My wife got "the call" last night. Her ailing grandfather, one that has played the only real male role in her life, was in ICU with pnemonia and not doing well. Her poor grandmother has been sitting in the hospital, refusing to leave for 2 days now. The evil aunt that couldn't care less has suddenly had a change of heart and is now trying to play nice.
She is not allowed to see him for fear of getting him sicker.
How does one console in a period like this? Besides listening, holding, and wiping away tears, there is nothing I can say or do to put a positive spin on this.
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Finding comfort and consoling while dealing with deathFollow
Nope, those are the basics.
One thing that might help is to ask her to tell you stories about her grandfather. I find that's the most "useful" part of any grieving process - the time at the wake, or the funeral itself, or the gathering afterwards when people let down a little and tell funny, touching stories about the deceased.
One thing that might help is to ask her to tell you stories about her grandfather. I find that's the most "useful" part of any grieving process - the time at the wake, or the funeral itself, or the gathering afterwards when people let down a little and tell funny, touching stories about the deceased.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Just hug her a lot, don't get upset when she cries, tell her how much you love her and be prepared to deal with the occasional emotional outburst. What people need in times of change are touchstones. Just try to be what you have always been to her. You can't take the pain away, but you can help simplify her life by taking over tasks and chores that limit her time. Make her dinner, offer to drive her to see him, and don't be afraid to cry with her if you feel the need. I'm sorry that this had to happen, but it's also very symbolic.: Now you're the definitive male in her life.
Hugs and prayers to both of you.
Hugs and prayers to both of you.
Sorry to hear that Neph.
Offer conciliatory sex. It'll help take her mind off things.
Yep, I'm not good consoling people either.
Offer conciliatory sex. It'll help take her mind off things.
Yep, I'm not good consoling people either.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Remember when your cat Snowball died? Remember? Well, I guess what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get you a new jazz-man.
Samira and Flea pretty much got it. There's no positive spin to be had on it; all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen as she moves through her grief.
Samira and Flea pretty much got it. There's no positive spin to be had on it; all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen as she moves through her grief.
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
Quote:
How does one console in a period like this? Besides listening, holding, and wiping away tears, there is nothing I can say or do to put a positive spin on this.
You just answered your own questions right there. It is impossible to have the right thing to say or know the right thing to do. No one likes going through something likes this. Just be very responsive to her needs. Above all, cut her some slack. Like Flea said, she will be prone to emotional outbursts. Do not take anything she says during this time for more than face value.
I'm sorry to hear about this Neph. My prayers are with you and your wife.
Maybe she would like it if you comforted her by playing some soothing music?
I'm thinking that the beautiful comforting sounds of Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone", should do the trick.
Seriously though what Flea and Samira said should do it
Edited, Fri Jan 13 11:09:09 2006 by RedjedBlue
I'm thinking that the beautiful comforting sounds of Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone", should do the trick.
Seriously though what Flea and Samira said should do it
Edited, Fri Jan 13 11:09:09 2006 by RedjedBlue
Sorry to hear that, Neph. I could imagine what she's going though, I went through the same thing when my dad passed away.
Most you can do is be that shoulder for her to cry on. She might get a lonesome feeling overwhelm her from time to time, particularly if the impact of said person being gone "hits" her again at a later period.
A death when someone is THAT close to you takes a long time to heal, but the process is much quicker if you got someone there for you through the whole way.
I just thought of this:
If there is a positive spin to be had on this whole situation, it is the fact that in a few months you will be bringing a new life into this world. This will most likely help with the grieving process.
If there is a positive spin to be had on this whole situation, it is the fact that in a few months you will be bringing a new life into this world. This will most likely help with the grieving process.
Good point. Maybe suggest that the baby be named in honor of her grandfather (could be tricky if his name is truly horrid).
The other thing that no one has mentioned is that grief comes in waves. She'll be fine, coping beautifully, even happy; and then it'll hit her again and she'll be a mess. Just be ready for that, and patient with her when it happens.
Pregnancy hormones can't be making this any easier. She has my sympathy, as do you.
The other thing that no one has mentioned is that grief comes in waves. She'll be fine, coping beautifully, even happy; and then it'll hit her again and she'll be a mess. Just be ready for that, and patient with her when it happens.
Pregnancy hormones can't be making this any easier. She has my sympathy, as do you.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
NephthysWanderer the Charming wrote:
How does one console in a period like this? Besides listening, holding, and wiping away tears, there is nothing I can say or do to put a positive spin on this.
My SO just lost her grandfather a month ago. I don't think their relationship was as close. However, it was still difficult. That is prett much all you can do. One feels almost useless in situations like these.
Samira wrote:
The other thing that no one has mentioned is that grief comes in waves.
I wrote:
She might get a lonesome feeling overwhelm her from time to time, particularly if the impact of said person being gone "hits" her again at a later period.
Thanks for making me feel invisible, Samira.
It doesn't matter what kind of optimist you are - some things don't get a positive spin. Some things must simply be borne.
My condolences to your wife; losing my grandfather a few years back was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. He was in the ICU, too - went to the hospital for surgery due to a heart valve problem and had `complications`. It was the polite way to say that he suffered a stroke on the operating table. I had driven down from MD to FL to be there for the recovery and to do general well-wishing; I had no idea I would be there for his final days.
The Narrarator in Fight Club put it best; `I guess these things happen.`
If possible, take the wife to spend time with the grandmother. It's hard as hell being beside in the ICU, but its something you can do, and little things count.
The aunt requires cordiality, but not love. The old saying about tigers and their stripes is more than true, and odds are she'll be back to normal as soon as the crisis is past.
I wish you and your wife well, Neph. Sometimes all you can do is just be there. It sounds like you're doing your best.
My condolences to your wife; losing my grandfather a few years back was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. He was in the ICU, too - went to the hospital for surgery due to a heart valve problem and had `complications`. It was the polite way to say that he suffered a stroke on the operating table. I had driven down from MD to FL to be there for the recovery and to do general well-wishing; I had no idea I would be there for his final days.
The Narrarator in Fight Club put it best; `I guess these things happen.`
If possible, take the wife to spend time with the grandmother. It's hard as hell being beside in the ICU, but its something you can do, and little things count.
The aunt requires cordiality, but not love. The old saying about tigers and their stripes is more than true, and odds are she'll be back to normal as soon as the crisis is past.
I wish you and your wife well, Neph. Sometimes all you can do is just be there. It sounds like you're doing your best.
Our prayers and sympathy to you and yours, Neph.
Good advice from everyone here. Sometimes life will throw you curves, like death. These things must be endured and coped with as best as you can.
Men want to fix things and make things right. Well, women don't work that way and the advice already given is all that you can do. Again, be patient, loving and be there for her through her grief.
My wife's grandfather was the same - her only real male role model in her life. It was very hard for her, but she mourned and coped. She will always have the wonderful memories growing up with her grandfather. I'm sure your wife will do the same.
My personal way of coping is the comfort I find in knowing that my loved ones that have passed on are simply on the other side and watching over me. One day we will be together again when it's my time. I believe something is on the other side, be it heaven or simply the next step in my soul's journey.
Good advice from everyone here. Sometimes life will throw you curves, like death. These things must be endured and coped with as best as you can.
Men want to fix things and make things right. Well, women don't work that way and the advice already given is all that you can do. Again, be patient, loving and be there for her through her grief.
My wife's grandfather was the same - her only real male role model in her life. It was very hard for her, but she mourned and coped. She will always have the wonderful memories growing up with her grandfather. I'm sure your wife will do the same.
My personal way of coping is the comfort I find in knowing that my loved ones that have passed on are simply on the other side and watching over me. One day we will be together again when it's my time. I believe something is on the other side, be it heaven or simply the next step in my soul's journey.
'Lo, there do I see, the line of my people, back to the beginning, 'lo do they call to me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave...may live...forever.
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
My thoughts are with you and the Ms. I dont have anything else to add that Flea and Sam haven't touched on. Just be there for her, keep your presence and support known in little ways like you already are, and just be there to listen.
Best thing to do is be there for her.Tough times ahead for you and wife.Thoughts and prayers go out to you two
Quote:
Men want to fix things and make things right. Well, women don't work that way and the advice already given is all that you can do. Again, be patient, loving and be there for her through her grief.
Bingo. Do not try to solve anything. Do exactly what all the other Allafemmes have stated. Grief coupled with the pregnancy hormones are going to be swinging your wife from one end to the other on the spectrum of emotions. Just go along with the ride and agree with whatever she throws out at you.
Prayers and condolences to you, your wife and the rest of the family during this time.
Sir Exodus wrote:
Thanks for making me feel invisible, Samira.
There, there, Bunny Boy. Let it all out.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Ditto what everyone else said.
One more thing: Calling Bhodi a twatwaffle helps. Try it.
One word of advice. Do not try to tell her things that you think might make her feel better. You already said there's nothing you can say to fix her sorrow. That's very true.
I've lost a lot of people in my life over the years and in their akward attempt to be helpful, people have blurted out the oddest things to me about the death of a loved one. Really, there is nothing one needs to tell someone who is grieving. A hug and sympathetic look is enough.
Just be a shoulder. She has to go through this and like others have said, all she'll likely need from you is your presence and sympathy. Leave her alone when she needs to be left alone, too.
I've lost a lot of people in my life over the years and in their akward attempt to be helpful, people have blurted out the oddest things to me about the death of a loved one. Really, there is nothing one needs to tell someone who is grieving. A hug and sympathetic look is enough.
Just be a shoulder. She has to go through this and like others have said, all she'll likely need from you is your presence and sympathy. Leave her alone when she needs to be left alone, too.
Sorry to hear this, Neph. After you and your brother accepted me as your token brother with a drug problem the other night I feel I have a personal stake in your wellbeing, and am feeling a strange sensation... I think it's empathy.
Honestly, lots of good advice in this thread, just be there for her when she needs the shoulder, and be the doting spouse I'm sure you are.
Honestly, lots of good advice in this thread, just be there for her when she needs the shoulder, and be the doting spouse I'm sure you are.
Nephthys wrote:
How does one console in a period like this?
She's vulnerable and exposed.
Slip it in.
Timing is everything
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
It's going to go on for years. My mom lost her father last year and her mother 3 years ago and all it takes is to find a picture or a letter or a book they liked to bring all the memories and hurt back. It'll get easier, but it won't go away any time soon. Just don't be surprised by random crying for a while. You can also contact a local mortuary. They have grief-counceling material and videos and usualy numbers for councelors, if it comes to that.
The voice in my head which gleefully urges me to ********** in public speaks in the voice of Nobby.
Baron von Barkingturtle wrote:
Somehow my I hope I can overcome Nobby's eGag-reflex
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
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