What to do?Follow

Let me begin my story back in the foggy shroud of happy memories. In my freshman year of high school I met a friend named Dan. We got along very well and fast became good friends. Enter Lisa another freshman who had a crush on Dan. Lisa and Dan became a couple and I became friends with Lisa. The rest of high school passes in a happy bliss of me being the third wheel but we are were close friends. Well after graduation we all went to different schools. Dan and I kept in touch and would hang out when we would be back home. Dan and Lisa attempted to keep their relationship going and would be on and off cause of distance and them growing up.

Then came the day. I recieved a call from a couple of other mutal friends lets call them Kelly and Jen. They asked me if I heard what happened between Lisa and Dan. I had not heard anything but I figured they had gotten engaged so I said no but if it is what I think it is I am very happy. Kelly then said if he ever did something like that again she would kill him. This confused me. I suspected what she meant but I did not want to leap to conclusions. I asked her what happen and she said it was not her place to tell me. So I asked Dan and Lisa what happened and neither of them would tell me. So I went with my assumptions and moved on.

Well after years of courtship Dan and Lisa got engaged. I still saw them both fairly regularly and kept the friendship going. During this time I met my wife and discovered to my chagrin that Dan and my wife were like oil and water. While this was dishearting I moved forward still seeing those two but not with my wife. I was the bestman in Dan's and Lisa's wedding and it was one of the happiest moments for me cause two of my close friends were getting married.

Well after the wedding things got a little busy and we kinda fell outta touch. Dan and Lisa moved to a neighboring state and we did not get to talk as much, then came the fateful day that Dan came to town and wanted to do something. I already had plans and tried my best to cancel my plans so I could hang out with him. Well I was unable to so I left him some tickets to a festival on my front door. I was not sure I was gonna be home and I wanted him to get the tickets. Well this offended him greatly and he refused to speak to me. This caught me by surprise cause I never expected such a small thing to ruin a friendship. Well I apologized about 5 times through email and phone calls but he never responded. Even when they had a child he would not respond when I came to the 1st birthday party. He would stand on the other side of the room. Lisa however remained a good friend and tried to patch things up between us.

Well yesterday I get a email from Lisa explaining that here and Dan are now divorced. My jaw hit the floor. I asked why? Her response

He beat her.


I sat there speechless for about 45 minutes at work.

I asked for how long? She said awhile. I was furious I told her I was coming up there to "talk" to him. She said don't cause it may not be his fault. Apparently schizophrenic behavior runs in his family and he has been showing signs of losing touch with reality. She said his family was trying to get him to go to the hospital. She said his work was suffering but he still worked there.

Now for the crux. Both are good friends I feel anger at Dan but part of me does not want to believe it. I want to go up there to talk to him, but I am afraid I would only make him worse. Lisa is fine and lives away from Dan and has a restraining order on him and I am planning on going up and visiting her, but what do you do with a friend you can no longer respect but still feel bad for.

and you came here for help? that's crazy man

you'll probably get a) flamed b) flamed or c) get lucky and have somebody actually help

i fall into d) no useful info at all, but good luck

Not so much for help, though the question at the end says differently, I just needed to vent this. It really has just thrown me off kilter lately.

Yeah that is where I am leaning. I told Lisa if she needs to talk to call me. I am not trying to borrow their misery, more just shocked.

it sucks when friends are divorcing , from personal experience sometimes the worst thing you can do is to do anything since you will end up being cannon fodder.
It is horrible he was doing that however being that I have actually worked with victims of spousal abuse more often than not the victim will try to find any excuse as to explain why it wasnt the abusers fault. Its a pretty vicious cycle...flowers & love => buildup of anger => abuse => I'm sorry/punishment => flowers/love.
The abuse probably didn't just happen overnight. I am sorry you found these things out about your friend, do you really want to stay friends with him? Is he the kind of guy you want around your wife & kids? IS he the kind fo guy you want your kids to date/emmulate? ask yourself these questions. Lisa may be divorcing him however her chances of going back to him & the abuse are far against the odds of her getting her head together and not seeking out another abuser. :( I am very very very sorry for you, for this world that we live in...

Kill them both and then kill yourself.



What the hell is this Dr. Phil **** anyway?!?!

Hory sheet. Schizophrenia, who knew?

Let me introduce you to 0.5 to 1.0% of the population:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schitzophrenia

However, schitzophrenia doesn't corrolate strongly to violence. And of course it does not excuse it.

The only thing I would add to what is already pretty good advice is that someone (not necessairly you - apparently she didn't tell you until it was over - perhaps Kelly and/or Jen) should ensure when Lisa finds boyfriend version 2.0, he does not beat her.

ps - find that part of you that believes Dan is innocent and give it a giant dope slap.

I heart you.

Nexa

If you can tell me where this 'Dan' lives, I can airmail him some of my prozac. And by airmail I mean throw really hard and hope for the best.

GFY with a crowbar

I'm blind to my faults, so logically enough, I don't see it. Be a dear and instruct me further.

S P E L L it out, I'm slow today. Let's not go into whether today is different from any other day, OK?

Is it too late to drop in a GFY?
I wasn't paying attention...sorry.