...walk into this **** bar. It's so tough even the pool table didn't have balls.
Who's next? C'mon, let's see how funny you guys can be.
Totem
Edited, Fri Sep 9 15:35:56 2005 by Totem
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I've already told both my penguin joke and my Czech joke. That's all I got.
My son used to be the master of surrealistic humor. A car ride with him was non-stop this:
Jophiel Jr: Knock-knock!
Me: Who's there?
JJr: Orange!
Me: Orange who?
JJr: Orange in the dog with a window! Hahahahahaha!!!
Good times.
Edited, Fri Sep 9 15:32:33 2005 by Jophiel
My son used to be the master of surrealistic humor. A car ride with him was non-stop this:
Jophiel Jr: Knock-knock!
Me: Who's there?
JJr: Orange!
Me: Orange who?
JJr: Orange in the dog with a window! Hahahahahaha!!!
Good times.
Edited, Fri Sep 9 15:32:33 2005 by Jophiel
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
my Germanic blood prevents me from being funny on purpose 
A guy goes into see his proctologist.
Guy says, "Doc, I am here because I was drunk last night, and passed out at the hotel. I apparently was so drunk I left my room key at the bar, and some guy picked up the key. So anyways, I wakes up and there we are naked in my bed. I soon realized that the fu[/b]cking ****** raped my as[b]shole!!"
The Doctor says "******."
Guy says, "******? I goddamn near killed em!!"
edit: quotes
Edited, Fri Sep 9 15:41:39 2005 by ElderonXI
Guy says, "Doc, I am here because I was drunk last night, and passed out at the hotel. I apparently was so drunk I left my room key at the bar, and some guy picked up the key. So anyways, I wakes up and there we are naked in my bed. I soon realized that the fu[/b]cking ****** raped my as[b]shole!!"
The Doctor says "******."
Guy says, "******? I goddamn near killed em!!"
edit: quotes
Edited, Fri Sep 9 15:41:39 2005 by ElderonXI
AngstyCoder wrote:
Kelvyquayo, pet mage of Jabober wrote:
my Germanic blood prevents me from being funny on purpose
Hrm, I should use this excuse more often.
Me too.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
A priest and nun are out golfing one sunny afternoon. On the first hole the priest swings into the woods.
"God dammit I missed," he yells.
The nun responds "You shouldn't say that, God will get angry."
At the second hole the priest lands in a sand trap and curses "God dammit I missed."
Again the nun warns him "You shouldn't say that, God will get angry."
The third tee off puts the priest into a water trap and he throws his club to the ground yelling "God dammit I missed."
A surge of dark clouds rushes in and a lightning bolt comes down from the heavens striking the nun dead where she stood, followed by a heavenly voice echoing "God dammit. I missed."
"God dammit I missed," he yells.
The nun responds "You shouldn't say that, God will get angry."
At the second hole the priest lands in a sand trap and curses "God dammit I missed."
Again the nun warns him "You shouldn't say that, God will get angry."
The third tee off puts the priest into a water trap and he throws his club to the ground yelling "God dammit I missed."
A surge of dark clouds rushes in and a lightning bolt comes down from the heavens striking the nun dead where she stood, followed by a heavenly voice echoing "God dammit. I missed."
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,...we're living with two Sluts and a ***.
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,...we're living with two Sluts and a ***.
Some people are like slinkies, they aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
A guy walks in to the bar in the middle of the afternoon, sits down, and orders a drink. It's just him and the bartender. Then, he hears a voice say, "That's a nice tie you're wearing."
He dismisses it and goes back to his drink. A few minutes later, he hears the same voice say, "Have you lost weight? You're looking great!"
He looks around, and sure enough, it's still just him and the bartender. He orders another drink, and a minute later, the voice says, "That haircut looks really sharp on you."
Finally, he calls to the bartender and tells him to stop talking to him. The bartender says, "It's not me, but it might be that bowl of nuts there."
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
"Well," the bartender replies, "they are complimentary."
Bu-dum-ching!
He dismisses it and goes back to his drink. A few minutes later, he hears the same voice say, "Have you lost weight? You're looking great!"
He looks around, and sure enough, it's still just him and the bartender. He orders another drink, and a minute later, the voice says, "That haircut looks really sharp on you."
Finally, he calls to the bartender and tells him to stop talking to him. The bartender says, "It's not me, but it might be that bowl of nuts there."
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
"Well," the bartender replies, "they are complimentary."
Bu-dum-ching!
Jophiel wrote:
I managed to be both retarded and entertaining.
Quote:
A guy goes into see his proctologist.
Guy says, "Doc, I am here because I was drunk last night, and passed out at the hotel. I apparently was so drunk I left my room key at the bar, and some guy picked up the key. So anyways, I wakes up and there we are naked in my bed. I soon realized that the fu[/b]cking ****** raped my as[b]shole!!"
Guy says, "Doc, I am here because I was drunk last night, and passed out at the hotel. I apparently was so drunk I left my room key at the bar, and some guy picked up the key. So anyways, I wakes up and there we are naked in my bed. I soon realized that the fu[/b]cking ****** raped my as[b]shole!!"
Quote:
Hrm, Varrus should use this excuse more often.
Truth.
Seriously, lil buddy, you don't have to hide it anymore. We know.
Two termites walk into a club. One says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
I slay me
I slay me
Mearyk wrote:
I slay me
If you don't, I will.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
A rope walks into a bar and says:
"Let me get a drink"
Upon hearing this, the bartender replies with:
“Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here"
So the little rope walks to the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. Then the rope walks back into the bar, and promptly asks the bartender for another drink. Upon hearing this, the bartender says:
“Didn't you just come in here?â€
To which the rope replies:
Nope I'm a frayed knot!
"Let me get a drink"
Upon hearing this, the bartender replies with:
“Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here"
So the little rope walks to the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. Then the rope walks back into the bar, and promptly asks the bartender for another drink. Upon hearing this, the bartender says:
“Didn't you just come in here?â€
To which the rope replies:
Nope I'm a frayed knot!
A man walks into a bar and sits down at a stool near the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender quickly prepares the mans drink and sets it down in front of him. He takes a sip of his drink and stares at it.
A few seconds later he realizes the bartender is still standing in front of him. He looks up to realize the bartender is staring right at him.
Man - "What is it? Whats wrong?"
Bartender - "Nothing really sir it's just...."
Man - "Just what?"
Bartender - "I'm sorry sir it's too rude to say. I appologize."
Man - "Just spit it out."
Bartender - "Alright then. I just have to say that you are the ugliest person I have ever seen. I'm sorry but it's true. How could you ever know the love of a woman looking like that?"
Man - "I can get women just fine thank you. Please don't worry about me."
Bartender - "Would you care to place a wager on that?"
Man - "Sure pick one out and I'll pick her up. Anyone at all."
So the bartender pondered for a little while who he was going to choose. He decided to pick a girl that happend to be sitting next to what appeared to be her boyfriend. He pointed her out to the man and said. "That one!"
Man - "Ok I guess I'll see you later then."
With that the man got up and walked towards the couple. He stood there in front of the couple for a few seconds too far away for the bartender to hear what they were saying. The girl immediately gets up from her spot and leave the bar with the man holding hands.
The womans date walks over to the bar with a confused look on his face and the bartender had the same look.
Bartender - "What!? What did he say to her?!"
Womans Date - "Nothing...he just stood there licking his eyebrows!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Stolen From: "Good Will Hunting"
So I was sitting on this plane when the captain came over the intercom. He was giving his usual "we'll be flying at 35,000 feet and will be arriving at...blah blah blah" speech. When he was done he put the mic down but forgot to turn it off. He starts talking to the co-pilot.
Pilot - "You know...all I could use right now is a cup of coffee and a ********."
The stewartess realizes whats going on and run up to the cabin to tell the poilet the mic is still on. As she goes running by I shouted: "Don't forget the coffee!"
Edited, Fri Sep 9 17:03:41 2005 by snieh
A few seconds later he realizes the bartender is still standing in front of him. He looks up to realize the bartender is staring right at him.
Man - "What is it? Whats wrong?"
Bartender - "Nothing really sir it's just...."
Man - "Just what?"
Bartender - "I'm sorry sir it's too rude to say. I appologize."
Man - "Just spit it out."
Bartender - "Alright then. I just have to say that you are the ugliest person I have ever seen. I'm sorry but it's true. How could you ever know the love of a woman looking like that?"
Man - "I can get women just fine thank you. Please don't worry about me."
Bartender - "Would you care to place a wager on that?"
Man - "Sure pick one out and I'll pick her up. Anyone at all."
So the bartender pondered for a little while who he was going to choose. He decided to pick a girl that happend to be sitting next to what appeared to be her boyfriend. He pointed her out to the man and said. "That one!"
Man - "Ok I guess I'll see you later then."
With that the man got up and walked towards the couple. He stood there in front of the couple for a few seconds too far away for the bartender to hear what they were saying. The girl immediately gets up from her spot and leave the bar with the man holding hands.
The womans date walks over to the bar with a confused look on his face and the bartender had the same look.
Bartender - "What!? What did he say to her?!"
Womans Date - "Nothing...he just stood there licking his eyebrows!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Stolen From: "Good Will Hunting"
So I was sitting on this plane when the captain came over the intercom. He was giving his usual "we'll be flying at 35,000 feet and will be arriving at...blah blah blah" speech. When he was done he put the mic down but forgot to turn it off. He starts talking to the co-pilot.
Pilot - "You know...all I could use right now is a cup of coffee and a ********."
The stewartess realizes whats going on and run up to the cabin to tell the poilet the mic is still on. As she goes running by I shouted: "Don't forget the coffee!"
Edited, Fri Sep 9 17:03:41 2005 by snieh
So far Joph Jr. is the early leader.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Duchess SamiraX wrote:
So far Joph Jr. is the early leader.
Seconded.
A man gets a telephone call about 10 minutes after he arrives home - it's Dr. Greenstein. He says in a doomy tone, "Hello Mr. Warsaw, I have some good news and bad news, which would you like first?"
"Bad news, always..."
"Your wife has been in a horrific car accident, she has lost the use of both her arms and legs. You will have to feed her and assist her in the washroom for the rest of her life."
"My god, what could the good news be?"
"Just kidding, she's dead."
Ok, I'll give this a second shot.
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and moreover, he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be alright too, I suppose. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard --a no-good, no account drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be!"
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big swig of the golden liquid.
"Lord have mercy!" the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
Totem
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and moreover, he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be alright too, I suppose. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard --a no-good, no account drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be!"
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big swig of the golden liquid.
"Lord have mercy!" the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
Totem
quickies
shakespear walks into a pub and the barman says get out your bard
Man goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his pants and the doctor asks him 'what happened to you?', to which the man replies 'i dunno but it's driving me nuts!'
shakespear walks into a pub and the barman says get out your bard
Man goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his pants and the doctor asks him 'what happened to you?', to which the man replies 'i dunno but it's driving me nuts!'
The Glorious Atomicflea wrote:
Duchess SamiraX wrote:
So far Joph Jr. is the early leader.
Quote:
Me: You're easily impressed.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am impressed.
Me: Knock yourself out
God: Who's there?
Me: Orange
God: Orange Who?
Me: Orange with the dog in a window!
God: Ha ha very funny, Jophiel.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am impressed.
Me: Knock yourself out
God: Who's there?
Me: Orange
God: Orange Who?
Me: Orange with the dog in a window!
God: Ha ha very funny, Jophiel.
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
Two muffins are walking along, one muffin turns to the other and asks "Is it going to snow today?" the other muffins turns and says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Jophiel wrote:
The Glorious Atomicflea wrote:
Duchess SamiraX wrote:
So far Joph Jr. is the early leader.
Quote:
Me: You're easily impressed.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am impressed.
Me: Knock yourself out
God: Who's there?
Me: Orange
God: Orange Who?
Me: Orange with the dog in a window!
God: Ha ha very funny, Jophiel.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am impressed.
Me: Knock yourself out
God: Who's there?
Me: Orange
God: Orange Who?
Me: Orange with the dog in a window!
God: Ha ha very funny, Jophiel.
No offense, but Joph Jr. tells it better.
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Taken right off of ebaumsworld, but funny as hell.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
↓His opinion is ****.↓
oh as the surreal jokes seem to be going down quite well....
Q - Whats the difference between an apple and an orange?
A - One leg is both the same.
Q - Whats the difference between an apple and an orange?
A - One leg is both the same.
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent! We just got a job openinig from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment over the garage. Oh, and one more thing. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're ******************* me!"
The social worker replies, "Yeah, well...you started it."
And the obligatory blonde joke....
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," God says. "Buy a ticket."
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone that life has given vodka and have party.
This establishment does not serve women. You must bring your own.
This establishment does not serve women. You must bring your own.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit it in the face with an axe!
Hit it in the face with an axe!
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