Two lesbians...Follow

An Iraqi walked into a bar.







None survived.

Stephen Hawkins walked into a bar.

A middle-aged man and his rather attractive wife were out on the golf course. The man hooks one right through the window of a condo alongside the golf course and, embarrassed and horrified, approaches the condo and rings the bell to make financial reparations to the owner.

A nude man answers the door, wrapping a towel around his waist as though he had just been preparing to take a shower. The golfer, with his wife beside him, stammers out an explanation for the broken window and offers to pay for the repairs, to which the man in the towel replies:

"No, no Sir! I don't think you understand! I'm a genie, and I've been in the vase on the table over there for 10,000 years! When your ball came through the window, it broke the vase and freed me! For that, I owe you a wish."

The golfer thinks about it for a moment and tells the genie he wants ten million dollars, to which the genie nods and says, "Done! But...there's one favor I would like to ask. You see, I've been in the vase for, well...10,000 years is an awfully long time. Would you mind...would your wife mind...could I spend an hour alone with your wife, please?"

The golfer and his wife confer and finally agree to the idea. An hour later, as the golfer's wife is getting dressed, she says to the genie, "I can't believe my husband agreed to this!"

To which the genie replies: "I can't believe your husband still believes in genies."



Edited, Sat Sep 10 04:59:06 2005 by Ambrya

Ok ok.... Last one. pre-warning, I'm bad at wording jokes.

So there was this kid named Johnny sitting in the class room, drawing pictures. The teacher comes up to him and says, "Johnny, what a beautiful picture that is... What color is the crayon you're using?" Johnny, being slightly timid and shy, looks up at the teacher and says, "It's purple passion, miss."

The teacher looks at him scournfully and shouts, "GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, NOW!!!!"

So, little Johnny sniffles and whipes a few tears away as he goes to the principal's office.

When he gets to the principals office, the principal looks at him with shaming eyes and says, "Johnny, why did you get sent to me?"

Little Johnny looks up and says, "Well, I was drawing a picture and the teacher asked me what color I was using and I said, "Purple Passion, miss."

The principal looks at Little Johnny with hatred and anger screaming from his face and shouts, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! WE DON'T TEACH YOUR KIND IN OUR SCHOOL!!!!!"

So little Johnny goes home and finds his mom cleaning the kitchen and preparing some pot pies for dinner. With a surprised look on her face, she asks little Johnny, "Johnny, what are you doing home from school so early?"

Little Johnny replies, "Mommy, I was sitting in class and the teacher asked me what color crayon I was using and I said Purple Passion and she sent me to the principal's office and than he expelled me."

Little Johnny's mom immidiatly bursts into tears and screams, "WHY, GOD... WHY MY SON..... I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE SUCH A HORRIBLE CHILD..." than, so angry and sad, she has tears bleeding from her eyes, she looks at little Johnny and screams, "GO TO YOUR ROOM.... YOUR FATHER WILL HANDLE THIS WHEN HE GETS HOME!!!"

When little Johnny's Dad got home, he runs up the stairs and into little Johnny's room and screams, "YOUR MOTHER JUST TOLD ME WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME HERE!!!!

So little Johnny packs a few of his personal belongins and ties a sack to a stick, and hits the streets. As he is walking down the street, a police officer pulls up next to him and asks, "What are you doing out so late?" Little Johnny then procedes to tell him the story and how he told the teacher that he was using the color purple passion. The police officer immidiatly pulls out his billy club and knocks little Johnny unconcsious, screaming, "WE DON"T ALLOW YOUR KIND OUT HERE, BOY!!!

After a couple days in Jail, they decide to let little Johnny go. As little Jonny is walking out of the jailhouse, he begins walking down the street. As Johnny approaches an intersection, he begins crossing it when all of the sudden a large truck comes screaming down the street, hitting little Johnny, sending him through the air to his death.

And now, what is the moral of the story?.......

Always look both ways when crossing the street.......






please don't hate me..

This guy was doing renovations on his house, and he decided that he was going to build a brick tool shed in his back yard. He spent time slaving over the measurements and calculation, and came to the conclusion that he would need exactly 100,000 bricks to finish his shed.

He went to the local masonry shop and placed his order, and the clerk told him that the bricks would arrive in about 3 weeks. After waiting 3 weeks for the brinks, the man was anxious to get his little masterpiece finished. He worked every day, slaving with the mortar and trowel to get the shed built. After 2 weeks of grueling work, he was ready to place the last few bricks. The man asked everyone in his life to come watch this grand occasion, since he was so proud to finish this project all by himself.

When everyone was there, he started putting the last few bricks into place. After he was done, he took a few steps back and realized that he was one brick short. Obviously he was pissed off, and drove over to the masonry store in a rage. He confronted the clerk that shorted him the brick, and screamed that he wanted his final brick.

The clerk looked at the man and said...


What do you want me to do about it?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok, I know some people won't be able to understand the genius of that joke, so I decided to add another one.
---------------------------------------------------------------

This woman was riding on a train with her prize winning poodle. She was heading cross country to go to yet another dog show. The car that they were riding in was practically empty, with the exception of a man sitting at the other end of the car. Everything was going fine for this woman and her dog until they were about two hours from their destination.

At that time, the man at the other end of the car decided to light up a huge cigar, nearly filling the whole car with its pungent smoke. At first, the woman tried to be polite and just open a few windows to clear out the car, but she was fighting an uphill battle. Finally, the woman gets up and approaches the man.

She said "Sir, would you be as kind as to either extinguish your cigar or move to another car? My prize winning poodle is rather allergic to smoke, and you are making it ill."

The man took a long drag off of his Cuban and blew the smoke directly at the poodle.

In a huff, the woman said "Sir, I am appealing to you as a gentleman. I am not able to leave this car, since it is the only one that allows pets. Will you please rectify this problem in a civilized fashion, or am I going to be forced to summon someone to rectify it for you?"

The man stands up, looks the woman right in her eyes and says "Listen lady, I don't care about you and I don't care about your poodle. You can go sit at the other end of the car and shut up. If you ask me to put out my cigar again, I am going to grab your stupid poodle and toss it out the window!"

The woman was shocked that someone could be so rude. With a tear welling up in her eye, she looked at the man and said "You sir are a disgrace. It was a simple request, and only a barbarian would refuse to extinguish a ciga-

At that moment, the man reached over, took the poodle and tossed it out the window. The woman, not knowing what to do, took the mans cigar right out of his mouth and followed suit by tossing it out the window as well.

Now, as fate would have it, there was a sister train that was running parallel to this one, and both the poodle and cigar somehow managed to land inside.

When the man and the woman got to the station, they were amazed to see the poodle looking as happy as ever, with it holding something in its mouth.

What was this mystery object?











THE OTHER BRICK!


Edited, Sat Sep 10 11:38:40 2005 by PsiChi

whats funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown suit

--------------------------------------
two canadians are sitting at a bar, ready to play 20 questions.

1st canadian: ok think if something, and i'll guess what it is
2nd canadian: OK

the 2nd canadian thinks for a bit and comes up with "moosecock", chuckling to himself.

2nd canadian: ok i'm ready, start asking questions
1st canadian: can you put it in your mouth?
2nd canadian: (laughing to himself) yeah, i guess you can put it in your mouth
1st canadian: IS IT MOOSECOCK???!?!?!


----------------------------------------
whats the difference between like, love, and true love?
spitting, swallowing, and gargling


----------------------------------------
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing, you told her twice already.


see you in hell

I tell offensive jokes. Well, probably not offensive to you guys...

How do you get a nun pregnant?
You rape her. (say in an evil voice, for best effect.)

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
She's a woman.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's already been told twice.

What is the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered wife shelter?
The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.



...If any of those were offensive, why are you here?

Also, must post quickly before my wife sees... *wink*

Why does Hellen Keller only ********** with one hand?


So she can moan with the other one.

ba-dum-ching

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."

Ba-dum-bum CHING!

not sure if this 1 was up didnt feel like looking thru them all


A boy and his mom are at the zoo he sees 2 monkeys doing it. he askes his mom wat there doing she tells him not ready to explane there bakeing a cake. so thay go home and the next day the lil boy goes in to his parents room and says " i know wat u did last night" the mom asks "wat did we do?" the boy says "u baked a cake" mom says "how do u know" the boy says "cuzzz i licked all the frosting off the couch" lol

A guy walks into a bar.....











....Ouch!

There was an englishman, a chinaman, an irishman and a spaniard.

they all look at the spaniard and say...

"what are you doing in this joke?"