Tips from the ER...Follow

1/ Even if you do it by accident... pouring scawlding hot green tea over your exposed ***** and ********* is not a good idea.
< I've seen some nasty things, but that makes the top three of my "Things I never want to happen to me" list. >

2/ Walking into the ER with your two friends, who are also very drunk. Demanding to be seen straight away by a Doctor for your minor ailment and getting abusive with the Nurse on Triage, when she tells you to wait your turn.
Then threatening the other Public in the Waiting Room (including the young children), then being stupid enough to get in the face of the Security Guards, when you are asked to leave the Hospital...
Will get all three of you:
Thrown on the floor, roughed up just a little, hand cuffed, frog marched out the front door and taken away by the Police. <They were stupid, stupid boys>

3/ Getting drunk and then kicking the gutter, as hard as you can, will infact break your tib and fib. <the two bones in your lower leg> Don't try to make excuses for why you kicked the gutter in the first place, we'll still think you are stupid.

4/ If you plan on falling 3 storeys, make sure you are drunk. <guy walked away with just a few scratches.>

/5 Did i mention the thing about green tea and genitals?

/6 If you have had 25 drinks over a few hours, there's a very good chance you are infact blind rotten drunk and that no-one has spiked your drink. Please don't come to our ER, go home a vomit on your own floor.

7/ DO NOT put something into your bottom, unless you are 100% certain that you can get it out... because we are going to x-ray you, laugh at the x-ray and laugh at you.
Then we'll call every other ward in the hospital, tell them about your bottom, show them the x-ray, have them laugh at the x-ray and at you.
Then we're all going to go home and tell our family and friends and they are going to laugh at you as well.
Do you really need that much laughter?

8/ naked ***** + green tea = not good...

Was an interesting nightshift, last night. <chuckle>

Edited, Sat Jan 8 01:12:31 2005 by lagduff

Damn I thought my job could make me laugh.

When my brother was working ER as a nurse, they handed them a listing o items found in the past year inserted in patients' rectums. The list included (without exhaggeration) a frozen pig's tail, an animal fetus (also frozen), an assorted selection of sex toys, fruits, zuchini, etc.

Its amazing what people slip up their bums.

I could never work in the medical field because I'm too squeemish, but if I did work in medicine, I think the ER would be the worst place to work, but at the same time I bet it could be fun.

I would really like to know what is going through some dude's head when he looks down at his urethra and says to himself:

"I wonder if this q-tip would fit in there..."

WTF lol!

Hands down, nightshift ER has THE Best cook ups of any shift and dept. in the whole Hospital.
Friday night we had bacon, eggs, sausages, muffins, satay meatballs (I made those), a huge fruit platter, fried onion and tomatoe, heaps of soft drinks and assorted lollies and cake.
Depending which team is on we normally have a "Curry" night or a "Cook Up" night about once a week.

I like the ER because it's never the same day twice. Something different happens every shift. I get bored working in the Wards with the same type of patients, seeing the same stuff every day.
Most days we try and have fun, on rare days you'll have a bad one and go home feeling down.

The other night we had a mixed night, because of to things. One was great and the other was very sad.

Was a quieter night and at 3am this guy pulls up in his hatch back, in the Ambo bay, jumps out and is frantic. We runout to see what is happening and his Wife is in the passanger seat and has their brand new baby boy in her arms, feeding. She never quiet made it to the Hospital. So we got her out and after much fussing, took her to the Birthing Suites. Mum and baby are doing great and we are all feeling good. We like babies in the ER everyone gets clucky. <chuckle>

Then...

While we are wheeling the new Mum inside the ER, the Ambo phone rings and we get notified that there is an unconsious young male incoming, CPR in progress. They're 3 minutes away. My partner takes the mum upstairs and I wait outside to meet the Ambulance.
We get the guy into Trauma Room 2 and for the next 30 minutes do our best, but he dies.
We find out from talking to the Ambos and Police, that he was waiting in line with his friends for a taxi and some people tried to push in ahead. Words were exchanged and he was punched in the head.
From what we saw, it looks like the punch pushed his nose into his brain, causing a massive bleed. Hitting the back of his head, when he went down, didn't help either.
From meeting his family, his friends and from what we can gather, he was a nice average guy, out with his friends and in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was eating pizza, when he was punched.
Worst part and what made it very sad, was that he was out with his group of friend on a wake. They had all been to their other friend funeral, the previous morning.

A good cry on my Wife's shoulder about every 6 months, keeps me sane.



Edited, Sat Jan 8 15:34:40 2005 by lagduff

Dead or Alive? Because that's not a wise decison putting a live rodent up your ***, think of the damage it could cause?!?

We realy treat our Drunks/Over-Doses with much care and love.

Standard issue for all Drunks/Over-Doses is:

One bright pink gown.
One bright yellow adult size incontience pad.
One pair of adult size white, netted stretch pants, to keep the yellow pad in place.

We'll leave you on the trolley with no sheet/blanket over you, so anyone walking passed you can have a good chuckle.

Now...
Picture yourself as a 23 year old male, waking up the next morning, on the ER trolley, wearing the above and smelling of vomit, with everyone looking at you.

Are you going to get drunk and come to the ER again? <evil grin>

Mortuary Funny story- well, kinda morbid but true.

A call came in to pick up a dead guy and the gal who went to pick him, called and said that it was gonna be a few minutes that his wife wanted to spend some alone time. She gave her about 15 minutes and when she opened the door the lady was riding her dead husband.

She then tried to defend herself later saying she wanted to get pregnant. Ew......



Edit: typos

Edited, Sun Jan 9 15:14:02 2005 by Mlynn

Worst part is the poor ******* died with a hard on. Hope he got his rocks off first.

Edited, Sun Jan 9 16:15:14 2005 by lagduff

I work in a hospital also, sometimes make my way up to the E.R., and have heard some funny/sad stories.

Had a couple gentlemen come in who were partners, apparently they had put a vibrator too far up one of thier respective bums. The ER staff was joking around about how they should ask the gentleman if he wanted it removed or just wanted the batteries changed.

Another gentleman comes in with his wife, and all he is wearing is a robe, and something is sticking out of his bum. Apparently he claimed to be moving boxes while naked in the garage, fell over onto his golf bag, and ended up with a putter stuck up his bum, putter head first. O.O

Imagine the carnage if that thing had shattered. >.<