Is that considered cheating? How should I feel? What to do?Follow

Whenever I start a new thread, words flow easily from my mind, and onto the keyboard. But this must be the most difficult thread to ever be started .....

On Nov24th, 2004, I was playing on yahoo pool. And I join this lady's table.

We talk, and it turns out that she's a psychologist from Holland. We talk a bit more, and something takes over me. I'm no online rookie, I've seen it all. But in this case, I couldn't stop myself from doing everything I can, to have her, something took over my being. She seemed so perfect, so right.

As it turns out she's not a regular "onlinee", as in : not an online ****. She sends her pictures, I send mine. She's one scandinavian hottie. My heart beats faster as I remember that day (I know I know, just bear with me).

She's so intelligent, mature, sacrificing, romantic, honest, fun, beautiful and sizzlingly sexy. It was the woman of my dreams + some more traits I didn't even know I'd love about a woman + a little more.

Somehow we slip into this crazy lovestory taken right out of fairytales. We both want it. It was just a few days after we first started chatting, that long-distance phone calls last for hours.

She was taken. She had been in a long-term relationship for 5 years. It was dragging. And I guess she needed the right "incentive" to dump the guy. I stressed that she should hang on till I come over (I had bought the ticket and organized the trip about 3-4 weeks after the initial pool game). That it might be just a spur of the moment. That we might not be right for eachother.

She said that even if we don't work out, meeting me (online) has shown her what love is all about, and what a true relationship should be ...etc. And she decides to dump that guy.

A little drama ensues, he begs her to stay and ignore me for a while to "wake up", but she says that she can't bear sleeping under the same roof with him anymore (they lived together). He was planning on proposing to her on her birthday (as he said later on) which was about 10 days after we first met online.

She dumps him. Goes to her parents' place for 10 days. And the lovestory is more intense than ever. She cried everytime we spoke. We chatted for days. It took over my life and hers. Then she went back to the flat (his flat) and picked up her stuff hurriedly and he was out of her life.

My trip didn't work out. So I bought her a ticket to Dubai (United Arab Emirates) to come to me. And she arrived on New Year's Eve.

Time out: Just to recap: She dumped someone she had knew (and loved) for 5 years, for me, someone she only knew online. She -in return- had to leave her job, the security "financial and what not" , and even the city, and start allover somewhere else, just for me. And now she was travelling to the Middle East, alone, to meet someone she has only known for a little over a month online/phone.

It was magical, almost surreal in nature ... we spent a week from Heaven. Both of us were so overwhelmed that -believe it or not- sex seemed to hot for us to handle...

Fast forward>>>>>>

It's the 9th of Jan 2006. She has visited me in the UAE for 4 times now. Things are going great. I love her more than ever, and so does she. We both agree that a long distance relationship can't work anymore. I suggest that she would come here, to an Arab Muslim country, to work, so we'd be together. She agrees, although she's the type that hates change (believe it or not). I find her a suitable job with a good pay, and now she's arriving on the 13th, to start working on the 14th.

All is great....

Except......

I was sitting two days ago with a friend (IT programmer and off-time hacker/cracker), and we were joking about my (and his) past when it came to online girls. How many thongs we got girls to send by mail, how many we got to strip on cam ...etc (I'm being totally honest and not necessarily politically correct, so skip the holier-than-thou lecturing)

And so he asks me if I'm curious about my own girl's online past. And I tell him that -like any man- yeah, I'd love to know every little thing about my love. Yet I already knew all the details, and asked her about her online/RL friends/bfs ...etc. So I didn't think anything was worth seeing.

The friend seems persistent : "Well wouldn't it be great to see what she said about you to her friends? Her secrets?"

My reply (with a smile) : "Well if she opens her e-mail and tells me to read, or if her e-mails drop right in my lap, I won't throw them away, but I won't pursue it, and I respect her private life, plus, whatever happened before I met her is the past"

I guess the guy was showing how much of a good friend he is, when he somehow breaks her password, and forwards all of her e-mail archive to my account.

When I opened my e-mail and realized what he had done (he didn't change the password and she'd have no way of ever knowing, but yet -->) I was annoyed at his juvenile nature.

Like I expected, nothing was "juicy" there, and I was thankful. But towards the end, there was a string of e-mails exchanged between her and her "special friend" online, some indian guy which studies in the US. I had chatted with the guy once, and didn't feel comfortable about him one bit. So I couldn't resist my curiousity.

As I expected, the guy has a huge crush on her, masked by the "friend" disguise (only guys can identify that for some reason). But that's besides the point.

In an e-mail sent by her, to him, dated the 17th of Dec (a little more than 3 weeks into the relationship, right when emotions were at their peak and I was packing for Holland, and she had already left for her parents, before going back and dumping him officially and watching him cry/beg ..etc)....

I'll quote the e-mail:

"> I was at my parent's house for 9 days or so and then
> went and spent the weekend (three days, three
> nights) with Rich. It felt nice, familiar. He was
> sweet.... trying his best to show me what it would
> be like if I decided to stay with him. It's hard to
> explain, I know it all seems sudden but it isn't
> that sudden really. I just realized that things
> weren't the way I want them to be.... and hadn't
> been for a long time. Falling for a guy online was
> just the last straw that made me wake up and say:
> something is wrong, I can't go on with Rich like
> this.
>
> He's a wonderful and sweet guy, he really loves me
> and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but
> it also turned out he was hiding his true feelings
> for me for a long time. It was such a long time ago
> we actually cuddled and were intimate, had a really
> good talk (and I'm not just talking abt sex, we had
> that, but not being really intimate without).

Six years
> is a long time and I can't imagine my life without
> him, he's my friend, my buddy, my partner, but
> that's not a reason to stay with him for life. Nore
> is it not wanting to hurt him. It will hurt me
> deeply if I leave, it will mean a totally different
> life for me, starting over in many ways, I'm
> terrified to be frank..."

I realize that it's a private e-mail, and I'm thankful that both me, and her are anonymous. But this is driving me crazy, and I want to know if I'm being irrationally sensitive.

In my version of "history" she had made up her mind a few days after talking to me, couldn't even look at him (I had specifically asked her if he tried to have sex with her and she said that he did, but she turned him back) and then left for her parents, to pick her stuff 9-10 days later and leave for Dubai.

Yet as her e-mail shows, she actually -right inbetween our fervently emotional phone calls and sleepless nights- spent three days and three nights of cuddling/sex ...etc. And worse yet, she doesn't feel guilty about it, she doesn;t sound like it in the e-mail.

Does this count as cheating? We had already uttered the magical "I love you forever" words and he was already history as far as both of us were concerned (or so she made it seem).

How should I feel? Did she cheat on me? Did she have sex with him out of pity? (she doesnt sound like it) Was she still confused at that point? How should I react? How would YOU react?

Needless to say, I still love her. But I'm hurt. And I can't confront her about this e-mail (I will if it boils down to something that will hinder our relationship).

She left everything and turned her life upside down for me, and now she's a few days away from leaving her whole country to a complete alien one for me ....

I need opinions... advice. Please.

I cannot be of help, but I would caution you strongly to be very careful about any advice you accept from here.

Do not let people here tell you wha tto feel or think about the situation; assess your own emotions.

So what do you suggest? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I dont think this email necessarily means she had sex with him during those 3 days and nights. Take the following from the email:



When I originally read this, I took it to mean that during the time before she went to her parents, they had been drifting apart. During this drifting apart, they still had sex but she did not feel an intimate connection to him. The 3 days after she left for her parents were the first time she had felt an intimitate connection to him for a long time. When she says "I'm not just talking abt sex, we had that" she mean they had been having sex up until the point when she left but there was no connection.

I'm not saying my interpretation is necessarily correct, but what I am saying is:

1) I had no reason not to trust this woman and when I read this part of the message it did not even occur to me that she might have had sex with him during the 3 days. After your friend had already planted doubt in your mind and convinced you to snoop, you were fearing the worst and assumed the worst.

2) My interpretation is perfectly valid even if not correct. This means you are jumping to conclusions without really knowing what the hell you are talking about. There is no way you can know from the email above what really happened when. The conversation you quoted does not make it clear at all when the alleged sex happened.

I can't offer any advice really, but I hope this makes you look at the situation in a different way.

I doubt you will ever know without asking her. This fragment:



Is not a well formed English sentence and any meaning that can be taken from it in relation to the surrounding text is heavily influenced by the reader's bias.

I think this just comes down to whether or not you trust her, and only you can answer that.

This will be my last reply tonight because I'm not sure that I'm helping and I don't have anything else to add really. I'll check back in the morning

You are way over-analyzing this. You are starting to leave out important parts of her message and twist it into a reason not to trust her.

Example:





Notice, in your head you jump straight from what they did in the 3 days to the fact that they had sex.

In what she actually wrote, she discusses what happened in the 3 days and then goes on to talk about what she used to have with him a long time ago. The part that mentions having sex with him is attached to the discussion about the distant past.

No one here can tell you what really happened from reading this email. It is just not clear.

I get the feeling you are looking for a reason not to trust her.

Show us her bewbs!

It's even numbered that means it's important.

The first year of any relationship is the grace period anyway, and one would be free to sleep with one's ex or anyone else for that matter, as long as feelings stay out of the equation.




What she said.

I'd back WAY off for awhile. See if the break up with this other guy sticks. Wait another year after that with no serious commitment and then see what happens.

1 YEAR.

Are you fu[/i]cking kidding me? Break up with her immediately. You aren't ready for a healthy relationship. In case you need that translated: Killing yourself or threatening bodily harm is never an appropriate reaction to a breakup. It means you're a puss and you need to toughen up before some foreign waif breaks you.

Quote:

She's a highly educated person with very very few "male" encounters, and with wealthy/classy background. I trust her judgment.

Well, it certainly sounds like it. The fact that you refused to look at her emails when they were offered to you....oh. Wait...

Quote:

Yet I don't know why she did this, and what it indicates, and if I'm entitled to feel hurt/cheated.

If she had sex with her boyfriend, then no. Technically you were the other man, so all you're entitled to feel is stupid when she does the same thing to you with this indian guy.

Quote:

Allegory: Thanks for the advice, but I'm mature enough not to take everything said here to the heart, I expect people here to come in and say :"Dump the *****!" or "How could you? After all she's done? To even begin to blame her? ...etc" But I do need to talk about this.... anonymously.

Excellent. Take this: If you want complete and total disclosure, be prepared for a whole lot of crap you don't want to know and will make you insecure or hurt you. Make sure you ask about how she had oral sex with her ex, and if it was the same as it is with you. Have her compare your penises on a chart. Ask her if, at the peak of her emotion for him, she loved him more than you. Then proceed to cry and feel upset about all kinds of decisions she took back when you were either nonexistent or a pinpoint of a possibility in her life. If you haven't noticed, it's not a good thing that this Indian guy knows more about her from just meeting her online (and knowing her for less time)than you do. Why don't you try to cultivate honesty and closeness instead, and maybe in time you won't have to hack into her email to get your questions answered. You won't know if she's telling the truth, but then again, that's a risk anyone in a relationship takes.

You did this to yourself. Now suck it up and get on with this train wreck of a relationship.

[i]Edited, Tue Jan 10 14:19:16 2006 by Atomicflea

This is exactly why I admire you. You always say it straight whereas I try to put it on a nice spin.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not apologizing for the sentiment, but the redundancy.