So, Greg the lovesick internet dude is just one of many examples of people meeting on the internet. It's gotten to be a pretty common thing.
I just learned I may be losing one of my employees as she might be moving 1000 miles away to be with her internet honey.
At one time I would have thought internet-induced loveships were doomed, unhealthy and just plain weird.
But I'm not sure anymore.
A couple questions I've thought about:
- Does meeting someone, getting to know them, even getting VERY personal with them, without ever having met face to face strengthen a relationship or jeopardize it?
What's the future of internet socializing?
- Do people falsify, bend the truth or even just "make" an on-line personality that isn't, perhaps, really their true selves for online socializing?
Anybody ever loved and lost at internet relationships? Anybody meet and succeed via cable-connections?
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Alma wrote:
I lost my post
I met my husband on the internet. He lived in Kansas and I lived in California. He moved here 5 years ago and we've been married for 2.
At the time, the internet was about the only contact I had with the outside world. I was in an abusive marriage. He thankfully worked out of town during the week but weekends were a nightmare.
I joined a few online message board type sites and met my now husband. Our relationship was very casual at first. I was not always truthful with the people I talked to online but I had no plans to take it any further than online. It was simply an outlet for me.
When my marriage hit critical mass and I decided to leave, my now husband was there for me. Not as anything other than a friend, someone to talk to, and from there our relationship developed. We had a lot in common, we thought about things the same way, all that stuff.
As our relationship grew I became much more honest about myself. Eventually we began talking on the phone. We made plans to meet, which frankly scared the crap out of me.
From the minute he stepped off the plan I knew I had made the right decision, and so did he.
I know that we got very, very lucky. I know of many others who tried at an internet relationship and had it fail. I also know of others like me that succeeded - for example my sister. It can happen.
At the time, the internet was about the only contact I had with the outside world. I was in an abusive marriage. He thankfully worked out of town during the week but weekends were a nightmare.
I joined a few online message board type sites and met my now husband. Our relationship was very casual at first. I was not always truthful with the people I talked to online but I had no plans to take it any further than online. It was simply an outlet for me.
When my marriage hit critical mass and I decided to leave, my now husband was there for me. Not as anything other than a friend, someone to talk to, and from there our relationship developed. We had a lot in common, we thought about things the same way, all that stuff.
As our relationship grew I became much more honest about myself. Eventually we began talking on the phone. We made plans to meet, which frankly scared the crap out of me.
From the minute he stepped off the plan I knew I had made the right decision, and so did he.
I know that we got very, very lucky. I know of many others who tried at an internet relationship and had it fail. I also know of others like me that succeeded - for example my sister. It can happen.
I have watched a few of my friends crash and burn through their online relationships. But these same friends have crashed and burned in their relationships that began in real life too. I think it's a matter of maturity and clear communication at the inception of whenever and however the relationship is formed.
Online relationships are kind of like "blind dates." You still don't know what you're going to get yourself into until you meet face to face and get to know that person.
Online relationships are kind of like "blind dates." You still don't know what you're going to get yourself into until you meet face to face and get to know that person.
Is a year and 3 (going on 4) months count as a stable LD relationship? We're making time/$$ to try and see each other at least once a month (example: She left here on 1/2/06, I'm planning on going up there on 2/2/06-2/6/06), talk to each other every day for hours, play on FFXI (a pox on all you who hate FFXI) whenever we can so we have at least a little interactivity instead of a voice on the phone, and aside from sad departures when one of us has to go back, everything seems fine from my boat.
I think the key thing here, that a lot of these over-angsty-non-trusting people seem to do that sabotages their own relationships is they reach a point where they stop taking things at face value from people they've talked to for a long time. If she says she did something, I don't doubt it. If I say I did something, I believe she doesn't doubt it.
Total honest disclosure from minute 1 of a relationship will help make these things work.
But to a couple of questions at hand, here are my answers-
I think it's both- it strengthens the relationship at first because you're building one based on personality (be it truthful or not, but that will be addressed shortly), not just on looks and sex appeal as the initial attraction. Which, honestly, I feel is healthier in the starting up phase of a relationship, in the long run.
Now, this could be a bad thing if one or both ended up lying about certain things about themselves, so if/when the meet does happen, and you find out they lied, you can feel a strong bit of betrayal for opening up to them honestly and them not treating you the same way. Obviously, betrayals, no matter how small, are relationship killers.
So it depends on how truthful both sides are from the start. It has the potential to make a very good relationship, or the potential to be a nightmare.
Of course they do. This is the internet- you're posting on a forum that allows people to get away with saying shi[i][/i]t that they couldn't get away with elsewhere- where have you been?
I think the key thing here, that a lot of these over-angsty-non-trusting people seem to do that sabotages their own relationships is they reach a point where they stop taking things at face value from people they've talked to for a long time. If she says she did something, I don't doubt it. If I say I did something, I believe she doesn't doubt it.
Total honest disclosure from minute 1 of a relationship will help make these things work.
But to a couple of questions at hand, here are my answers-
Quote:
Does meeting someone, getting to know them, even getting VERY personal with them, without ever having met face to face strengthen a relationship or jeopardize it?
I think it's both- it strengthens the relationship at first because you're building one based on personality (be it truthful or not, but that will be addressed shortly), not just on looks and sex appeal as the initial attraction. Which, honestly, I feel is healthier in the starting up phase of a relationship, in the long run.
Now, this could be a bad thing if one or both ended up lying about certain things about themselves, so if/when the meet does happen, and you find out they lied, you can feel a strong bit of betrayal for opening up to them honestly and them not treating you the same way. Obviously, betrayals, no matter how small, are relationship killers.
So it depends on how truthful both sides are from the start. It has the potential to make a very good relationship, or the potential to be a nightmare.
Quote:
Do people falsify, bend the truth or even just "make" an on-line personality that isn't, perhaps, really their true selves for online socializing?
Of course they do. This is the internet- you're posting on a forum that allows people to get away with saying shi[i][/i]t that they couldn't get away with elsewhere- where have you been?
One of my friends met a woman online. I'm not sure if it was a dating service, random meeting, or what. Anyway, I thought it would crash and burn but next thing I knew she moved here from Canada and they were married. Now they have a kid and things seem to be fine with them. They seem to have a better relationship than a lot of married couples I know that met in more conventional ways.
Still though, I think this is the exception, not the rule.
Still though, I think this is the exception, not the rule.
I met my husband online. I wasn't looking, just goofing off in some local chat rooms. We've been together for 6.5 years, been married for 3 and we have a son.
I could never date anyone online because I know that you are all just fingments of my imagination. Real people DO NOT live in my computer.
At least that's what my shrink keeps telling me.
At least that's what my shrink keeps telling me.
Thumbelyna the Hand wrote:
I have watched a few of my friends crash and burn through their online relationships. But these same friends have crashed and burned in their relationships that began in real life too. I think it's a matter of maturity and clear communication at the inception of whenever and however the relationship is formed.
Online relationships are kind of like "blind dates." You still don't know what you're going to get yourself into until you meet face to face and get to know that person.
Online relationships are kind of like "blind dates." You still don't know what you're going to get yourself into until you meet face to face and get to know that person.
Exactly. Internet dating has only become a reality in the past 10 or so years. It is new and to some it is scary. A lot of people are still under the preception that only 40 year old loser virgins date over the web. The rules have changed and the field is open to all ages and walks of life.
When you are single, you and your single friends go to the bar and hope to either hook up for the night or find a future spouse. Why can't the web be used for the same thing? Is it too taboo and impersonal? Maybe for someone who avoids the web and chatting like the plague, it is strange.
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A lot of people are still under the preception that only 40 year old loser virgins date over the web.
How appropriate for my avatar!
Quote:
When you are single, you and your single friends go to the bar and hope to either hook up for the night or find a future spouse. Why can't the web be used for the same thing? Is it too taboo and impersonal? Maybe for someone who avoids the web and chatting like the plague, it is strange.
And usually, as it used to be in my case back in the day, I had no problem meeting girls in bars. Getting drunk and having sex before really knowing if we were really compatible, while fun for the moment, more often than not did not usually work out for long-term relationships.
After a few years of not going to bars, basically becoming a hermit, and tired of being alone, I decided to give online dating a try. So I got hooked into Match.com. You would not believe the huge amount of lonely folks out there trying to connect. I had a great time online dating dozens of women, but the first lady that ever contacted me won my heart over the other ladies I met online.
Funny thing, online dating is merely an update to a very old fashioned idea - Letter writing. It's really quite amazing how it worked out.
After a few e-mails passed back and forth, we met publicly at a Starbucks. We got to get to know each other further with a few more dates, and before you know it, we decided to only see each other.
We've been married for about 2 1/2 years now and have a wonderful relationship.
A cousin of mine, who had some bad relationships, decided to give Match.com a try after seeing our success. She met a wonderful guy and they married last Spring.
The key factors to Smoggy's success in online dating:
1. Find the courage to put yourself out there. You're not alone. If you are looking to have a meaningful relationship - for the love of Bob, be honest. Start that meaningful relationship off on the right foot.
2. Really take advantage of email/letter writing back and forth a little bit. I recommend it over a chat room or msg board or anything that is more immediate, where you can really goof up if not careful.
3. If things work out, start chatting on the phone. Both your pictures will be on the online service (you are better off doing this than not). Put a voice to the picture.
4. Don't rush into meeting people right away and don't expect each meeting to be "the one" - just get used to socializing again and have a fun time. If "the one" comes along, it will happen.
You'd be surprised how fast your social calendar will fill up. Take your time and get to know several folks with the same interests.
5. There will be dates that will not work out. Do not curl yourself up in a fetal position over it. Pick yourself back up and move on to the next.
6. Be cautious and safe - Meet only in public places - before spending any serious "alone-time" with the person, make sure your friends or relatives have a chance to meet the person. There are predators out there, so you have to use common sense about all this.
7. Finally, have a great time! It's actually very fun and it'll get your butt out of the house once in a while!
Edited, Mon Jan 9 15:30:12 2006 by Smoggy
Edited, Mon Jan 9 15:43:43 2006 by Smoggy
'Lo, there do I see, the line of my people, back to the beginning, 'lo do they call to me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave...may live...forever.
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
I'm amazed.
I never would have guessed that so many people are meeting through our personal little communication boxes these days.
It certainly beats the bar scene.
I never would have guessed that so many people are meeting through our personal little communication boxes these days.
It certainly beats the bar scene.
Alma wrote:
I lost my post
On that note, there are ways of making sure you never see/hear from people you don't like. Bad e-date? Block-list.
Can't do that after a drunken-grope-fest after a night at the pub.
Can't do that after a drunken-grope-fest after a night at the pub.
Here is something interesting. When I lived in Florida, I always saw banner ads for women in my area (Tallahassee) that were looking to meet men online.
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
Professor klyia wrote:
Here is something interesting. When I lived in Florida, I always saw banner ads for women in my area (Tallahassee) that were looking to meet men online.
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
OMG stalkers!
Mistress Nadenu wrote:
Professor klyia wrote:
Here is something interesting. When I lived in Florida, I always saw banner ads for women in my area (Tallahassee) that were looking to meet men online.
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
It now appears that these same women moved to Arkansas at the same time I did. To top it off, it appears that they actually moved to the same town that I did! What a coincidence!
OMG stalkers!
I met my wife online through a friend and she moved to Alaska from Florida in the middle of December to be with me. That was 3 years ago, we'll be married 2 years this spring. I think the not seeing someone face to face for a while can be good because you get involved in that persons personality rather than just staring at her boobs the whole date.
I bought my girlfriend online. We had a fight and she popped. I replaced her with a better one.
Kitca and I met chatting in the MN chatroom on AOL. Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up this spring.
The older I got, the fewer "new" people I was meeting. Same with my friends, so I wasn't meeting new people through them anymore either. The chatroom bunch had a weekly meet up at a local bar, which was actually pretty fun. It also meant we were dealing with less BS online because the regulars got to know each other in "real life".
While I agree with most of what Smoggy says, I disagree with this bit of advice:It's good to be cautious, but I think it's unnecessary to carry on a long term online/phone relationship before a face to face meeting. In fact I think that's a bad idea. I've seen too many people twisted up in knots over relationships that were essentially fantasy, as they had never spent meaningful time together. I've seen more "relationships" end after the first meeting than I can count. Meet the person as soon as is reasonable to see if you're compatible in the real world. In the end, that's what matters.
The older I got, the fewer "new" people I was meeting. Same with my friends, so I wasn't meeting new people through them anymore either. The chatroom bunch had a weekly meet up at a local bar, which was actually pretty fun. It also meant we were dealing with less BS online because the regulars got to know each other in "real life".
While I agree with most of what Smoggy says, I disagree with this bit of advice:
Quote:
4. Don't rush into meeting people right away
One of my cousins met his wife through Match.com. I thought it was funny because they tried to keep it under wraps, like it was something to be ashamed of.
I've dated several women I met online on Match.com and Yahoo! personals both. None of the relationships have worked out, but I think that little to do with how I met them. I will say this though: it's easier to tell if a woman has snakes in the head when you meet her in person than online. For every date that led to more dates, there was at least one where I thanked my lucky stars that I always make the opening date a 15 minute chat with coffee.
I've dated several women I met online on Match.com and Yahoo! personals both. None of the relationships have worked out, but I think that little to do with how I met them. I will say this though: it's easier to tell if a woman has snakes in the head when you meet her in person than online. For every date that led to more dates, there was at least one where I thanked my lucky stars that I always make the opening date a 15 minute chat with coffee.
I've known people for years who still managed to surprise me at times with personality 180s. It's all a crapshoot. You could meet a man through your sister that ends up being an abuser or a stalker, or you could meet him online. The best thing is to use your judgement and look for signs of a healthy vs. unhealthy individual, and to make sure you yourself are ready for a relationship and not just looking to ***** around. The rest is all just luck.
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Quote:
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4. Don't rush into meeting people right away
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It's good to be cautious, but I think it's unnecessary to carry on a long term online/phone relationship before a face to face meeting. In fact I think that's a bad idea. I've seen too many people twisted up in knots over relationships that were essentially fantasy, as they had never spent meaningful time together. I've seen more "relationships" end after the first meeting than I can count.
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4. Don't rush into meeting people right away
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It's good to be cautious, but I think it's unnecessary to carry on a long term online/phone relationship before a face to face meeting. In fact I think that's a bad idea. I've seen too many people twisted up in knots over relationships that were essentially fantasy, as they had never spent meaningful time together. I've seen more "relationships" end after the first meeting than I can count.
I do not disagree, however I would say that my statement of "right away" is fairly subjective. I meant in terms of - don't go out that night to hook up - take a day or two...not talking 3 weeks or or anything like that. Email corresponding for a week is certainly reasonable. If someone is dragging out the actual meeting for more than a week, I'd say it's just not gonna happen. But that's my personal preference, others might be more patient.
I think we're on the same page, per your quote here:
Quote:
Meet the person as soon as is reasonable to see if you're compatible in the real world. In the end, that's what matters.
Again, reasonable is subjective, but I think we agree that "reasonable" is key to whatever the potential daters feel comfortable with.
'Lo, there do I see, the line of my people, back to the beginning, 'lo do they call to me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave...may live...forever.
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
X-Box 360 Gamer Tag - Smogster
Quote:
If someone is dragging out the actual meeting for more than a week, I'd say it's just not gonna happen.
Duke Youshutup wrote:
They've been married for 3 years, and met their little baby girl online in August. Takes all sorts I guess.
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left" - Seasick Steve
Mr.Katie and I met online. We will be married 2 years on the 30th. We both had yahoo profiles and he did a search for women in the area, liked my profile and started emailing me. After a several emails and a few chats I gave him my cell phone number. After a few chats he convinced me to meet him at a near by popular walking track mid afternoonish so I would feel more comfortable. It's been great and he's amazing. We would never have met other wise and my life will never be the same.
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