If you're married...Follow

It amazes me that noone has said this yet..

Thumb, have you tried asking him what's bothering him? I don't mean casually asking him, either. Have you really had a sit-down conversation about things lately?

I know that I'll play games a LOT more when something is really killing my mood and motivation. Instead of threatening with ultimatums and stuff like that, it seems like you need to do what we all must do sometime.. Try to think outside of your own discomfort with this situation and find out what it is he is trying to keep himself distracted from.

It's probably something pretty big, and you need to be there as a listener and a companion more than anything else. I really hope you understand what I'm trying to convey here.

Yup, that's been my situation exactly. So all the times I've tried to talk with him, I've centered on "is there something bothering you?" To which the reply has been "just trying to relax and do what I want to do." Unfortunately, his doing what he wants to do has grown into the majority of his waking hours.

What a load of crap.

Considering 50% of marriages (at least in America) fail, you're basically saying those 50% are relationship fodder, moreso should they have children.
Too many variables are missing here, eg., Was one able to communicate, the other not? Did one cheat, meanwhile the other would have never have fathomed doing so (my case), and also as was mentioned by someone else, are they a widow(er), maybe having baggage, maybe not.

Who's to say? =)

Aside from that, your chances of a successful marriage are equal regardless of prior marital experience albeit higher had your own parents had a working relationship. Baggage is what breaks up those 50% of first marriages, what they've seen in formative years.

If anything, once divorced you sure as heck know what traits to avoid the second time around.

My 2cp.






Edited, Wed Nov 9 04:10:49 2005 by WriteMindedLefty

Actually (not that I want to support Totem on this since he's being a bit extreme), second marriages DO have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages. I don't know if it continues going up expotentially, but there you have it.

It isn't really relevant to this discussion though, since neither Thumbelyna nor her husband have ever been divorced.

Nexa

Last night I finally got really angry and we had it out about the video games. The final verdict for us was a compromise where some nights he could play without my "nagging" (his words), and other nights he wouldn't play at all. I still feel like he didn't get my point, which is I don't have a problem with the game, per say, I want him to -want- to put the game down to spend time with me. The fact that he would rather play is what gets to me.

We will see how it goes.

You may not feel like it accomplished anything, but it sounds like you at least took the first step. I hope things go better snd work out.

I agree it's a 50-50 gamble. The following is quite a ramble, since I've got nothing better to do today at work:

My wife's parents and my parents had divorced. Both of my parents re-married and their second marriages are happy and have lasted a long time. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My wife's parents divorced when she was 6 or 7. It was a bad divorce and my wife and her sister seldom kept in touch with their dad. Her father re-married at some point and her mother never re-married. Her father passed away some time in the 1990s.

My parents got married right out of college and their marriage lasted 7 years. They got married in their early 20s (23 and 22). My first wife and I got married right out of college as well, but both of us were pretty immature to get married - I guess we both thought it was the correct thing to do. We separated after a year and a half, then divorced after another year and a half.

My ex-wife is actually pretty cool and her second husband is a great guy. We don't socialize with them as they live about 2 hours away, but since he's a vet and she works for their county's animal control, I ping her once in a while on pet questions. My wife and ex-wife have met and they get along great.

The only drawback to our marriage is that we both wish we had met each other earlier in our lives. Luckily, we have the rest of our lives to be together, so that counts for something. We got married when I was 40 and she 39, and now we're 42 and 41. We're kind of feeling we've missed the boat on having a kid at this point. Not that we haven't been trying, heh.

If it happens naturally, great, but as time goes on, I think she has more reservations about it - concerns about her age, getting re-settled with jobs back in San Francisco next year, and the fact that we'll be in our 60s when the kid becomes a teenager (eek). I'm not sure that last reason is a bad thing or not, but it seems to be more and more evident to me that she isn't really on board with the idea of doing something like invitro or adoption either. And I can't ask her to, no matter how much I might want it.

As for me, I think not having a child leaves a large void in our lives and it will be something that I will always regret. On the other hand, as time goes by, I'm kind of enjoying the freedom that not having a kid entails. Still, the regret will always be there.

I guess we'll be the kind of people where our pets are our kids. That's ok, I'm cool with that. I look forward to our "crazy cat people" years.

Have you considered doing something else to help fill the no-child void? Mentoring/vounteering/foster parenting/etc? I know it's not the same as having your own children, but it can still make you feel good and those are kids that need it.

Nexa

Edited, Wed Nov 9 11:01:42 2005 by Nexa

Don't take it personally, the reason I play games is not because I don't want to spend time with my wife. It's because games offer a quick sense of accomplishment. Some people really like to accomplish things, it doesn't matter how insiginicant they are. Games provide that outlet, it's a sense of gratification. In the grand scheme of things does it really make a difference if I reach level 21 or not? No, not at all. Yet when I ding 21 I know that I was definitivly rewarded for an amount of effort I exerted.

However, part of growing up is that we can no longer spend all day gratifying ourselves. We gain responsibilities. His responsibilities are first and formost are as a father and/or a husband. Life is about balance. Remind him of his responsibilities. Let him have his game time each night but explain to him that it needs to be put into perspective and balanced. Everyone is entitled to fun but they need to balance it with their responsibilities.

Maybe every other night will work for you, but for me I wanted to have the option to play every night, even if it was only for an hour or so. I didn't play every night of course but I wanted that option. That is why time limits worked for me. Eventually, I moved out of my gaming phase and lost all interest for awhile. I would imagine this is how it works for most people. It comes and goes in phases. If he has a shred of decency he wont sacrifice his family for a game.

smoggy, have you two considered fostering children? It's not as permanant as adoption and just maybe your wife will turn around after having a little one around the house.


As far as her getting pregnant I read somewhere that the risks of birth defects rises dramatically after age 35.

Edited, Wed Nov 9 11:06:45 2005 by xythex

My aunt loved kids around the early/mid teen years so much, that after she had two of her own and they grew up, and she was too old to have any more, she started being a host home for foreign kids. Over the years she's taken care of dozens of them, and still keeps in touch with a lot of them. Not saying that I'm recommending it, but it's a neat idea =)