva l'difference! I come strolling in, set my saucer of "KY Warming Liquid" on the night stand, and slip between the sheets. I am sofa king cool.
Mrs. Totem knows what is about to happen, and she's a playa. I glide into position and start surveying the nether landscape. Good grooming! Mrs. Totem has always been meticulous about that. I dab my middle finger into the "warming liquid" and apply a liberal dose just above the the joy buzzer. I add a couple extra dollups just to make sure there is going to be a healthy warming effect, and then I settle in, neck bent at the traditional 90-degree angle to do some serious box munching.
About 20 seconds into the event, my tongue bursts into flames. It wasn't subtle. I suspect there was even smoke. It was a damn 5-alarm blaze! I backed off, and said, "I'm going to go get some water."
The wife was still all good, but wiggling a bit, so I dash off into the bathroom and start washing my mouth out with cold water. I even tried wiping my tongue off with a hand towel. No fricking relief. As Chris Berman would say, I'm en fuego! As I turn to run to the kitchen to get some ice, the wife appears with her eyes looking like this: O.O
She is clearly in some distress, and thinks perhaps going pee is going to solve the problem. No, not even close.
While I go running into the kitchen to get some ice, she starts splashing water on the gooch and screaming obscenities. At some point during this fiasco, she grabbed the towel that I wiped my tongue on and apparently transferred some Peri-Peri from my tongue to her eyes. Oh my goodness.
So she's screaming. Screaming like someone is attempting to murder her. I've got a mouth full of ice and I'm trying to apply the ice to her snatch, which she thinks is a good idea, except that she wants me dead at the same time. After a few minutes (a few solid thumps on the back of my skull), we are laying on the master bedroom floor with ice carefully positioned in various places. I can't talk because of the ice in my grill and the frozen tongue it gave me, but the OL is having no trouble explaining what she's feeling and who she thinks is responsible for it.
After about 45 minutes, the pain subsided. Either that or the vaginal tissue become partially frost-bit and stopped hurting. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you, but there was no sex time for ol' Totem that night. Actually, there was no sex time for the Alabama black snake for about two weeks.
So, have any of you bastards try the authentic "KY Warming Liquid"? I'll probably never know what it is like, but I'm interested in your impressions. And take my advice: Don't go with a Peri-Peri/Olive Oil substitute. Not good. Not good at all.
Totem
Type slower!!
