I know most of you know what's been going on, but we've got a lot of newbies, so I'll recap things briefly to catch everyone up, so you can all play along and make fun of me equally.
I'm 26 years old, and I was born in Florida USA. About four years ago, I met my current boyfriend Max, and we began dating as best we could despite the distance between us (Max is from New Zealand). Well, two years ago I finally had saved up enough money to move over, and so as of the end of this month I will have been here for exactly two years.
In the beginning, things were wonderful. I was happier than I had ever been in my (mostly painful) adult life. I was living in the most amazing, beautiful country on earth and I had the most amazing, beautiful boyfriend I could imagine.
There were problems, though. Max is intensely private and has self-defense mechanisms and emotional walls that would make Freud ****** in his grave. But I dealt with that by making friends and filling my life with other people. I didn't have that completely open connection with Max, but he loved me and I loved him, so I dealt.
One of the first people I met when I came here was my friend Tim, who ended up being the best friend I've ever had. Tim was in a very bad relationship and was very lonely, and so we built an intense and powerful bond. Eventually, we fell in love with each other, partially due to us giving each other what we weren't getting from our respective relationships, and partly because of the amount of things we have in common.
Max knew about my feelings for Tim, but he didn't object in the slightest. He didn't mind if Tim and I went out together or fu[/b]cked on the couch, whatever. From the beginning Max had wanted an "open relationship", so he had no problems with my relationship with Tim at all.
But around Christmas, Tim started dating someone new, and he became distant. He no longer needed a "surrogate relationship" anymore, and he wanted to devote his energy and his emotions to his new relationship, which was very understandable but also very painful for me as I lost the emotional crutch I'd been leaning on for nearly two years. My life went into a complete tailspin and I began to feel cut-off and disconnected from life and from the rest of the world.
So, around New Years, I went slightly mad. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, and I felt more lonely and isolated than I ever have in my life. I was depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts, and I told Max everything. I told him what has been bothering me for the last two years. I told him about the loneliness, and about how I had coped with it by "bonding" with Tim in the way I did. I told him about how I feel he's incapable of change, and I told him that I'd been telling him for two years that I was lonely and needing emotional support from him but that I didn't get it.
Since that time, Max and I have been re-evaluating our relationship to find out where we're going to go from here. Neither of us wants to break up, but there are some dangerous and fundimental issues in our relationship that we can't seem to get past. First and foremost is his emotional distance. I CAN'T have walls in my relationship... loneliness is my deepest phobia. I've spent most of my life alone, and I can't do it anymore. Another issue is his... tendancy... to hit on anything and everything with a ***** except me. We haven't had any sort of sex since August, and he can't explain why. He says he's attracted to me, but it's like he's afraid to make himself vulnerable in any way (sexually, emotionally, socially) by letting down his defenses with me.
Even though I told him all of this, and even though he doesn't want to lose me, nothing has changed. He's still hitting on and ******** around with anyone he can (including some 17 year-old bimbo who's soon to be moving in with us because he has "a bad home life"). It feels like he opens up to everyone but me, and I can't have that anymore.
So, I want to break up with him. But I'm scared. This is the first relationship I've ever been in where I was really treated well and looked after. He definitely loves me, and he would walk through fire to provide me with anything I want, but emotionally he's off-limits. I want to leave, but I don't want to give up the life I have here and I don't want to give up on this relationship if there's any chance of it working.
But, to compound the issue, a very old and very dear friend who I've known for YEARS longer than I've known anyone else, has begun to express interest in me. And to be honest, I've always really liked him, but I always thought I never stood a chance. He's cute, he's successful, he's popular, and he could have his choice of anyone he wants. And for some reason, he wants me.
So, Justin and I have been talking for hours, night after night, for months. We use one of those free internet voicechat thingies, and we can just happily sit here talking about anything until the sun comes up. And those feelings I used to have for him but buried seem to be resurfacing.
So, I guess I just don't know what to do. I'm at the deepest emotional crisis I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and neither one is clearly the "right" one. If I move home, I give up on any chance Max and I have to make the relationship work, and I DO still love him. I give up on my life here in this country I adore, I give up on my friends and those bonds I've formed with them. (Hell, I even give up on my PS2 and all my games since the bleeding thing is PAL. >_<) And I end up hurting the one person who's ever truly cared about me, the only person I've ever been with who truly loved me.
On the other hand, if I do leave, I can go home and be MUCH closer to my family (Justin lives in Georgia, my family lives in Florida). I can go back to a life free of legal nightmares and immigration appeals and temporary work visas. I can go back to a place where my accent doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. And, perhaps most importantly, I can go back and try to build a life with someone new, someone I care very deeply for and have loved for a very long time, someone who shares my need for emotional bonds and for love and for romance.
I dunno if you guys care, I dunno if you have any insights to share, but if you do I welcome any input. This is the most difficult decision I've ever faced, and after nearly two months of dwelling on it I'm no closer to an answer. I can't take much more of this strain and stress. The problem isn't going to fix itself, yet I seem to be incapable of making a decision. So, I welcome flames and GFYs and ridicule and input and personal stories and words of encouragement, anything you can give me. I'm desperate enough I'm begging for help in the Asylum. Hopefully that serves to express how serious this is to me.
(A six-pack of Speight's Old Dark Ale and not one single typo, go me.
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