Linky, potentially NWS image as well
TAMPONS:
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"
Landover Ladies Vow to "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings!"
Ladies of Landover member Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines Crockett, visiting the Landover Christian Pharmacy recently to refill the church tract display, happened upon a shocking sight. A young woman was visibly upset and arguing loudly with pharmacist Emma Mae Martin. What Mrs. Crockett discovered next sickened her unto the point of nausea.
"The young woman was trying to buy tampons," Mrs. Crockett said, barely able to hold back tears. "I snatched that girl by the hair and pulled her outside... there were children present! Can you imagine how they'd be damaged by hearing such evil ideas?"
“I explained to this young lady that we do not carry such phallic devices as tampons and when attending to her monthly curse," Mrs. Martin said, adding that "Satan himself controls the manufacturing of those things." The young woman then began to verbally abuse her, she said.
"A Godly woman is only to use a Maxi-Pad," Mrs. Crockett stated. "Why, they even have them with little angel wings now! I handed her a box and told her unless she wanted my handprint across her face she was never to utter that evil T word again!†The as yet unidentified woman then fled the store in humiliation. Landover Security sketch artists are preparing a likeness to aid in identifying the young woman. Her salvation status is unknown, but based on this event, it is likely she is Hellbound.
"Toxic Shock Syndrome is God's way of punishing unsaved harlots who choose Satan’s cotton fingers over a Godly pad," Pastor Deacon Fred stated upon hearing of the event. "These playthings of Satan are created under the guise of a ladies hygiene product to bring unsuspecting women and young girls to the fold of the Devil."
Church members are commanded to talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their rooms if you have to. "Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor Wiley.
Mrs. Crockett has organized the Ladies of Landover Phone Bank to spread the word, and has called for both a letter writing protest campaign and a boycott on all stores who are found to carry these satanic sexual devices. Manufacturers who create such vile products will also be targeted for salvation, or, failing that, closure.
Mrs. Crockett has secured six 24-foot trucks for use in her new ministry, "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings." She and the other Ladies of Landover plan a nationwide tour, going city to city, pulling what she calls "The Devil's delight" from store shelves once clerks are distracted. Upon the ladies' return, Mrs. Crockett plans a large bonfire.
“We shall pray over the flames as we watch these evil devices go back to the fiery pits of hell from whence they came,†Mrs. Crockett said during her church news conference, adding, "these things are created by Satan for pleasure, and young women are succumbing to the Devil without even realizing it. This is one battle Satan will NOT win!" Her statements drew a standing ovation from the congregation.
All church members are encouraged to join in the BBQ and bring a covered dish as we celebrate yet another Victory over Satan. Marshmallows for roasting over the bonfire will be provided by The Ladies of Landover. Due to the nature of this event, the roasting of hot dogs will be prohibited for obvious reasons.
I am so going to hell
- Forums
- Cross Site
- The Asylum
- Women are not saved if they use Tampons!!!
Women are not saved if they use Tampons!!!Follow
Quote:
TAMPONS:
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"
Nice find.
Quote:
Manufacturers who create such vile products will also be targeted for salvation, or, failing that, closure.
Targeted for salvation. Red team go!
Edited, Sun Jan 29 17:15:38 2006 by allenjj
32 posts
How can-
Their intelligence must-
Where could they have-
You know, it's easier just to call them stupid.
-Pyro
Their intelligence must-
Where could they have-
You know, it's easier just to call them stupid.
-Pyro
Landover Baptist is an awesome parody site. Check out their reader mail...many many people think it's a real site.
What a disappointment we have to wait another 28 days for fun like this
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
The same people run www.whitehouse.org a political parody site.
Quote:
"Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings"
False. Tampons are not "Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!". They are, in fact, "Dracula's Favorite Tea Bags".
A teabagging by Dracula is, quite honestly, not on my top 10 list of things I would like to try before I stop cheating on my wife.
Why is it everytime I make a comment about vampires and their choice of warm beverages someone has to misrepresent it as something dirty?
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
Why is it everytime I make a comment about vampires and their choice of warm beverages someone has to misrepresent it as something dirty?
Using tampons as tea bags isn't dirty unto itself?
Quote:
Using tampons as tea bags isn't dirty unto itself?
/whoosh!
allenjj wrote:
Quote:
Using tampons as tea bags isn't dirty unto itself?
/whoosh!
Welcome to your first lesson of humor. This chapter is titled "Intentionally playing dumb, part 1."
There will be a test on ____day.
The bonus question on the test is: On what level is the Cow Level?
Althrun wrote:
Yes it was a whoosh, but I'll try to cover it up by pretending I was making a joke. I will fail miserably.
FTFY
DoubleJ wrote:
Althrun wrote:
Yes it was a whoosh, but I'll try to cover it up by pretending I was making a joke. I will fail miserably.
FTFY
Psst! Blarg! Dude, I think you may have been the only one to miss it, man.
allenjj wrote:
Althrun wrote:
Yes it was a whoosh, but I'll try to cover it up by pretending I was making a joke. I will fail miserably.
FTFY
Althrun the Silent wrote:
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
Why is it everytime I make a comment about vampires and their choice of warm beverages someone has to misrepresent it as something dirty?
Using tampons as tea bags isn't dirty unto itself?
Using dwarves for tea bagging is much worse.
How disappointing, I assumed this was going to be where Nadenu was finally going to extend me an invitation to be her tampon. In order to avoid her soul being eternally damned, and all.
Mistress Nadenu wrote:
Althrun the Silent wrote:
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
Why is it everytime I make a comment about vampires and their choice of warm beverages someone has to misrepresent it as something dirty?
Using tampons as tea bags isn't dirty unto itself?
Using dwarves for tea bagging is much worse.
Indeed. I mean, blood in your tea is one thing, but who would dirty their cup with dwarf flavor? Would taste like soot, unwashed facial hair, and excessive sweat.
No thanks.
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
How disappointing, I assumed this was going to be where Nadenu was finally going to extend me an invitation to be her tampon. In order to avoid her soul being eternally damned, and all.
A practical use for gnomes!
You are talking about WoW, right??
Nadenu wrote:
A practical use for gnomes!
You are talking about WoW, right??
You are talking about WoW, right??
Um, yeah, of course.
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
Nadenu wrote:
A practical use for gnomes!
You are talking about WoW, right??
You are talking about WoW, right??
Um, yeah, of course.
You know... For some reason as I was reading the whole thing, I kept automatically replacing the word "saved" with the word "shaved". It honestly read better though... ;)
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
Recent Visitors: 320
All times are in CST
Anonymous Guests (320)
- Forums
- Cross Site
- The Asylum
- Women are not saved if they use Tampons!!!
© 2024 Fanbyte LLC