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Capek's 9 Step Guide to Driving Like an Idiot!!

Yes that's right folks, it's here! Safe drivers everywhere take comfort in the fact that you too can **** OFF EVERYONE on the road, oblivious to the fact that you are doing so. How? you ask. Simple, just follow my 9 step guide to driving like an idiot, and you will be pissing everyone off in no time.

Through my last 6 months of driving to work 1 1/2 hour each way, I have seen countless morons on the road. I have studied their behavior and now am sharing this information with you! In 9 easy steps you can be driving like an idiot AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR!!!

1: Use your blinker only at your descretion. Don't worry about giving adequate warning of your intentions, it ruins the surprise!!

2: When you do use your blinker, keep it on for the next 15 miles. This lets everyone know what you have done recently, and they will appreciate you for it. Double the time you keep your blinker on, if it is your driver's side and you are in the left lane!!!!

3: Save all your money from your crappy part time job, then scour the internet for the "phattest" fiberglass body kit for your '92 Civic. Then, as soon as it arrives in the mail, PUT IT RIGHT ON YOUR CAR!!! Don't worry about messy paint jobs. Everyone will be so impressed with your new body kit, they won't even notice your car is now white/black/green/red/blue and primer black!!

4: After you do place that body kit on your car, go buy yourself the biggest muffler you can! This will now completely ruin the backpressure in your motor, causing ULTRA COOL BACKFIRING EVERYTIME YOU PRESS THE PEDAL!!!! Also make sure to add lots of stickers so everyone knows you mean buisness!!!

5: See that guy in the lane next to you? See how he has his blinker on, communicating his intentions to merge into your lane? ***** HIM!! Speed up faster so you completely block him from your lane! Who cares if he just missed his exit? no one is getting in front of you!

6: Go out and buy as many "witty" bumper stickers you can and put them on your bumper, trunk, and most importantly, YOUR REAR WINDSHEILD!! Who needs to see when you have catchy phrases. Any bumper stciker that declares what percentage of "bitch you are, what your other mode of transportation is, or what you would "rather be" doing is a must!!

7: Time to whip out that cell phone folks!! Who needs to pay attention to the road and everything around you when you can talk to your loved ones about absolutely nothing at all. In fact, don't even talk to them, just yank your head back in an annoying cackle every 5 seconds so everyone else can see what a good time your having!!!

8: Is everyone in the right lane cramping your style? Drive in the left!! Don't worry about that sign saying "Slow traffic keep right", no one does that anymore anyways. Then, when someone expresses their wish for you to move over, GET PISSED OFF AND GO EVEN SLOWER!!! This will convey you are not to be messed with, and the driver behind you will acept it and move on with their day!!!!

9: Last, but not least, merge into traffic, GOING 1/3 THE SPEED OF EVERYONE ELSE!!! This is by far the safest means of merging onto the highway. Plus, everyone behind you will now get to take a lovely trip onto the shoullder after almost getting ran off the road from that semi you cut off!!

Start follwoing these rules as soon as you can folks. I garuantee that if you start following my guide today, you will be driving like an idiot in no time!!

Ther should be a #10 for the elderly:

10: Buy the biggest car available. Make sure only a tuft of your thinning, white hair is visible above the steering wheel along with your white-knuckled, clenching fingers. Drive 5-15 miles below the speed limit in the fast lane and/or the exact same speed as the guy in the lane next to you on a normal street. Move to Florida.

15) Be a woman.

*ducks*

Come on, it was a joke.