Quote:
I once got drunk and ****** my gf's sister...
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Most embarrassing sex story?Follow
I have a good one for ya. Normally I wouldn't tell just anyone, but it's too damn funny.
About 8 years ago I had a live in boyfriend, and my son had his bedroom at the other end of a 2000sq ft house. Our bedroom was a converted garage, so fairly far away from my son's room.
One day we go to visit my father. Trey mentioned to my dad that "Paul beats up Mommy." My dad asks if Paul hit me last night and I embarrasingly stated no and mentioned my exciting evening the night before and of course I turn strawberry red while my dad ROFL.
Needless to say, less than a week after that incident the police were called for the same reason.
About 8 years ago I had a live in boyfriend, and my son had his bedroom at the other end of a 2000sq ft house. Our bedroom was a converted garage, so fairly far away from my son's room.
One day we go to visit my father. Trey mentioned to my dad that "Paul beats up Mommy." My dad asks if Paul hit me last night and I embarrasingly stated no and mentioned my exciting evening the night before and of course I turn strawberry red while my dad ROFL.
Needless to say, less than a week after that incident the police were called for the same reason.
On my first Thanksgiving at my house, where i did all the cooking. A little busy to notice what My son, and his cousin where up to. Came out of my bedroom and in front of My parents, and 2 of my brothers with there significant others. Showed them all, my cat'o'nine whip and ask, "when did you get a Indiana jones whip mom."
Several years ago I had started dateing a lady who was a virgin. She tipped me off that I was going to be her first. On that night I figured since a womans first time normaly is painful I tried to make it as romantic as possiable. A nice dinner......flowers...candles next to the bed. Behind said candles I put a ashtray to put the condom in so when we were done I could just remove it and cuddle. After the act was done, I tired to put the rubber in the ash tray and....it hit the flame from the candle and went up like it was loaded with napalm! I shook it out of my hand and chunks of burning rubber flew everywhere. Now there are 2 pieces of burning rubber on my legs, several on the bed and a few more on the nightstand. After knocking the 2 burning peices off my legs ( and I still have 1 scar on each leg today ) I put out the fires on the bed and the night stand. Then I turned to her and saw on of the most amaseing looks of horor I have ever seen.
"If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans"
George Carlin.
George Carlin.
Sex hasn't really embarassed me. If I got wood, its all good.
I had my first sexual encounter at age 12, then nothing for five years. I was ready to explode.
I was dating the woman who I would later marry. We decided to mess around a little, and I got me a good ol fashioned "hand job".
The hand job was great! but After five years of knowing what I was missing, I spose I got a little too excited and busted my nut all over the place.
I Got the bed, my face, her hair. I just exploded. So as embarassing as it is cleaning your own nut off your face, I can still say I enjoyed every minute of it.
I had my first sexual encounter at age 12, then nothing for five years. I was ready to explode.
I was dating the woman who I would later marry. We decided to mess around a little, and I got me a good ol fashioned "hand job".
The hand job was great! but After five years of knowing what I was missing, I spose I got a little too excited and busted my nut all over the place.
I Got the bed, my face, her hair. I just exploded. So as embarassing as it is cleaning your own nut off your face, I can still say I enjoyed every minute of it.
PsiChi's suitemate walked in on me giving him head. Its embarrassing because he is a friend of ours
opps...
oh yeah the cleaning lady walked in on us too that same year. I guess i was just a dumb freshman who forgot about locks on doors
opps...
oh yeah the cleaning lady walked in on us too that same year. I guess i was just a dumb freshman who forgot about locks on doors
From Sir Weebs:
ahahaha, but seriously man, you have by far the best story in this thread. Rate up for you :D
Quote:
One time i busted a nut on my own face
ahahaha, but seriously man, you have by far the best story in this thread. Rate up for you :D
the best part of Weebs' story is I heard it as if told by Inigo Montoya
Do what now?
Lord Reeve wrote:
Quote:
This coming from the 15 year old boy virgin..
14.
Not a virgin, actually.
Did she, did she resort to her bulimia and force her self to vomit after you ejaculated in her mouth?
Quote:
Did she, did she resort to her bulimia and force her self to vomit after you ejaculated in her mouth?
Wasn't that girl. But if that gets you off you can imagine that.
↓His opinion is ****.↓
I don't really get embarassed much either but I did get creeped out by this story.
My girlfriend and I were driving out to a friends house to watch some movies late at night and he is about 20 minutes out of town. About halfway there she starts to go down on me. Its taking a little while to get me off so I miss the turn for his house and just plan on turning around after I get off.
Around 5 minutes later I still haven't gotten off but I am close, so I turn around and start driving back towards my friend's house. A couple minutes later, right as a blow my load and her head comes up I see the dreaded red and blue lights flashing in the night behind me.
So yeah, my pants are still around my friggin ankles at this point but I still managed to get pulled over with my pants up and zipped without swerving all over the place and without moving around a whole lot.
So the cop comes up to my window and before he even gets my paperwork he asks if the passenger is my girlfriend. I was like "Umm, yeah..." He asked for all the paperwork and stuff and for my girlfriend's ID, which isn't normal but I think it was just because she looks young and he wanted to make sure there wasn't a 12 year old sucking my **** in the middle of nowhere.
She still had an AZ ID at the time and that was where he was from origanally so he starts getting all chatty with her for a bit and then heads back to his car. Normally, the first or second thing they tell you is WHY you were pulled over, but after this 5 minute exchange with alot of silence and weirdness he still hadn't mentioned anything.
He comes back a couple of minutes later and kind of leans in my window, smiles at her, and says "So, what do you like..." She was like "Umm..." He then continued with "candy, flowers, CD's, all of the above." She was still shocked by the sexual undertone of his original statement so I answered "All of the above" for her. He then continued with "Good, because you owe her one. You have a tail light out and I am letting you go with a warning"
I was like "Oh I do? Well thanks, I will get it fixed ASAP." He then went on to say "Yeah, you probably should. Some other cops can be real ***** about this stuff and COME DOWN PRETTY HARD on you.(with emphasis on the big words of course) Y'all have a good night"
So I start the car back up and am at my friend's house in a couple minutes. I HAD to check and see if I had a tail light out... nope.
One of the best uses of a cop's power I have ever witnessed.
My girlfriend and I were driving out to a friends house to watch some movies late at night and he is about 20 minutes out of town. About halfway there she starts to go down on me. Its taking a little while to get me off so I miss the turn for his house and just plan on turning around after I get off.
Around 5 minutes later I still haven't gotten off but I am close, so I turn around and start driving back towards my friend's house. A couple minutes later, right as a blow my load and her head comes up I see the dreaded red and blue lights flashing in the night behind me.
So yeah, my pants are still around my friggin ankles at this point but I still managed to get pulled over with my pants up and zipped without swerving all over the place and without moving around a whole lot.
So the cop comes up to my window and before he even gets my paperwork he asks if the passenger is my girlfriend. I was like "Umm, yeah..." He asked for all the paperwork and stuff and for my girlfriend's ID, which isn't normal but I think it was just because she looks young and he wanted to make sure there wasn't a 12 year old sucking my **** in the middle of nowhere.
She still had an AZ ID at the time and that was where he was from origanally so he starts getting all chatty with her for a bit and then heads back to his car. Normally, the first or second thing they tell you is WHY you were pulled over, but after this 5 minute exchange with alot of silence and weirdness he still hadn't mentioned anything.
He comes back a couple of minutes later and kind of leans in my window, smiles at her, and says "So, what do you like..." She was like "Umm..." He then continued with "candy, flowers, CD's, all of the above." She was still shocked by the sexual undertone of his original statement so I answered "All of the above" for her. He then continued with "Good, because you owe her one. You have a tail light out and I am letting you go with a warning"
I was like "Oh I do? Well thanks, I will get it fixed ASAP." He then went on to say "Yeah, you probably should. Some other cops can be real ***** about this stuff and COME DOWN PRETTY HARD on you.(with emphasis on the big words of course) Y'all have a good night"
So I start the car back up and am at my friend's house in a couple minutes. I HAD to check and see if I had a tail light out... nope.
One of the best uses of a cop's power I have ever witnessed.
It's been a few days since your last pathetic life crisis post Reeve. No doubt you've just been busy and haven't had time to tell us that your bulemic, overly fat g/f also is a crack junkie.
Danalog the Vengeful Programmer wrote:
the best part of Weebs' story is I heard it as if told by Inigo Montoya
I got one, warning, it is pretty long:
When I was in the Navy and stationed in Hawai I ended up meeting this girl in downtown Honolulu while I was partying with some buddies. We get to talking and she tells me she is on vacation here with her Aunt and Uncle, along with their two kids. She also tells me they will be here for about a week.
After a couple days of me and this girl hanging out and fooling around a couple times, we end up in her hotel room alone, (get where this is going yet..). Not wanting to waste the momment, she kills the lights and we starts going at it. After about 30 minutes of some of the best sex in my life, I hear the door try to open. Luckily she locked it beforehand, but she jumps off me and starts freaking out.
"You alright in there", I hear her aunt say.
"I am in the bathroom, give me one minute", she says back.
"Why is the door locked?", her aunt asks, to which she doesn't respond.
In a low whisper she says to me, "Quick! Hide!"
"Where the hell am I suposed to hide?! We are on the 6th floor"
"Get under the bed" she suggested.
"Give me my clothes" I tell her while she is picking all the clothes off the floor.
"No time, just get under the bed now!", as she throws all of my clothes in the bathroom.
So there I am crawling under the bed, but *** nekkid, with the rubber still on. Seeing as how the room had two double beds, I chose the one closest to the balcony, and started to crawl under the side near the wall. Well, to my surprise the bed sat about 4" off the ground and all I could fit under was half a leg and my arm. So now here I am, laying on the floor in a hotel room, butt *** nekkid, with a used rubber on, halfway under a bed, while her Aunt, Uncle, and two kids are waiting to be let into the room. I pull some of the blanket off the bed and try to wrap myself up as best as I could.
After I get myself covered up, she lets them in the room. They all start chatting about where they went, what they wanted for dinner, etc. etc. I hear people moving around, suit cases being openned and closed, the T.V being turned on. As far as I know they have no idea what is going on. Then, the two little boys decide they want to jump on the bed. So now here I am, laying on the floor in a hotel room, butt *** nekkid, with a used rubber on, halfway under a bed, wrapped up in a blanket, while these two kids are jumping on the bed. After about 3 mintues, the Aunt yells at the kids to stop jumping on the bed.
"THANK GOD!" I thought because the mattress was starting to hurt my leg and arm bad.
"Damn it's hot in here, Joey open the slider", the aunt tells one of her boys.
Well I hear Joey's foot steps as he walks over to the sliding door. I wait to hear his foot steps walking back, but I don't. Next thing I know I hear Joey start to walk to where I am hiding.
"OH ****!" I think as he starts to tap the big lump beside the bed with his foot. Then he starts to pull at the blanket. "Please god do not let this kid pull off the blanket!", I pray while images of Joey as a middle aged man going through therapy trying to get over the horror he seen when he was a little boy run through my head. After tugging on the blankets for a good 3 or 4 tries, he gets tired and lets them go. He WAS NOT breaking the death grip I had on the blanket. I don't know if the kid played soccer or what not, but next thing I know he reels back and kicks me hard as **** in the left leg right above the knee. I bit my lower lip trying to surpress any noise from the pain grunt. I suppose that convinced Joey that there was nothing there because he walks away.
"Honey, why don't you take the kids out for some ice cream", the aunt said to her Husband.
"What? No, I am tired and I want to sit down for a while"
"Honey they really want some ice cream. You guys want some ice cream don'cha?"
Yea yea yea yea!", both boys say in unison.
"FINE! I'll go get them some ice cream, come on guys", and he leaves with the two kids.
"You can come out now....."
I don't move, I am too scared.
"It's ok, she told me what is going on. Come out."
So I poke my head out of the covers to see her Aunt standing there with the biggest smile on her face. She BUSTS out laughing and tells me everything is cool.
Turns out the girl told her aunt I was in the room right after they got back. Her aunt was actually pretty cool about everything. She decided to let me sweat it out for the 30 minutes I was under there.
Edited, Wed Jun 15 08:31:19 2005 by Capek
When I was in the Navy and stationed in Hawai I ended up meeting this girl in downtown Honolulu while I was partying with some buddies. We get to talking and she tells me she is on vacation here with her Aunt and Uncle, along with their two kids. She also tells me they will be here for about a week.
After a couple days of me and this girl hanging out and fooling around a couple times, we end up in her hotel room alone, (get where this is going yet..). Not wanting to waste the momment, she kills the lights and we starts going at it. After about 30 minutes of some of the best sex in my life, I hear the door try to open. Luckily she locked it beforehand, but she jumps off me and starts freaking out.
"You alright in there", I hear her aunt say.
"I am in the bathroom, give me one minute", she says back.
"Why is the door locked?", her aunt asks, to which she doesn't respond.
In a low whisper she says to me, "Quick! Hide!"
"Where the hell am I suposed to hide?! We are on the 6th floor"
"Get under the bed" she suggested.
"Give me my clothes" I tell her while she is picking all the clothes off the floor.
"No time, just get under the bed now!", as she throws all of my clothes in the bathroom.
So there I am crawling under the bed, but *** nekkid, with the rubber still on. Seeing as how the room had two double beds, I chose the one closest to the balcony, and started to crawl under the side near the wall. Well, to my surprise the bed sat about 4" off the ground and all I could fit under was half a leg and my arm. So now here I am, laying on the floor in a hotel room, butt *** nekkid, with a used rubber on, halfway under a bed, while her Aunt, Uncle, and two kids are waiting to be let into the room. I pull some of the blanket off the bed and try to wrap myself up as best as I could.
After I get myself covered up, she lets them in the room. They all start chatting about where they went, what they wanted for dinner, etc. etc. I hear people moving around, suit cases being openned and closed, the T.V being turned on. As far as I know they have no idea what is going on. Then, the two little boys decide they want to jump on the bed. So now here I am, laying on the floor in a hotel room, butt *** nekkid, with a used rubber on, halfway under a bed, wrapped up in a blanket, while these two kids are jumping on the bed. After about 3 mintues, the Aunt yells at the kids to stop jumping on the bed.
"THANK GOD!" I thought because the mattress was starting to hurt my leg and arm bad.
"Damn it's hot in here, Joey open the slider", the aunt tells one of her boys.
Well I hear Joey's foot steps as he walks over to the sliding door. I wait to hear his foot steps walking back, but I don't. Next thing I know I hear Joey start to walk to where I am hiding.
"OH ****!" I think as he starts to tap the big lump beside the bed with his foot. Then he starts to pull at the blanket. "Please god do not let this kid pull off the blanket!", I pray while images of Joey as a middle aged man going through therapy trying to get over the horror he seen when he was a little boy run through my head. After tugging on the blankets for a good 3 or 4 tries, he gets tired and lets them go. He WAS NOT breaking the death grip I had on the blanket. I don't know if the kid played soccer or what not, but next thing I know he reels back and kicks me hard as **** in the left leg right above the knee. I bit my lower lip trying to surpress any noise from the pain grunt. I suppose that convinced Joey that there was nothing there because he walks away.
"Honey, why don't you take the kids out for some ice cream", the aunt said to her Husband.
"What? No, I am tired and I want to sit down for a while"
"Honey they really want some ice cream. You guys want some ice cream don'cha?"
Yea yea yea yea!", both boys say in unison.
"FINE! I'll go get them some ice cream, come on guys", and he leaves with the two kids.
"You can come out now....."
I don't move, I am too scared.
"It's ok, she told me what is going on. Come out."
So I poke my head out of the covers to see her Aunt standing there with the biggest smile on her face. She BUSTS out laughing and tells me everything is cool.
Turns out the girl told her aunt I was in the room right after they got back. Her aunt was actually pretty cool about everything. She decided to let me sweat it out for the 30 minutes I was under there.
Edited, Wed Jun 15 08:31:19 2005 by Capek
ot so much of a sex story but an embaresment because of someone else's fun
I had been to a party in which lots of people were drunk puking shaging and what not. My friend had managed to pull a rather nice girl and have sex with her on a pile of coats that were in the back room after they had finshed he placed the condom that he used in the sleeve pocket of my jacket and zipped it up.
About 3 days later myself and a few friends went to a nightclub and the dorrman started to search me and produced a used condom from my pocket in frount of the entire queue of people waiting to get in >< I could have cried
I had been to a party in which lots of people were drunk puking shaging and what not. My friend had managed to pull a rather nice girl and have sex with her on a pile of coats that were in the back room after they had finshed he placed the condom that he used in the sleeve pocket of my jacket and zipped it up.
About 3 days later myself and a few friends went to a nightclub and the dorrman started to search me and produced a used condom from my pocket in frount of the entire queue of people waiting to get in >< I could have cried
OMG Capk, Thats some funny **** there. ROFL
Quote:
It's been a few days since your last pathetic life crisis post Reeve. No doubt you've just been busy and haven't had time to tell us that your bulemic, overly fat g/f also is a crack junkie.
As of about 3 weeks ago she's not my gf anymore. She smoke ciggarettes. Blech.
↓His opinion is ****.↓
And they're more addictive than crack!
Or heroin.. or something. I dunno, do I look like one of those "Truth" kids?
Or heroin.. or something. I dunno, do I look like one of those "Truth" kids?
Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
Wow, if that's the case then all the heroin/crack addicts are pu[b][/b]ssies. All it took was a month on the patch, and bye bye ciggies.
Guess I should go try crack now, since it's as bad a smokes. Month worth of methadone and I'll be drug-free*!
*Does not include fast-food, carbonated beverages, alcohol, legal prescription meds, cough syrup, aspirin, ciggretts, coffee, fire, ect
Edit: so a ' makes a ? now.....odd....
Edited, Thu Jun 16 15:46:40 2005 by Molish
Guess I should go try crack now, since it's as bad a smokes. Month worth of methadone and I'll be drug-free*!
*Does not include fast-food, carbonated beverages, alcohol, legal prescription meds, cough syrup, aspirin, ciggretts, coffee, fire, ect
Edit: so a ' makes a ? now.....odd....
Edited, Thu Jun 16 15:46:40 2005 by Molish
hmm, there was the time that my mom walked in while I was in bed with my 17 year old girlfriend. We had the blankets over us so I tried to pass it off that we were just "cuddling". Which we were, in a matter of speaking, just without any clothes on.
publiusvarus wrote:
we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.
Molish wrote:
Guess I should go try crack now, since it's as bad a smokes. Month worth of methadone and I'll be drug-free*!
Last time I checked methadone was used to help people get over sucking **** for heroin not crack.
Quote:
hmm, there was the time that my mom walked in while I was in bed with my 17 year old girlfriend. We had the blankets over us so I tried to pass it off that we were just "cuddling". Which we were, in a matter of speaking, just without any clothes on.
The only thing you failed to mention is that you were 33 at the time.
Sorry, just kidding, couldn't let that one go
7 posts
Mind you I'm homosexual now...
Back in High School I was in this intense relationship with a girl who just happened to be a lesbian, seems I was the only one who could get her going-I revelled in it-played along.
So anyway we went to an Arts High School and it was the night of the final show and the cast party. Long story short, the cast party turned into a huge orgy and I was, after a long year, going to finally have my way with this girl and cast her aside for the long summer-hey, I was digging guys more at this point than ever. So we're rolling around in bed, doing our thing, our cast mates are yelping and moaning and I'm working her real good.
Suffice it to say she's so incredibly turned on that she has the ****** of her known life and after it's over-she says aloud..."Why can't you be a girl!"
and the so the room full of f--kbuddies starts laughing. In the back of my head I'm saying "why can't you be a guy" but I wasn't out yet and had a rep to keep it...and so that's my most embarrasing sex moment.
Back in High School I was in this intense relationship with a girl who just happened to be a lesbian, seems I was the only one who could get her going-I revelled in it-played along.
So anyway we went to an Arts High School and it was the night of the final show and the cast party. Long story short, the cast party turned into a huge orgy and I was, after a long year, going to finally have my way with this girl and cast her aside for the long summer-hey, I was digging guys more at this point than ever. So we're rolling around in bed, doing our thing, our cast mates are yelping and moaning and I'm working her real good.
Suffice it to say she's so incredibly turned on that she has the ****** of her known life and after it's over-she says aloud..."Why can't you be a girl!"
and the so the room full of f--kbuddies starts laughing. In the back of my head I'm saying "why can't you be a guy" but I wasn't out yet and had a rep to keep it...and so that's my most embarrasing sex moment.
BxAquarian wrote:
Mind you I'm homosexual now...
Back in High School I was in this intense relationship with a girl who just happened to be a lesbian, seems I was the only one who could get her going-I revelled in it-played along.
So anyway we went to an Arts High School and it was the night of the final show and the cast party. Long story short, the cast party turned into a huge orgy and I was, after a long year, going to finally have my way with this girl and cast her aside for the long summer-hey, I was digging guys more at this point than ever. So we're rolling around in bed, doing our thing, our cast mates are yelping and moaning and I'm working her real good.
Suffice it to say she's so incredibly turned on that she has the ****** of her known life and after it's over-she says aloud..."Why can't you be a girl!"
and the so the room full of f--kbuddies starts laughing. In the back of my head I'm saying "why can't you be a guy" but I wasn't out yet and had a rep to keep it...and so that's my most embarrasing sex moment.
Back in High School I was in this intense relationship with a girl who just happened to be a lesbian, seems I was the only one who could get her going-I revelled in it-played along.
So anyway we went to an Arts High School and it was the night of the final show and the cast party. Long story short, the cast party turned into a huge orgy and I was, after a long year, going to finally have my way with this girl and cast her aside for the long summer-hey, I was digging guys more at this point than ever. So we're rolling around in bed, doing our thing, our cast mates are yelping and moaning and I'm working her real good.
Suffice it to say she's so incredibly turned on that she has the ****** of her known life and after it's over-she says aloud..."Why can't you be a girl!"
and the so the room full of f--kbuddies starts laughing. In the back of my head I'm saying "why can't you be a guy" but I wasn't out yet and had a rep to keep it...and so that's my most embarrasing sex moment.
Zadiel, dat you?
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