King Kong Review...By Yours TrulyFollow

Yesterday, I'm sitting on my couch, watching TV. My mom walks in and reminds me I'm going to a basketball game today. I go pick up my friend Colby and we go to the basketball game.

My mom picks me up from the game and tells us that she bought 4 tickets to go see "King Kong" tonight at 8:30.

First thought?

"GAAAYYYY."

"That sounds gay," is what I told her. She looked at me and said "Well you can either go to a movie or sit at home and watch TV." By process of elimination I discovered that I had already done the latter for a better part of my day. So I decided we'd go to the movie.

My mom was hell-bent on getting there an hour early because it was supposedly sold-out and we needed to get there early so we could get our seats. Needless to say, we were the only ones in the theater until 8:15.

Now to the movie.

First of all, King Kong doesn't even fu[/u]cking show up until 10 days into the movie. Yes, I said days. The first week of the movie is this insane movie producer, (played by Jack Black) who reminds me eerily of Brian Peppers, trying to get a movie deal funded. He needs money to boat his cast, crew, and equipment across the damn ocean to an undiscovered island.

Yyyyeeeaaahhhh...

So when he can't get his movie funded, he flees and gets a boat ready to leave anyways. On the way to the ship he bumps into a girl who's acting career has spiraled downward. She is about to take a job at a Burlesque Show when Jack Black convinces this dumb bi[/u]tch to sail with him to an uncharted island so she can be in some second rate low budget movie.

So they are all on the boat, getting ready for departure when the writer for the film gives the producer (his name is Carl, by the way) a 12-page script. Carl offers to pay him now instead of after the film. So the writer (named Jack, yeah now your going to be confused) asks for the check. Carl acts like a complete *** and forgets how to write a check and by the time the check is written the boat has left. So now he's stuck.

They sail for like 5 years and get stuck in a heavy fog. Just as the fog is thinning out the lookout boy sees a huge rock wall. They drill it, and start weaving through rock after rock until they get wedged on a big rock. Being the dumbasses they are, they take a couple paddle boats to the shore of this island and decide to "explore."

They find an abondoned ancient village, and everyone has the sh[/u]it scared out of them. All of a sudden this little black girl appears out of nowhere and just stares at them all. Carl, keeping his cool, offers the creepy bi[/u]tch some chocolate.

That would **** any black person off. Carl should know by now (assuming its the 1950-60's like the movie portrays) that Jamaal wants fried chicken and watermelon.

Well anyways, the little black girl flips. She starts biting Carl and jumping on him before she runs back to another creepy old black lady. Then they look around and notice theres a whole TRIBE of these people.

Of course, they all flip out too. They start sacrificing people left and right and one dude gets impaled with a spear.

Just as Carl is about to get royally pwned by Marcus Jamaal Rasheed Jackson, the rest of the crew from the boat comes to the rescue and guns the black crew down.

So they all run back to the boat, but just as they are about to leave they realize that the stripper girl (Amy) got captured. So they turn around and go back to the island.

The black people are all dancing and they keep showing close ups of them which scared the hell out of me because they all looked like they were having convulsiouns because their eyes were rolled back in their heads half of the time.

So the black people offer the girl as a sacrifice to King Kong. After a year and a half of sitting in the theater watching this "movie" you actually get to see the damn monkey.

The next week of the movie is spent following King Kong, swinging through the jungle, battling beasts that all seem to want to fu[/u]ck this girl as bad as the mighty Kong because he has Dinosaurs, Bats, and god knows what else chasing him down for this chick.

The group with Carl and Jack is going through the jungle trying to find this girl and they go through hell and back. Half of thier people are stampeded by Brontosaurus and Raptors. Some are killed from giant bugs. And one is even eaten alive by giant worms.

Fast forward through the decade long jungle scenes. Jack (the movie writer guy who has fallen in love with Amy) finally takes her away from King Kong and they run through the jungle back to thier boat.

Kong chases them down and just as he is about to get them, someone hucks a bottle of Chloroform at him and he passes out. They take him on the boat back to New York and have him shown at a show in theaters, live. He sees Amy and flips out, kills a buttload of people and sees Jack, the guy who took Amy away from him.

So he's chasing Jack when he runs into Amy and takes her to the top of the Empire State Building. Blah blah blah about 20 years worth of this movie is watching this 25-foot ape get bombarded by bullets atop the biggest building in the world (at that time.)

He finally gets killed, falls to the streets below, and the movie ends.

Beware that if you actually do go see this movie, you may leave the theater believing that it is still that same night. But when in fact I left this movie 30 years in the future.

Yes in 2035, Tom Cruise is still extremley *****.

Love,

Reeve

                                     ↓His opinion is ****.↓

I'll wait for the DVD.

I think the movie should have started when King Kong showed up. The first half sucked.

So the OP had the attention span to write a thousand word joke review on the movie, but thought the movie was too long?

The movie was good; cutting any part would have worsened the film.

I posted in another movie thread some time back (I think it was about the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) about how sorely pissed off I am at the lack of imagination of movie producers this year. Some 90% of all of the big movies that have come out are simply re-hashings of old ideas.

I think of the new King Kong movie as the pinnacle of this annoying trend. I don't intend to see it, whether or not the reviews it gets turn out to be good. Because I think it's an aburdly stupid plagarism of a movie that wasn't all too good in the first place (though perhaps you had to see it back when it was first released to really get the full effect).

It's a shame, but I don't see this trend stopping any time soon, either. There are still plenty of untapped resources out there for these copycats, and there's a guaranteed audience of people who liked the original versions of any of them.

When they make Citizen Kane II: Revenge of Rosebud, I'm gonna just find the nearest living thing and kill it.