10 reasons to hate Joey Gladstone :: Free Realms

#1 Feb 23 2005 at 10:49 PM Rating: Default

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Ten Reasons to Hate Joey Gladstone Johnny Dangerous

1. He thinks that doing impressions of cartoon characters is funny, but it's not
Somebody needs to tell Joey Gladstone that randomly doing cartoon voices is not funny. Yes it is quite impressive that he can successfully imitate every cartoon ever made, however it also shows what a pathetic sad life he must live that he has time to perfect all those voices. Also he never does the voices at an appropriate time. For example, I recall an incident in which Joey was dressed like Santa Clause and was talking like Daffy Duck. That doesn’t make any sense. What a ******.

2. Despite living rent free and never having to buy food he is always broke

This is so pathetic that it doesn’t even make sense. Joey Gladstone, as we all know, lives in the home of his best friend, Danny Tanner. Danny pays all the bills for the house and buys all the groceries. So Joey never pays for anything, so even though his career is less the blockbuster he isn't required to spend the money on anything. However, he never buys anything nice, unless you count that ******* woodchuck puppet. I hate that thing, the only joke it ever does is that thing it does where it asks if something is made out of wood. That’s not even a ******* joke. ****, Joey, quit buying the Scooby Doo pajamas and buy a ******* suit.

3. He hangs out with Uncle Jesse all day yet never figured out how to be cool

Uncle Jesse is the coolest man alive, and for some strange reason he considers Joey a friend, despite the fact that he is so cool that he could be friends with anybody on earth, even the very cool Mitch Hedberg. For some reason though, Uncle Jesse has instead decided to be friends with the biggest loser in the world. You would think some of this coolness would rub off on Joey. I mean Danny got cooler the more time he spent with Uncle Jesse. He went from being a lame sports broadcaster/widower to being a host on a show where he works with Uncle Jesse’s wife. That’s almost as cool as working with Uncle Jesse. Joey, on the other hand, gets lamer as time goes on, because he starts wearing a beret, and it’s impossible to be cool while wearing a beret.

4. He never has a meaningful romantic relationship

Name one girlfriend Joey has had for more then one episode. You can't—it's impossible. That’s because it only takes one date with Joey for a women to figure out that he is lame. Hell, most women can figure out how lame he is before they even talk to him.

5. He never has had steady job

Joey has had many jobs in his career: comedian, children’s television show host, advertising age, radio personality, male prostitute, and he has either been fired or a complete failure in every field. The only careers that he has even been remotely successful in are the ones in which he was partners with Uncle Jesse, and I think we all know who was the partner that did all the work and who was the partner that got coffee for Uncle Jesse.

6. There is a good chance he is a child molester

Let's look at the facts. He is a grown man, who lives his life like a child. He rarely dates, and he has very few friends. That is the perfect profile for a child molester. Now add into the mix the fact that he lives with three young girls who trust him. Somebody in that house was molested by Joey Gladstone. Probably Stephanie, she was always a little spitfire, plus in one episode he offered to take her to a drive-in theater. If that isn't setting up the perfect situation for some groping and fondling, then I don’t know what is.

7. He lives in the basement

Cool people don't live in the basement. They live in an apartment in the attic. Just look at Uncle Jesse and the Fonz. It’s not coincidence that they both live in attics; awesome people like to live as high up as possible. Meanwhile the scums of the earth live in the basement, like animals, really lame animals.

8. He tried to seduce Uncle Jesse

There is an incident in which Michelle needs a bath. This is way back in the beginning when she was still a baby. Joey and Uncle Jesse were supposed to give her the bath. Yet somehow Joey was able to convince Uncle Jesse that the two of them should be in the bathtub instead of Michelle. Then he convinced Uncle Jesse to start singing Elvis songs to him. I’m not sure why Uncle Jesse was going along with this horribly gay situation, he must have been drunk, or on drugs or something, but I shudder to think what may have happened if Danny hadn’t entered the bathroom when he did.

9. He hates black people

Racism isn’t cool, and its fact, not fiction, that Joey Gladstone is a card carrying member of the KKK. In Alabama he goes by the name Grand Wizard Gladstone and often takes part in cross burnings and KKK bake sales.

10. That damn thing he does with his hand

You know what I'm talking about: that thing where he goes "Cut it out" and makes a cutting motion, then uses his hand to emphasize the word "it", then puts up his thumb and motions out as if he were an umpire. That thing isn’t cool. Why does he do it, is it so that deaf people will be aware that there is something he wants "cut it"?

SPECIAL BONUS REASON

He practices ventriloquism

Who actually likes ventriloquists? Ventriloquism is the lowest form of entertainment right behind mimes and old men telling stories on their porch while they sip cider. When the puppet in question looks like a woodchuck, and you only have one joke, which isn’t even funny it, then it is just sad. I don't even get the joke, that one where the woodchuck asks if an item is made of wood and then shakes its head around like it has the shakes. What is suppose to be funny about that, the fact that the woodchuck doesn't know if something is made out of wood? Joey doesn't even drink water while he does the ventriloquism. What a horrible human being.

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