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"Varus - The Movie" - A ToUtem ReviewFollow

#1 Jan 26 2006 at 4:51 PM Rating: Excellent
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I hadn't planned to go see this movie, but I'd just finished evacuating a family of colored refugees from a burning Pole-Dancing club, dropped them off at the "Charred Nigguz" home for frazzled jiggaboos and had a spare couple hours before I had to drop the whirlybird back at the "Allakhazam Action Heroes" Heliport.

As I passed above the Santa Monica Art Nouveau Subtitled Art-House Flick-Palace I noticed a convenient Capital 'H' on the roof so wtf.

So,

Popcorn and Gatorade in hand I settled down to enjoy the movie.

I'd seen the reviews:

  • "A chef-d'oeuvre of our zeit-geist" - Fox News
  • "I laughed until I stopped" - Stephen Hawking
  • "Fu[/i]ckin' Ace!" - Tony Blair
  • That'll be $200K in a brown envelope - thanks" - R 'D[i]ick' Cheney
  • "An overwhelming roller-coaster of a movie - It took me through every emotion possible and left me in tears" - Terry "Hulk" Hogan

  • Anywho

    The cinematography was a scintillation of post-Renoir autumnal shades - the Okrah patch was exactly how I'd imagined it, and the loving detail of the shack (down to every ham-fisted rivet in the moonshine still) made it all the more real.

    The casting had looked questionable, but once you're absorbed in the realism of the movie's 'look', it all makes sense.

    Gary Oldman's portrayal of Varus is a work of inspiration, genius, meister-werk and incontinence. From dungarees to gumboots, he 'was' Varus.

    Drew Barrimore wasn't the obvious choice to play "Teh Sheppard", but every slavering teeth-baring frame exudes rabid-dog (not surprising since it's been a feature of many of her recent performances). A great choice.

    The part of Al-Katie was always going to present a challenge, but whoever decided on Christopher Walken deserves an Oscar

    The "***-Raping" scene isn't for the squeamish, but in context, it was fitting to the mood of the film. The freeze-frames of Varus grimacing each time another phallus entered his ravaged and un-lubed fundament was disturbing at first, but the sensitive soft-focus treatment of him handing over the $5 bill to each of the perpetrators belied the apparent violence.

    If you want to see a film about a dumb, knuckle-dragging po' cracker being abused at his own behest, then this is for you (although it lacks the comedic value of "Schindler's List", the rip-roaring pace of "Pride and Prejudice" and the Special Effects that kept us applauding "Supersize me").

    In summary, this transcends the innate harmomization of our other-worldliness and made me want to touch myself in special places.

    Word


    Totem

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    #2 Jan 26 2006 at 4:59 PM Rating: Decent
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    Brilliant
    #3 Jan 26 2006 at 4:59 PM Rating: Good
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    Smiley: laugh

    Well done Nobster, well done.
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    #4 Jan 26 2006 at 5:51 PM Rating: Good
    Drama Nerdvana
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    I had a stand in role in this flick.

    I was the hand guiding the cross in the crucifix insertion scene. I hadn't trimmed my nails for like 2 months before hand. That 5$ was donated to the church.
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    #5 Jan 27 2006 at 1:56 PM Rating: Good
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    I would only land at a Allakhazam Heliport if it had a Vin Diesel pilot lounge. I have my standards, you know.

    Totem
    #6 Jan 27 2006 at 2:26 PM Rating: Decent
    Skelly Poker Since 2008
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    Smiley: laugh

    I thought the book was better.




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    #7 Jan 27 2006 at 5:43 PM Rating: Good
    Ministry of Silly Cnuts
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    Totem wrote:
    I would only land at a Allakhazam Heliport if it had a Vin Diesel pilot lounge.
    But you wouldn't be able to see the movie after being blinded by the glare from all the Aviator style mirror-shades.

    Just sayin'
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    #8 Jan 27 2006 at 7:15 PM Rating: Good
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    Precisely.

    ;)

    Totem
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