'Allah Potter and the GFY of DestinyFollow

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'Allah Potter and the GFY of Destiny


Dramatis Personae

Allabus Dumblefunt: Headmaster of Hogsylum
AegisGrid: Master of Magical Goats
Sirius ToUtem: 'Allah's uncle and expert in Ebonic Encantations
Jophiel Fudge: Minister of Magic
DSD: Mistress of Potions
'Allah 'Youshutup' Potter: An apprentice Wizard, and sole survivor of "He who Must Not be Rated Up"
Katarita Skeeter: An journalist
Severus Nobby: Master of Defence against Teh Ghey arts
Saboruto: The Fisting Hat
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Redheaded Friend of 'Allah
Hermionedenu: 'Allah's hawt jailbait classmate
ProofsockCCXXVII Malfoy: Nasty-assed class-mate of 'Allah
Kaolian: Caretaker at Hogsylum
Flea'Lo: A ghost
Debalic: A misprint
Yanari: A Mistress of Divination
Patrician: Hogsylum's School Bully
Bodhi: An House Elf
Pikko Pots: Judo Chopp - the object of 'allah Potter's desire
TheDave: Austin Powers - an accidental movie crossover
Sir Weebs: Nearly D[/i]ickless Nick - the school ghost trucker
Elderon: A wand


Act I Scene i

Outside of Hogsylum School of Magical Wizardry.
A train stands at the station platform. A cool breeze wafts the ceremonial gowns of the huddled students, and in the distance, a chorus of Owls fills the night air.
Students swarm from the train, each clutching cages, hutches and other animal containers.

'Allah Potter: Well! Another term at Hogsylum! I'm so excited!
Hermionedenu:Oh 'Allah! You're such a hunk!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Oh Shut Up Potter!
'Allah Potter: No, You shut up
Kelvyquayo Weasley: No, You shut up!

(Rinse and repeat)

A gust wafts a billow of dead leaves across the platform and a dark figure looms above the students.

AegisGrid (for it is he) stands four-square, his bearded face glowering down upon the spotty faces of the shivering students.
A Goat limps by his side on a silken leash, its loins red-raw.

AegisGrid:'Allah Potter!!!
'Allah Potter:y-y-y-yes Aegisgrid?
AegisGrid: You're a Wizard 'Allah
'Allah Potter:Oh sh[i]it! Now I'll never get a group in Paludal Caverns!
AegisGrid: Never you mind that young 'allah. We have work to do!
'Allah 'Youshutup' Potter:What sort of work Aegisgrid?
AegisGrid: All in good time young sir. All in good time.

AegisGrid turns on his heels and walks toward the waiting carriages, the goat limping painfully behind him.


Act I Scene ii

The common room of GFYndor house. Students are lounging on sofas and armchairs listening to the sound of a fire crackling in the hearth, and the occasional hoot of an owl.

Kelvyquayo Weasley: What d'you think Aegisgrid wants with 'Allah?
Hermionedenu: I've no idea honey pah. Wha ah'm sure there must be some explanaytion
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Hermionedenu?
Hermionedenu: Yayass?
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Why are you speaking in that Scarlett O'Hara voice?
Hermionedenu: Wha ah'm sure Ah hayav no idea!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Whatever.
Hermionedenu: Ooh look! Here comes that scumbag Proofsock Malfoy!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: What's he doing in the GFYndor common room? He's not in our House! He's in MooglePuff!
Hermionedenu: Let's ask him

Proofsock Malfoy: Morning, trash!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: GFY n00b!
Proofsock Malfoy: Who're you calling a n00b? Mudblood!

The room falls silent. Even the owls are frozen in horror.

Hermionedenu: Shouldn't you be back in your own common room? Raping baby kittens or something?
Proofsock Malfoy: Good thinking!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Hermionednu! Don't feed the funting Trolls!

Proofsock Malfoy storms out of the room, his cape billowing like a great billowing thing.
As he leaves, all the portraist step back from theirt frames pinching their noses in anticipation.
Proofsock steps out through the door letting off a sickening, rattling fart.

Proofsock Malfoy: So long, Losers!

As the door closes behind him, whispers fill the room as the students discuss Proofsock's use of the word 'Mudblood'.

The door bursts open again, and a flambouyant figure strides into the room. Decked in a silk cape and top hat, he taps a silver-tipped cane as he walks and lowers his face to smell the rose pinned in his buttonhole.

Patrician: What ho plebs!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Oh fu[/i]ck.
Patrician: Did you say something, you loathsome little oik?
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Yeah, I did. ESAD you camp ****.
Patrician: ESAD? Does one kiss one's Mama with those lips?
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Your Mom!
[i](Kelvy sni[i]ggers behind his hand)[/i]

With a flourish, Patrician draws his wand from the folds of his cape.

Patrician: EXPULSO FLATULENTA!
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Yeah Yeah. Magic Schmagic.

Patrician smiles to himself and sits on the sofa next to Hermionedenu. He lazily places an arm around her shoulder, just as Kelvy's **** explodes into a crescendo of noise.

Kelvyquayo Weasley: Y'*******!

Patrician and Hermionedenu smirk as Kelvy's fart takes on a tuneful tone. Soon, it is recognisable as a medley of ghey disco classics, starting with 'YMCA' and 'Living the Vida Loca'.

Patrician: Think yourself lucky I didn't add the dance moves to that spell, you sordid Ginger cnut.
Hermionedenu: Oh Pat! You're so. . . so. . .
Patrician: Well hung?
Hermionedenu blushes and playfully slaps Pat on the Monkey Codpiece.
Hermionedenu: Well, yayas!

Just as Pat's hand strays to the front of Hermionedenu's blouse, a small smelly thing leaps onto his lap.

Bhodi: Master! Master! You must come quickly! Bhodi has seen most wicked things master!
Patrician: What is it this time? Not another gbaji rape allegation?
Bhodi: No master. Bhodi has seen a dark figure leaving Allabus Dumblefunt's office.
Patrician: So?
Bhodi: Well master, he had the Fisting Hat in one hand. . .
Patrician: Saboruto?
Bhodi: Aye master! And in the other hand he held. . . Oh Master! Bhodi cannot say it.
Patrician: Out with it Bhod.
Bhodi: Well master, he was carrying. . . An X-Box 360!
Patrician: WTF!


Act I Scene iii

A corridor in the East Wing of Hogsylum.
A wizened hunched figure sneaks from pillar to pillar, a storm lantern held above his head.

Kaolian: Come out of there, whoever you are. Kao can track you down you know! Don't make me announce your IP.

A shuffling sound comes from a dark doorway.

Kaolian: Drac? Datchoo?

As he slowly approaches the doorway, the flame of his lantern flickers briefly, then dies.

Kaolian: Wh-Wh-Who IS this?

From within the shadows a row of white teeth emerge.

Sirius ToUtem: 'Sup homes?
Kaolian: ToUtem! I nearly shat meself then!
Sirius ToUtem: Chill my li'l white friend
Kaolian: ToUtem! What are you doing here? I thought you'd been imprisoned in FFXIzkhaban!
Sirius ToUtem: Nutt'n a li'l Black Magic couldn't fix.
ToUtem chuckles to himself.
Kaolian: And what brings you to Hogsylum?
Sirius ToUtem: Jus' a li'l bid'ness fo Massa Dumblefunt. Ain't no need to say you's seen me.
Kaolian: Okay. But don't think I won't check with Professor Dumblefunt.
Sirius ToUtem: Sure, sure. Always was a snitching li'l honky, wasn't ya!
Kaolian: Cnut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act II Scene i

Severus Nobby is standing in front of the "Defence against teh Ghey Arts" class. Pupils are scratching on parchments with quill pens, hardly daring to look up for fear of one of Nobby's scowls.

Nobby leans forward, resting his knuckles on the desk. With a world-weary tone, he addresses the class.

Severus Nobby: Stop writing!
Pikko Potts: But sir. . .
Severus Nobby: Silence Potts!
Pikko Potts: But that was never 5 minutes just then!
Severus Nobby: Button it Potts!
Weebs: Yeah, button it Potts.

With a whirl, Nobby draws his wand and a bolt of sparks shoots from the tip.

Severus Nobby: Let that be a lesson to you weebs! I've just turned you into a Hairy-***** Trucker! Muwahahaha!

Nobody notices any difference.


Severus Nobby: Now exchange papers and let's see who's the thicky today.

Amid a rustling of paper and a few whispers, the classrom settles down.

Severus Nobby: Question 1? The correct answer was. . . Xythex?
Xythex: Lubrication sir.
Severus Nobby: Correct. Question 2. Shroom?
Undead Shroom: Judy Garland sir?
Severus Nobby: Well done shroom. You could also have haed Barbra Streisand, Diana Ross or George Michael.
Severus Nobby: Question 3. Angstycoder?
Angsty: Err. Was it 'sweatshirt' sir?
Severus Nobby: Idiot! boy. Who knew that one?

Al'Katie bounces up and down in her seat, her hand raised as high as she can make it.

Al'Katie: Ooh Sir! Me sir! Pick Me! Pick Me!
Severus Nobby: Fu[/i]ck off Katie, Anyone else?
Elderon: Was it 'anything with vertical stripes or in a pastel shade' sir?
Severus Nobby: Correct. And finally, Question 4. AngryHippo?
Hippo: Teabagging sir?
Severus Nobby: Well done Hippo. That concludes today's lesson. And don't forget the camp-fire class this evening. You should all have prepared fully.

The classmates collect their belongings and stream towards the door.

Severus Nobby: Not YOU Potter!
'Allah Potter: But sir. . .
Severus Nobby: POTTER!!! Slither Hither!!
Severus Nobby: yes sir.

As the last of the students leave, Nobby leans towards Potter and whispers in a conspiratorial tone.

Severus Nobby: How are you progressing in your other classes Potter?
'Allah Potter: Not too shabby sir.
Severus Nobby: Potions?
'Allah Potter: Mistress DsD says I'm a year ahead of my class sir.
Severus Nobby: And Magical Goats?
'Allah Potter: AegisGoat seems happy with my progress. I've only torn 3 so far.
Severus Nobby: And Divination?
'Allah Potter: I knew you were going to say that!
Severus Nobby: Shut up Potter.
'Allah Potter: No You Shut up!
Severus Nobby: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. All I will say is make sure you're prepared for anything at the camp-fire class.
'Allah Potter: Yes sir.
Severus Nobby: That is all. Now GFY
'Allah Potter: Thank you sir.

Act II Scene ii

A tumble-down shack in the grounds of Hogsylum. From within, voices can be heard.

Allabus Dumblefunt: Are you sure Aegis?
AegisGrid: Aye Professor. Tonight
Allabus Dumblefunt: Crapshi[i]tfu[/i]ck
AegisGrid: Crapshi[i]tfu[/i]ck indeed sir. Did you call the Minister?
Allabus Dumblefunt: Reluctantly, yes. You know what an pedantic Cnut he can be.
AegisGrid: Maybe sir, but he knows how to show a Goat a good time.
Allabus Dumblefunt: True Aegis, True
AegisGrid: Here he is now.

Jophiel Fudge, Minister of Magic limps into the room and squints around. He places his face inches away from Dumblefunt's nose.

Jophiel Fudge: That you Allabus?
Allabus Dumblefunt: Indeed Jophiel.
Jophiel Fudge: We have no time to lose! Fetch AgisGoat immediately!
AegisGrid: Here sir
Jophiel Fudge: Good. Did you bring the Goats, the lube and the Margaritas?
AegisGrid: Yes sir
Allabus Dumblefunt: Are you sure the Margaritas are at full strength?
AegisGrid: I thought of that sir. I've arranged to have them tested right away.
Jophiel Fudge: By Whom?

As soon as his words finished echoing around the dusty shack, a ghostly female apparition drifts through the wall and hovers before them.

Although semi-translucent, her white sling-back stilletos and puff-ball skirt are immediately recognisable.

Flea'Lo: Joo gwanted suntheen?
AegisGrid: Yes Flea'Lo. Get your mouth around this.

Flea'Lo immediately drops to her knees in front of Aegis.

AegisGrid: No! Not that! This!

He indicates the Margarita.

Flea'Lo: Ahh.
She guzzles down Aegis's salty offering.

Flea'Lo: Eez Goood!

She exposes her breasts, mutters something about a Laptop Computer and collapses.

AegisGrid: Will that do gentlemen?
Jophiel Fudge: Indeed it will. Now let us make haste
Allabus Dumblefunt: To the Great Hall!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[i]
To be continued. . .

You've fallen off, no-where near as good as last years. The lack of marmite crisps may have a small part to play in that.

Hey! B[b][/b]itch! I'm not in there!

Can't wait to see the second part Nobby.

I did MY line perfect! "Yeah button it Potts!"

I was fantastic!

To be honest I didnt read it. I read this, "Dramatis Personae

Allabus Dumblefunt: Headmaster of Hogsylum
AegisGrid: Master of Magical Goats
Sirius ToUtem: 'Allah's uncle and expert in Ebonic Encantations
Jophiel Fudge: Minister of Magic
DSD: Mistress of Potions
'Allah 'Youshutup' Potter: An apprentice Wizard, and sole survivor of "He who Must Not be Rated Up"
Katarita Skeeter: An journalist
Severus Nobby: Master of Defence against Teh Ghey arts
Saboruto: The Fisting Hat
Kelvyquayo Weasley: Redheaded Friend of 'Allah
Hermionedenu: 'Allah's hawt jailbait classmate
ProofsockCCXXVII Malfoy: Nasty-assed class-mate of 'Allah
Kaolian: Caretaker at Hogsylum
Flea'Lo: A ghost
Debalic: A misprint
Yanari: A Mistress of Divination
Patrician: Hogsylum's School Bully
Bodhi: An House Elf
Pikko Pots: Judo Chopp - the object of 'allah Potter's desire
TheDave: Austin Powers - an accidental movie crossover
Sir Weebs: Nearly ******** Nick - the school ghost trucker
Elderon: A wand
"

I saw no Katie so I started to pout! I want my 10 minutes damn you!

Well done Sir, Well done.

Very nice - I enjoyed it :) I look forward future episodes. If you need a faithful hound dog, a bombardier, or just someone lurking in the background and speaking very infrequently...think of old YoYo :)

I like it.

Of course, no story is cool unless Kakar makes an appearance.

You missed a fun bit with Flea's boobs then.

I only know that because it was in the section with my name

Nothing really to add here, except your cat is dancing to Corrosion Of Conformitys' Deliverance. Hilarious.

I glanced over really quick and moved on to the next thread that will likely elicit a similar quick, beige response.